I've typed up a couple of drafts over the course of the last month and to be completely honest, they are not something that I want publicly posted. I've been going through a really rough time lately (still am) and at some of my lowest points, I wrote about some really raw feelings that I was having. Those feelings still cross my mind from time to time but it's not something that I really want to share publicly. To give the gist of it - I've been having feelings of not being good enough and not liking the person I am, to feeling like a complete and utter failure. It's difficult having significant medical issues that put limitations on your life and it's even more difficult to stay afloat mentally because of it. I didn't picture my life like this at all. I thought by now that I would be a lot further in life both personally and career wise. Inflation is kicking my ass - trying to keep my head above water with all of the bills and of course having four animals to care for, two of which are having costly medical issues. I desperately need a vacation - away from work, away from health issues, away from doctors, away from the pets, away from the bills, away from the house - away from it ALL! The end of August really can't get here sooner. After having no vacations in the last three years, we are so ready for this!
The Cardiologist had me start Propranolol on Monday and so far I notice a difference in how I feel. Yesterday was a really good day. Today I'm okay but I'm a little stressed about Simba. I had to drop him off at the vet today to have an ultrasound due to him losing a significant amount of weight lately, so I am feeling a little tense today but other than that, feel pretty decent. The biggest thing I've noticed is that I don't feel my heart beat anymore. My heart was beating so fast before that I could actually feel it. I've also noticed that my heart rate in the morning when I first wake up is starting to stabilize. It use to be between 105-125 when I first woke up and now it's in the high 70's, lower 80's which is fantastic. The blood pressure isn't quite where I want it but it's definitely a lot better than where it was. I suppose that I will see more definitive results in about another week or so when the medication has more time to get in my system, but it's not doing too bad considering I've only been on it since Monday afternoon. I had my appointment with the Cardiologist's nurse practitioner and other than my heart having around eight-thousand PVC's in the course of thirty days, every other test I've had shows nothing but a relatively healthy heart. They don't have the complete results of my tilt-table test yet, but it's looking like nothing is coming of that either. The Propranolol is helping a lot though so far. I should be following up with the Cardiologist again within a month's time to go over how the Propranolol is working.
We didn't get good news on Simba this week. He has lost another pound and though difficult to diagnose, the vet is under a very strong suspicion that he has FIP (Feline Infectious Peritonitis). The treatment for it is around $2,000 and is not very likely to work at his age as he is about thirteen years old. If it did anything, it may buy him another few months of time. He is also suffering a respiratory infection, so we are treating that with antibiotic and inflammatory meds. She decided to do an x-ray instead of an ultrasound and said that he had a lot of gas in his intestines. We are not sure how much time we have with him but we are doing our best to spend as much time with him as possible as well as encourage eating and drink as much as possible. Jason and I are just completely devastated - we have had Simba most of our relationship...him and Isabelle were our first babies!
Like I mentioned earlier, my mental health has been awful lately. I've been experiencing a lot of negative, self-deprecating inner dialogue. My attitude has been so shitty. I'm trying to figure out how to fix it...how to heal. I told my therapist last week that I just want to be a free spirit but I haven't the slightest idea on how to achieve that. I'm dealing with a lot of inner anger that is keeping quite the hold on me. I don't think I give myself enough credit. I've changed a lot recently. I've been eating a lot healthier, drinking more water, taking all my medications and vitamins consistently, cut way back on caffeine and quit vaping on my birthday. I haven't vaped in almost two months. Cardiologist did clear me to do some light exercise, so I will probably start a program two or three times a week after work. I've been inquiring about opportunities at work and trying to network better in order to do better professionally. I have a lot of inner work to do...
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