It's Been a Stressful Few Weeks

I know I haven't posted in a few weeks - I've just been going through it lately.  Jason got suspended a few weeks ago due to a mistake he made at work and he just got suspended yet again, but this time for something that wasn't his fault.  October 6th was Jason's mom's six months that she's been passed away.  I've been struggling a lot with getting my shit together, feeling like everything around me is just...artificial.  Last Friday I was supposed to have a doctor's appointment with my primary care doctor and I forgot all about it due to it being Jay's mom's six month passing.  I went and got the memorial tattoo for Jay's mother and it came out absolutely beautiful.

I've been thinking about a lot of different things lately like about our future, my health, my career, etc.  After having missed my doctor's appointment last Friday, I made the decision to go back to therapy.  I hadn't been since around April or May because of Jay's mom being so sick and being between jobs.  I need to take some time to focus on myself.  I'm trying to lose weight, take better care of myself and my house and overall, just want to work on getting my shit together in general.  I want to take time to myself to heal from everything - my past and losing Jay's mom.  I'm in the process of rolling over my retirement plans from my previous employers to my current one.  My therapist thinks it would be a good idea for me to write my thoughts and feelings down, so I'm going to keep track of my thoughts, feelings and my therapy journey.  She told me that all the things I'm feeling and going through with my grief is all normal.  I felt that six months had been too long to be grieving but she assured me that it's actually not that long at all and that most people grieve on average from the day of passing, up to three years...at least the heaviest part of it.

I've kinda just been going through the motions and running on auto-pilot.  I'm not really in the mood to discuss what I've been going through with my grief right now, but I would like to mention it at a later date.  I mainly just wanted this post to be a short and sweet update.

Thursdayish Thursday: Deep Breaths and Taking One Day at a Time

It's been an exhausting week so far.  Yesterday we found out that we will have to work Saturday and probably so for the next couple of weekends.  I had to wake up early just about every day this week to do something before work and I'm just completely exhausted.  Then I found out last night that Jason's schedule will be 2-10:30 and mine will be 4-12:30 which has us 2 hours apart in work schedule now.  While it doesn't seem like much of a difference, it certainly will be, especially when we have to work over our normal scheduled time to full-fill production quota.  Our availability is going to be tough in terms of having time for others and it's something that is making me feel extremely guilty.  I'm having to plan therapy and other doctors' appointments around these kinds of schedules, making sure I'm getting adequate sleep and being able to take care of my medical issues both outside and inside of work.  I can't just get up and go all the time like a normal, healthy person - more often than not, I have to work around how I'm feeling because I don't want to make my medical situations worse and not be able to work altogether.  

I'm trying to figure out how to balance it all and the truth is, I'm only one person.  I can only do what I'm able to do and unfortunately, people are inevitably going to feel let down by me.  I don't know how to NOT let that make me feel like a shitty person.  It bothers me immensely when people say things like, "Well, that's not how I was raised...we did what we had to do to be there for family..." or people just making us feel bad in general because we can't offer them the same that they might be able to offer us.  If I hate anything, it's when people make me feel bad for what I'm not able to do.  I used to be a "yessir" so much so that it caused me to neglect my physical and mental health to the point that it landed me in a downward spiral.

Like, Jason and I were supposed to go over dad's house this weekend and clean out some of Jason's things that they had been storing for him since they relocated down here so that they would have more room in their garage in case they can make a ramp work for mom when she comes home.  I was going to wake up and go grocery shopping then we were going to go over his house and start going through things and maybe spend half the day there.  Then we found out that we have to work Saturday now which Jason leaves for work around 11:30 a.m to be there for 2pm with how the parking lot is.  I get off at 11pm and don't get home until 11:30pm which doesn't give me much time before I have to go to bed - supposing I got 8 hours of sleep (which I have to be extremely alert for my job), figuring I lay down by 2 a.m, lands me waking up at 10 a.m - I'd have to get my grocery shopping done before I went into work and that leaves us no time before we have to be into work.  We need Sunday to clean, do laundry and rest before we do it all again for another 6 days.

I'm going to be starting a new therapy technique with my therapist the week after next that is going to take a lot of dedication and emotions out of me on top of having to go to work through it all.  It's absolutely necessary for me to do this technique because it aids me in reprocessing my trauma so that I can move on from it if I have any repressed thoughts, feelings or grudges about it.  I can barely help myself, let alone have children and now I have to feel guilty that I can't help others every single time they need it.  It's not like I can't help others at all - I just can only do it when I'm able to...

The positives of this week:

Overtime (though it's going to probably kill me) = more $$

I got my vacation form approved for May!

P.S: I was so incredibly tired and irritable yesterday that I cried on my way to work.  I'm trying to learn how to counter these episodes but damn...is it hard...

My Serotonin Done Took a Hiatus

Well, we never got to have that meeting at the hospital on Tuesday.  Dad got a call that they were moving her come hell over high water.  Though we read some really shitty reviews on this place and didn't want her to go there, we went in with an open mind anyways - what choice did we really have?  Mom was moved around noon time on Monday to the post-acute "rehab" facility.  We gave her a day to get settled in (I had my first therapy appointment on Monday anyway) and we went up to see her on Tuesday.  We were not impressed with the facility itself, but the staff seem exceptionally great so far - from what we can tell, they sound like they are going to come up with a good plan for her.  Also, UNBELIVABLE difference in her from the hospital to the rehab center.  

When we went to go see her on Tuesday, she had her eyes open, she squeezed our hands, she responded to things we were asking her.  It was a wonderful visit.  There are some issues I see going on with her eyes and it concerns me.  She is able to focus her eyes in on us, but her eyes wander off in a disturbing way - I'm not really sure what to make of it.  Her team is going to develop an extensive individualized plan for her and then meet with us about it.  They even will allow me to take a pet in the facility to see her - so eventually we will take Isabelle (Jason and I's first fur baby) to go see her as she is the most mellowed personality cat that we have between our three and their two that would be appropriate to have visit with her.  Like I said, we aren't happy with the appearance of the facility, but it's considerably clean and the staff seem competent and prompt with their abilities.  The goal is to get her better to come home, so this arrangement is just meant to be temporary.

Monday, I had my initial consult with the new therapist.  The area in which her office is located is not the best area, but I'm learning that you can't judge a book by its cover.  Our session was an hour and that's standard.  I provided her with an overview of my issues, she performed an anxiety assessment and I believe a PTSD assessment.  According to the results, I have severe anxiety and moderate PTSD.  We went over what my goals are and what my requirements were.  She claims she can dedicate to my case and schedule me weekly for the most part so I'm going to give it an honest try.  She's also okay with me being a long-term patient.  This happening to mom absolutely broke me to a whole other level - usually I can doctor myself and manage, but it's beyond my control at this point.  After therapy, I went to get bloodwork done for my wellness check for my insurance so I can save money - my cholesterol is high...go figure!

I made some cod this week for our dinners with egg noodles and veggies.  It came out good.  I've been having a hard week and have been staying in bed a lot so far this week...I need to find some motivation to get working on my house before I return to work January 3rd.  I've got so much organizing to do - need to get rid of shit that I don't need any more, put things away that I don't need out, etc.

Jay has to work this weekend which sucks because I was looking forward to him being home, but I guess that's life.  He may also have to work inventory after months of them saying it was only going to be team leads and supervisors.  That's what frustrates people the most is that you can never make plans outside of work because the place never knows what they are doing - it's sad and it wears people out.  Next week is his last week of work until January 3rd.

But yeah, this week's just been shit in regard to my mental health.  I know it will get better, I just need some time to stay in the bed and get some rest.  Since Jay has to work on Saturday, we will go see mom on Sunday and visit with her for a while.  I bought her a few nice things - a soft, pink fuzzy blanket to keep warm, a nice pair of purple slippers with gold lace design that are insulated and a Rudolf and his girlfriend plushie set.  I'm going to bring her the blanket and slippers on Sunday but the plushies are going to wait until she gets home.

I have to go get Jason and I's dinner prepared now.  I will post again soon. x