update

We All Know...That I'm Not Very Good At This

It's been a crazy past few month's guys. Back in March, Jason's dad took a very nasty fall which resulted in EMS being called. He fractured his hip around his hip replacement and had to have surgery. Come to find out, he's been having mini strokes. He has a referral for neuro-psychology but can't get in for another eight months or so because everyone and their brother has a neurological issue. So, he most likely won't be seeing that doctor until around January 2026. I haven't been too well myself lately. I've been dealing with a lot of stress in my personal life and it's starting to show up physically now. I've been dealing with a lot of increased heart-rate issues lately and I'm currently in the process of working with several doctors to figure out what is going on. To say the least, these issues are making me extremely fatigued and feeling very ill most of the time. My primary care doctor won't put me on any medication right now to stabilize the heart-rate issues until I see the Cardiologist on June 2nd because if I'm sent for any tests, being on medication will skew the test results. So I'm just doing my best to reduce as many bad habits as I can for right now and eat as healthy as I can as well as staying well-hydrated in the mean time.

I quit vaping as of May 20th which was my birthday. I had quit one time before and then my dad died - it's not an excuse. I chose to pick it back up. Yes, I was dealing with an extremely stressful event but at the end of the day, there will always be stress. I don't do caffeine often but when I do, I'm now choosing decaf options which still has a small amount of caffeine, but is way, way less than actual caffeine choices. I switched from cream in my coffee to oak milk and Splenda instead of sugar. Yeah, they say Splenda isn't all that great either, but what the hell other options are there? The only way to be truly healthy is to eat chicken and broccoli all the time and drink water - that's it! I've had to take a step back from doing things that require me to "push" myself and ask Jason for help when I need it. I think recent events really scared him with what I'm going through.

I've been reading a little bit here and there and would love to do so more. It's just as of late, I've been very, very tired and I'll start reading and then my eyes will get very, very heavy and before I know it, the phone, tablet, whatever will just about fall out of my hands. Self-help books is what I'm currently interested in right now. It helps fill the gaps between therapy appointments. I'm reading one right now called, "Forgiving What You Can't Forget" by Lysa Terkeurst. A couple others that I'd like to read afterwards are "Communicate Your Feelings (without starting a fight) by Nic Saluppo and "The Let Them Theory" by Mel Robbins. I was also thinking of reading "The Magic of Mindful Self-Awareness" by Matt Tenney but I read the sample and it just didn't do anything for me really.

Therapy has been helping me. I was so ready to cancel therapy this past Friday because I was out of work Wednesday and Thursday, spending from then until now mostly in bed trying to recover. I'm dealing with a lot lately mentally. I've been super hard on myself about my career and feeling bad about how I haven't been able to progress lately among other things. Thing is, maybe I just need to focus on my current position and managing that as it is. Maybe it's best that I don't progress until I'm able to get my health straightened out. Either way, one thing I'm working on is setting boundaries with people and realizing I can't come to everyone's rescue all the time. I need to put myself first sometimes and as of late, this is definitely one of those times. I know I've said it a lot and we all know just how terrible I am at keeping this damn blog up and running, but what I would like to do is be a lot more consistent with it...writing here that is. I love writing and keeping track of my daily musings, but I just haven't felt like I could ever prioritize it. Well, the times come that I prioritize what is important to me!

1/19/2025

Good morning.

I've been busy this morning, trying to get ready for the week ahead. I'm working on my last load of laundry for the week, cooking for the week ahead, started my exercise regimen, did some dishes, took care of the animals and now just taking a minute to sit down and work out some goals for myself for this year. Among other things, one thing I have struggled with greatly is my weight. And this year, while I'm not taking my goals super seriously (still taking them somewhat seriously...I'll explain that in just a minute), I've decided that going forward, I'm focusing on me - my happiness and my health! Now, when I say that I'm not taking my goals super seriously, I'm taking them seriously, but just not to the point where I set myself up for failure. Basically, I know what I'm going to work on and I'm just going to do the best that I can. In the past, I have set my expectations too high and when I failed, I beat myself up over it. One thing I have come to learn as I get older is, when you fall off, what's most important is getting back on track.

Friday I went to Walmart early in the morning because I hate going to Walmart once all of the people start getting out and about. I spent way too much money, of course. I was able to get most of the things on my grocery shopping list while I was there, stocking up on other things that I had ran out of. Then I went to Ingles and picked up a few things that I prefer to only get at the grocery store. From there, I sat down at the Honda dealership for almost three hours getting two recalls serviced on my car as well as getting a bent valve stem core replaced on one of my tires. Came home, ate lunch, took a nap, woke up and did some laundry and changed the bedding all before Jason got home from work. We tried a restaurant downtown called Doolittle's that was recommended by some co-workers and to say the least, I wasn't that impressed, especially for the price - very expensive!

I purchased Belli Welli to try which claims to have some pretty amazing benefits such as reducing bloating, supports hair, skin and nail health, keeps you fuller longer between meals, has electrolytes for sufficient hydration and has fiber and probiotics to promote gut health, keeps you regular and maintains metabolism. I aim to drink about a half gallon of water a day. I'm trying to cut way back on drinking soda and hopefully can cut it out altogether soon. After I finish the vape liquid I have left, I'm also going to be quitting vaping again - hopefully this time, for good! I'm working on getting my nutrients solely through my food intake and in that, consuming low carb food choices that are high in protein. I'm basically going to focus on high protein meats, some dairy, veggies and fruit.

I started my exercise regimen today, having only did 15 minutes with the Infinity Hoop because I have to take it easy with the issues I have with my back. I'm hoping to do 15 minutes of the Infinity Hoop three times a week for now until I feel like I'm in a comfortable place to increase. Slow and steady wins the race. I was been able to lose about 25 pounds last year. I still have about 122 pounds to lose in order to get to my goal weight. One important thing I've learned from my doctor is to not worry about what everyone else is doing and listen to my body. He always said, "listen to your body, it will tell you what it needs". Since taking this advice, it hasn't failed me yet. Others will always try to give you advice based off what they think is right or wrong, but truth is, everybody's body is different. Two people may have the same medical issues, but how your body responds to those medical issues and what you have to do for your body may be different from that of someone else.

I'm not a huge breakfast person, so I just like to either do a TwoGood yogurt w/ chia seeds and granola w/ a banana or a Premier Protein shake and snack on fruit of my choice. Monday-Thursday (my work schedule), I eat what they serve at lunch (because it's free) and I just keep in mind to minimize the amount of carbs I consume and my portion sizes. Dinner is whatever I make for the week on Sunday's, keeping it high protein and veggies. I try not to eat after 6 p.m. as that's when your metabolism starts to slow down for the night. I made Jason pasta and meatballs w/ sauce and I'm doing a healthier variation without all the carbs - buffalo meatballs w/ sour cream cucumbers. I feel like I'm in a really good place to start truly working on myself and I love it for me! 🙌

10/6/24

I did some odds and ends today.

I folded some laundry and put it away, organized my nightstand and went through my dads things finally. It was definitely emotional to do that. I don't have many things from him, but I guess I couldn't really expect much either. One thing that I do wish I had was his sobriety chip that he got at rehab. I think the investigators still have his phone, maybe wallet...I'm not really sure. I called last month and the medical examiner still doesn't have a cause of death as of yet. It was time to go through his things though and get rid of what doesn't need to stay in my house.

Yesterday, I helped Jay pick up some of the debris from the storm, did more laundry. Friday I was able to get out and get groceries, cleaned out the fridge, vacuumed, cleaned the bathrooms. I made myself some cabbage steaks for lunch yesterday as well. After this post, I'm going to take a quick shower, make meatball subs on wraps for Jay and I - he's eating french fries, I'm eating zucchini fries. While dinner is cooking, I'll do up the few dishes in the sink and probably just spend the rest of my Sunday getting myself ready for work tomorrow and resting in bed...perhaps dive into some reading before bed. I'm trying to work on dreaming more - they say it's the "gateway" to the unconscious. I'm still working on my inner healing, so it's something I'm curious about. I was able to have a cluster of random dreams last night...but can't remember too much about them, at least nothing significant.

(This one is the neighbors yard)

I'm still about 95% pain free in my lower back. If I do feel anything in my lower back, it's just very minor soreness. I haven't got a muscle spasm in my back, well, that I've felt since the ablation. We still want to go to Greenville, but we aren't sure the extent of the damage, so we are waiting a few weeks to attempt a visit up there. I also had my phone interview Friday for QC I - the talent acquisition supervisor said that I will definitely be going through with an on-site interview, so after everything I've been through, fingers crossed!

Late Afternoon Update and a Very Tired Tinisha

I made a pitcher of fresh brewed iced green tea. Am I winning at this healthy thing yet? No? I didn't think so. I didn't eat breakfast this morning because I had a last-minute doctor's appointment this morning to devise a plan with my family doctor about the time I'm going to need out of work to go for medial branch blocks on my lumbar region of my back, eventually an ablation and a whole lot of chiropractic adjustments in between. I came home and made a few phone calls between my employer's FMLA rep, doctors' offices and such. At some point, I spoke briefly with my mom and gave her an update on everything while making a chicken salad wrap that consisted of chicken salad w/ grapes, bacon pieces, lettuce and provolone cheese on a carb smart wrap. Oh. Did you catch how I pointed out that it was a "carb" smart wrap - see what I did there? I also sliced up a bell green pepper and smeared some low-fat cream cheese on them and sliced a hard-boiled egg into half. That was my lunch. For dinner, I ate two stuffed clams with Sweet Baby Ray's hot sauce on them. I've been dealing with a few headaches lately (not literally) metaphorically but don't really care to get into the specifics at this time. Did I mention that Jay got around to lowering our bed finally? My back is thanking him for sure on that one. Other than that, I putzed around the house for the remainder of the day - did some dishes, used my weighted Infinity Hoop for about 4-5 songs worth from my Spotify playlist (roughly 15 minutes), did some work in my shadow-work journal. I was really skeptical about that journal, but it's helped a bit. I'm only halfway through the book.

I made me some overnight oats so I can bring them to work with me in the morning for breakfast before I stumble into work - a cup of berry flavored Two Good yogurt (2g of sugar), rolled oats, chia seeds, a touch of honey, blueberries and strawberries sliced into quarters. I also got me a tumbler filled with some iced green tea so I can just grab and go. I don't like to do anything extra in the mornings that I don't have to because it's already bad enough that I have to wake my ass up at 4:30 a.m. I have my first chiropractic appointment July 12th which will consist of consult, x-rays and my first adjustment. I don't go for my first around of medial branch blocks until July 30th. I'm learning through doing some inner soul searching and working in this shadow-work journal that it's time for me to finally set boundaries and stick to my guns in terms of finally making time to take genuine care of myself. I want to feel healthy for the first time in my life and I want to discover who I am for what is the very first time as well. I came to the realization that I never got to meet myself due to everything that I have been through in my life. But now that some of the heavy burdens in my life have been laid to rest, I can finally do what I need to for myself.

I just need to get through all these procedures so I can get my back in order so that I can truly begin to get my life on track. I have my phone interview coming up this Friday for the quality position I put in for and I'm super excited for that! Anyways, I'm going to get ready to take my night meds and knock out - 4:30 a.m. comes early and my Cali girl is ready for night-nights with her momma. 😴

Life Update

Good afternoon,

I had just returned to work after taking a week off for my birthday. I had only been back to work for a week when I found out on 5/30 that my father had passed away. I'll spare all the details on that because quite frankly, I've had to repeat myself so much to so many people on what had happened with my dad's passing and how the arrangements were going to go that I've exhausted myself. My father had a lot wrong with him both physically and mentally - unfortunately, it was his time to go. As far as my long-term past and my most recent past as it pertains to him, I've officially laid it to rest along with him. Jay and I spent about a week up in Rhode Island taking care of things with that. He went back to work right away while I took an additional week off to recoup and handle a few additional things I had left on my plate, including my consult with the neurosurgeon. That consult was a complete waste of my time. The doctor doesn't think I'm a candidate for surgery at this time and apparently won't think so any time soon. He wants me to return to "conservative measures" which frustrates me only because I've been doing "conservative measures" for the past 9 years to no avail and the pain has done nothing but get worse! So, I'm going to have another consult with the spine and pain center I seen about three years ago and tell the doctor everything that's been going on, including what the neurosurgeon said and go from there, I guess. The neurosurgeon is also not giving me any restrictions at all - "listen to your body, it will let you know"...

(My father - Keith)

(Rainbow that we seen on the drive up to Rhode Island)

Well, I tried using my infinity hoop again for just fifteen minutes or so and my back has been out of commission ever since. Our refrigerator shit the bed after about two days being back in town, so we had to order a brand-new fridge that won't be here until Friday of this upcoming week. So, I've been living off of peanut butter and pickle on a carb smart wrap and soup for lunches and we've been going out for dinner. I'm trying to eat healthier despite not having a refrigerator at the moment, so I opted for a chicken finger salad with honey mustard last night. I've had the shittiest luck since my father passed away. My father had no money (no 401k, no life insurance, no savings, nothing in his checking) to take care of his arrangements, so I had to front my bill money which I was able to get some assistance through family and friends, but I still need about another $600 to get me out of the red with my bills. My job has an employee relief fund program, but I got denied because apparently, I can borrow up to $9,000 out of my 401k - ugh, no way! I'm not even bothering with general public assistance because he'd have to make under $377 a month to qualify for that and he was getting far more than that in his disability check. Not to mention, the gas money we spent getting up there, driving around up there and back - plus the expense of food. Now we had to dish out additional money for a refrigerator! Talk about shitty luck, huh?

(Chicken Finger Salad - Man, was it delicious!)

(All cleaned up and ready for the new one to be installed!)

(This is the refrigerator that we decided to go with!)

On top of that, I was in the middle of job bidding with my employer. I had originally put in for Textile Supervisor but had withdrawn the application because a position for QC Inspector II had been posted a few days later and I felt that my ability and skills matched more closely with QC Inspector II than that of a Textile Supervisor. Well, they were going to interview me for the supervisor position, but I haven't heard nothing back on the QC position yet, so I'm not sure how I feel at the moment. My current supervisor was trying to make sure that I was going to receive the same process as everyone else who applied because I couldn't help my circumstances. I even reached out to talent acquisition to make sure of that and they assure me that my application was in the process of being considered. Hopefully I'll find out more soon because right now, I'm trying not to assume or have feelings of disappointment towards it.

Through it all, through everything; I just want to take some time to myself, some much needed time. I'm going to take time to relax and heal among other things like organize my house better, eat better, consult with my doctors as needed, try to cut out more bad habits, incorporate low-impact exercise, game, read a book or two, blog - things of that nature. I do eventually, when I can afford it, purchase a memorial necklace for both my mother-in-law and father. His will have his ashes in it though; she was buried.