Thursdayish Thursday: Deep Breaths and Taking One Day at a Time

It's been an exhausting week so far.  Yesterday we found out that we will have to work Saturday and probably so for the next couple of weekends.  I had to wake up early just about every day this week to do something before work and I'm just completely exhausted.  Then I found out last night that Jason's schedule will be 2-10:30 and mine will be 4-12:30 which has us 2 hours apart in work schedule now.  While it doesn't seem like much of a difference, it certainly will be, especially when we have to work over our normal scheduled time to full-fill production quota.  Our availability is going to be tough in terms of having time for others and it's something that is making me feel extremely guilty.  I'm having to plan therapy and other doctors' appointments around these kinds of schedules, making sure I'm getting adequate sleep and being able to take care of my medical issues both outside and inside of work.  I can't just get up and go all the time like a normal, healthy person - more often than not, I have to work around how I'm feeling because I don't want to make my medical situations worse and not be able to work altogether.  

I'm trying to figure out how to balance it all and the truth is, I'm only one person.  I can only do what I'm able to do and unfortunately, people are inevitably going to feel let down by me.  I don't know how to NOT let that make me feel like a shitty person.  It bothers me immensely when people say things like, "Well, that's not how I was raised...we did what we had to do to be there for family..." or people just making us feel bad in general because we can't offer them the same that they might be able to offer us.  If I hate anything, it's when people make me feel bad for what I'm not able to do.  I used to be a "yessir" so much so that it caused me to neglect my physical and mental health to the point that it landed me in a downward spiral.

Like, Jason and I were supposed to go over dad's house this weekend and clean out some of Jason's things that they had been storing for him since they relocated down here so that they would have more room in their garage in case they can make a ramp work for mom when she comes home.  I was going to wake up and go grocery shopping then we were going to go over his house and start going through things and maybe spend half the day there.  Then we found out that we have to work Saturday now which Jason leaves for work around 11:30 a.m to be there for 2pm with how the parking lot is.  I get off at 11pm and don't get home until 11:30pm which doesn't give me much time before I have to go to bed - supposing I got 8 hours of sleep (which I have to be extremely alert for my job), figuring I lay down by 2 a.m, lands me waking up at 10 a.m - I'd have to get my grocery shopping done before I went into work and that leaves us no time before we have to be into work.  We need Sunday to clean, do laundry and rest before we do it all again for another 6 days.

I'm going to be starting a new therapy technique with my therapist the week after next that is going to take a lot of dedication and emotions out of me on top of having to go to work through it all.  It's absolutely necessary for me to do this technique because it aids me in reprocessing my trauma so that I can move on from it if I have any repressed thoughts, feelings or grudges about it.  I can barely help myself, let alone have children and now I have to feel guilty that I can't help others every single time they need it.  It's not like I can't help others at all - I just can only do it when I'm able to...

The positives of this week:

Overtime (though it's going to probably kill me) = more $$

I got my vacation form approved for May!

P.S: I was so incredibly tired and irritable yesterday that I cried on my way to work.  I'm trying to learn how to counter these episodes but damn...is it hard...

Thursday Thoughts: One Day at a Time

I know it's been a few weeks since I've last posted.  My therapist has me doing some homework which includes keeping a physical journal, so I have to get use to managing both my therapy journal and my personal blog.  I've also been taking care of some of the things that I've been wanting to get done around the house.  We went back to work Tuesday so that took some getting used to - especially with me having been off work for about two months.  The first day back was absolute hell.  Nothing ran like it was supposed to which as can be expected after a two-week shutdown.  After the first day back, I was already done for the whole year.  Yesterday went much smoother - busy but smoother.

Mom's back at the rehab center after having to go back to the hospital for having a blood clot in her lung.  She is doing much better now and will continue to work with physical therapy to reach her goals.  We have a care plan meeting for her this coming Wednesday to review what her goals are to be able to come back home.  We were supposed to have her care plan meeting a while ago, but the facility had caught Covid, then she went back to the hospital, and then they had a pipe burst at the facility and couldn't send her back to rehab right away.  It was just one thing after another.

We finally got a plumber to come out and fix the pipe to our hot water tank that cracked but the pilot light still won't light due to the wick getting wet so we have to wait for that to dry some before attempting to relight the pilot and if that doesn't work, we may need to have them replace the pilot light assembly...so here's to hoping it will relight once it's dried some.  It just cost us a pretty penny to have the pipe fixed...

Other than that, I've just been working with my therapist to identify my anxiety triggers since that seems to be the worst part of my PTSD.  Once I'm able to identify my triggers, she wants me to work on being able to change the negative thoughts I'm having surrounding those triggers.

I seen a couple of memes on Facebook that I really could appreciate:

Works been stressing me out with all the shit I've been hearing about these "changes" that they are supposed to be making and money has been tight toward the end of me coming off medical leave, especially having to dish out money for unexpected plumbing issues...

But I'm learning to take one day at time and to cross bridges when I arrive to them.  I'm starting to understand that a lot of my anxiety can be avoided due to realizing that when you're worried about something that hasn't even been verified 100%, you can flip a whole bunch of scenarios inside out and every which way when in reality, you don't even know what is going to happen until it happens and then you caused yourself nothing but a bunch of unnecessary anxiety because what is going to happen is going to happen - you can only control what you have control over and you just do your best to adjust accordingly to the events that happen at that time.  Otherwise, you'll drive yourself absolute batshit crazy.  I know that's easier said than done...TRUST ME, I know.  But it's highly beneficial to your well-being to practice taking one day at time and taking a few minutes to yourself to just breath and refocus your mind when things become too overwhelming.

Oh, I also got some new tattoos a couple weeks ago!

I'm going to try my best to keep up with my blog, but my therapy journal is priority over my blog as it's aiding me in sorting through my mental health struggles.  Blogging helps my mental health too, but my therapy journal is being monitored by an actual professional, so that's why it takes priority over the blog.

My Serotonin Done Took a Hiatus

Well, we never got to have that meeting at the hospital on Tuesday.  Dad got a call that they were moving her come hell over high water.  Though we read some really shitty reviews on this place and didn't want her to go there, we went in with an open mind anyways - what choice did we really have?  Mom was moved around noon time on Monday to the post-acute "rehab" facility.  We gave her a day to get settled in (I had my first therapy appointment on Monday anyway) and we went up to see her on Tuesday.  We were not impressed with the facility itself, but the staff seem exceptionally great so far - from what we can tell, they sound like they are going to come up with a good plan for her.  Also, UNBELIVABLE difference in her from the hospital to the rehab center.  

When we went to go see her on Tuesday, she had her eyes open, she squeezed our hands, she responded to things we were asking her.  It was a wonderful visit.  There are some issues I see going on with her eyes and it concerns me.  She is able to focus her eyes in on us, but her eyes wander off in a disturbing way - I'm not really sure what to make of it.  Her team is going to develop an extensive individualized plan for her and then meet with us about it.  They even will allow me to take a pet in the facility to see her - so eventually we will take Isabelle (Jason and I's first fur baby) to go see her as she is the most mellowed personality cat that we have between our three and their two that would be appropriate to have visit with her.  Like I said, we aren't happy with the appearance of the facility, but it's considerably clean and the staff seem competent and prompt with their abilities.  The goal is to get her better to come home, so this arrangement is just meant to be temporary.

Monday, I had my initial consult with the new therapist.  The area in which her office is located is not the best area, but I'm learning that you can't judge a book by its cover.  Our session was an hour and that's standard.  I provided her with an overview of my issues, she performed an anxiety assessment and I believe a PTSD assessment.  According to the results, I have severe anxiety and moderate PTSD.  We went over what my goals are and what my requirements were.  She claims she can dedicate to my case and schedule me weekly for the most part so I'm going to give it an honest try.  She's also okay with me being a long-term patient.  This happening to mom absolutely broke me to a whole other level - usually I can doctor myself and manage, but it's beyond my control at this point.  After therapy, I went to get bloodwork done for my wellness check for my insurance so I can save money - my cholesterol is high...go figure!

I made some cod this week for our dinners with egg noodles and veggies.  It came out good.  I've been having a hard week and have been staying in bed a lot so far this week...I need to find some motivation to get working on my house before I return to work January 3rd.  I've got so much organizing to do - need to get rid of shit that I don't need any more, put things away that I don't need out, etc.

Jay has to work this weekend which sucks because I was looking forward to him being home, but I guess that's life.  He may also have to work inventory after months of them saying it was only going to be team leads and supervisors.  That's what frustrates people the most is that you can never make plans outside of work because the place never knows what they are doing - it's sad and it wears people out.  Next week is his last week of work until January 3rd.

But yeah, this week's just been shit in regard to my mental health.  I know it will get better, I just need some time to stay in the bed and get some rest.  Since Jay has to work on Saturday, we will go see mom on Sunday and visit with her for a while.  I bought her a few nice things - a soft, pink fuzzy blanket to keep warm, a nice pair of purple slippers with gold lace design that are insulated and a Rudolf and his girlfriend plushie set.  I'm going to bring her the blanket and slippers on Sunday but the plushies are going to wait until she gets home.

I have to go get Jason and I's dinner prepared now.  I will post again soon. x

Top Ten Tuesday: Catching Up from the Weekend

2023 Honda HR-V - I didn't mention this Friday because I had much more important blog posts that I needed to focus on, but my 2023 Honda HR-V finally came in!  My father-in-law came with me to get the car because Jason was at work.  I figured it would do dad some good to get out of the house and it was a common interest we could do together.  I bought some black Plasti Dip over the weekend and dipped my emblems in black because the car is 99% red and black and I just felt that black emblems were more appropriate for a sport edition car that was mostly red and black.  It's been a project - that's for sure.  It was my first time ever using spray paint - I had to redo the HR-V on the back because it came out shitty the first time and the back Honda emblem has to be redone for a third time because it just doesn't want to do right - you have to have a lot of patience for that shit.  I still haven't got around to redoing the back Honda emblem - I needed a break because it's frustrating.

Here's the front of the car:

Jason helped me nickname her Lady Bug.

Dunkin' Cookie Butter Cold Brew - This.

That's all I have to say.  Run, don't walk to Dunkin' and try this.  You WON'T regret it.  I fell in absolute love with this cold brew - so sad that it's seasonal only.

Holiday's Postponed Until Further Notice - We will not be celebrating holidays until further notice until mom is better to celebrate them with us.  She is the heart of our traditions.  Jay, dad and I are going up to the hospital on Thanksgiving to see mom then the three of us are going out to a Chinese buffet.

Things I've Been Doing Since Last Blog Post - Cooking, basic cleaning, resting, and reflecting.  The past couple of days, I haven't been able to manage an afternoon nap and it's making me cranky.  After I finish this blog post, I may lay down for just a bit until Jay gets home.

Reflections on Self Care - My acne has been acting up on and off, I've gained roughly about 10 pounds back and my stress levels are through the roof.  I have put my self care on the back burner and it's slowly starting to get to me.  I haven't even had the motivation to shower in a few days - don't judge because I know you have ALL been there one time or another.  

I had to purchase a new medication reminder pill box because I can't seem to find the 2 or 3 that I have laying around somewhere because I've been shit at remembering to take my medications and you especially don't want to forget blood pressure medication.  I've had plenty of days where I pick up the prescription bottle and ask myself, "Did I already take this today?" and then just don't take it because while it's bad not to take it, it's definitely not good to double dose on blood pressure meds.  I rather my blood pressure be elevated than be passed out somewhere with no blood pressure at all.

Intermittent Binge Eating - I've been intermittently stress binge eating.  I hate that I do it and I try not to but sometimes fail.  I hate the guilt that follows a binge eating episode which is why I try to counter it with vaping but when I give up vaping, I will no longer have a crutch for my binge eating.

Intermittent Bouts of Anger and Sadness - I'm excessively having bouts of anger and sadness.  I'm taking a lot of things to heart right now and having trouble processing why it seems like people who I feel should be there for me aren't and certain things people are saying are highly upsetting me - I'm disappointed and heartbroken over it.  I have random crying episodes over what is going on with mom.  She's been doing much, much better but before this all happened to her, I spoke to her virtually almost every day, sometimes 2-3 times a day.  I've never gone this long without being able to talk to her - she is one of the few people that understands me and I feel so completely lost without her.  There are people checking on me from time to time but there are also people who I expected to be there for me, and they haven't.  My grandmother has been there for me the most besides Jay.  I cherish the both of them so much, they are always there for me unconditionally, no matter the day or time. 

My Doctor has Become my Lifeline - I contacted my doctor today because while the time off from work is doing wonders for me and I've been able to make some progress (when no one is fucking it up by pissing me off), I still have bouts of panic and it's stressing my body out - I can feel it, so I asked him what I should do.  He wants me to start my Trintellix back up and if I need to during the day, I can break my Ativan in half and take it if I get to feeling that way then save the other half for bedtime.  If I don't need to use a half during the day, I can just take my whole Ativan at bedtime.  He's really helped me through a lot of shit in the past month and I'm so incredibly grateful for that.

Coming up with a Plan - I've been doing a lot of self-reflecting lately.  I've decided to give virtual therapy a try and meet with a therapist based out of Greenville on Monday at noon.  My insurance allows three free, forty-five-minute sessions so what do I have to lose by trying?  I'm going to slowly get back into my skin and hair care routine, get back to a healthier eating routine, and map out of a plan to clean and organize my house.  I want to spend so more quality time with Jay as well as get back into reading some self-help books.  I have hopes that I can keep up with my blog - I believe that it would be a really positive thing for me to maintain this space.  I also want to devise a going-back-to-work plan so that I can maintain the positive routines that I want to continue to practice in order to maintain my mental and physical well-being.  I'm also keeping an agenda - I purchase one to keep important notes and dates in because my memory has been shit lately. 

Updates on mom - I called and spoke to the nurse today and they said she is much more alert today and responding well to commands - physical therapy has been working with her more and more.  All positive things lately which is excellent!  God is working closely with her, and I feel like he is working a miracle with her.  I've been praying nonstop since this happened to her.  I miss her so fucking much and I want nothing more on this God's green earth than for her just to get better.  Sunday when Jay and I went to go see her, she was the most alert that we have ever seen her since this happened to her.  She can't talk-talk but if you really listen, you can hear her whisper words through her trach that she says when she tries to talk.  I asked her again if she wanted to fight this and she said, "Oh yeah".  I told her that I'm glad she does because we still need her.  She responded, "I know".  As soon as I left her room, I cried tears of joy and had on and off bouts of crying on the way home.

I showed her the pictures of her husband and sons that I had made up for her as well as the gifts that I and others have gotten for her.  I read her the card that I got for her and showed her everyone who had signed it.  Before she got critically ill, she had made comments to me about not being able to get out to see the Fall foliage, so I took some pictures of some really pretty trees nearby so she could see when she woke up.  I finally got to show her Sunday and her eyes widened and she whispered, "Oh wow!"  I was so incredibly thankful for this day with her and the progress she has made.  I'm so fucking proud of her!  It's been so hard on me because I'm so close with her and talk to her every day for the most part - it being over a month since I've been able to has just completely killed me inside.  She'd get on my nerves from time to time but right now, I'd do anything for her to get on my nerves...I miss her so very much...

Side Notes: 

I finally watched 'Where the Crawdad's Sing' on Netflix.  It was excellent!  I've always heard that the book was really good too, but I've seen a post on Facebook where people who have both read the book and seen the movie said the movie was better.  I really enjoyed it.

Yesterday when I was having another go at redoing my car emblems, this little girl came around - she's been a stray in our neighborhood since we moved here - she use to come around with Cali.  Cali is the cat that we took in when she had an accident with a car in our neighborhood.  It's getting cold out and she wants to come in but we already have three cats and a dog, and we just can't take any more in.  I did give her a can of cat food though - she ate the whole can!

Lastly, I received an e-mail from Financial Aid that my application for student loan debt relief was approved and it will be applied once they settle the mess that they are having with the courts right now.  I'm so grateful because I truly need the assistance.

The.ONLY.good.thing.Biden.has.done.

Other than that, I had a little PTSD episode today and vented it all out between Facebook, Jay and my grandmother.  I cooked a homemade sausage mac and cheese casserole and baked some chocolate chip cookies last night.  I didn't quite get the rest that I wanted to today, so I have plans of trying again tomorrow. :)