The day my dad died, I went through a lot of different emotions in such a short period of time, feelings that were extreme and in result, very conflicting in nature. I think back to the day that I received the confirmation that he actually passed. Most people, under normal circumstances, would be consumed by sadness. My circumstances were not normal. There was sadness, but even more than that, there was a very dark cloud that came over me that filled me with an unbelievable amount of anger. I was so enraged that I couldn't even begin to comprehend what I was exactly feeling in that moment and why. Then, it happened. "How could you do this to me?", "How could you take the easy way out?" After that, I spent a fair amount of time being what I called, "emotionally constipated". I cried the day he died, I cried the day of his services and then...the well ran dry but yet, I didn't feel finished. I knew deep down that there was more to hash out there, it was a heaviness I felt in my chest and I wouldn't feel any relief until I faced it.
This man I called my "father", well, because he was my father; was also the core of my trauma; after all, he did cause the majority of it. I remember when he once sent me a text that stated, "Unfortunately, I created an evil..." and of course that was hard to read, let alone comprehend how your own father could say something like that to you. This was a result of attempting to tell him how I felt and he couldn't accept it nor take accountability for his own bullshit. Early on, I was exposed to physical abuse and then most of my adult life, verbal abuse. I'll spare the details, mostly for my own sake - I'm not trying to relive it but I wanted to provide context here. He spent most of his life being an atheist - in and out of rehab, moving from place to place - he was wandering aimlessly. The last six months or so of his life, he claimed to have found God, got baptized and everything. I want to believe in my heart that he was genuinely trying after all of these years...but there was also the fact that he was sick and you know what they say - some people try to find something to hold onto when they know there isn't much time left. I wonder, provided he wasn't terminally ill, would he still have chosen that path sincerely or if he was even sincere regardless to find his faith.
Going back to the day he died, I felt an undeniable, guilt filled sense of relief. How could I feel relieved that my father died? Man, was that a heavy feeling to feel and I felt it in every fiber of my being. When I seen the doctor to discuss going through all of these procedures for my back, including the injections, ablation and chiropractic care - I admitted that I also needed some time to heal from things much deeper and less artificial in nature. My doctor and I have a very trusting patient to doctor relationship and he knows that I understand myself on a much deeper level than most, by which, I never use to be like that. He agreed that it would be in my best interest to put me out of work, at least until I could get through the treatment for my back. I lost my mother-in-law just about a year and a half earlier than I lost my dad. I witnessed her dying, spent a lot of time living on a prayer that she would get better and when she didn't and the inevitable happened, it shut me down completely. I felt like I haven't been able to breath since she left this earth. I had a difficult time accepting that I should be relieved that she was no longer suffering because I still wanted her here. When my dad died, the relief came easy to me - partly because he was no longer suffering, partly because I was no longer suffering; walking in front of a shadow that wasn't mine. I had been set free.
I felt imprisoned by his shadow, shackled if you will. I was able to get myself to a point where I could determine what I wanted for myself, but it was so out of reach with no light in sight. Something long ago broke so badly inside me that I allowed this to happen and it just became a possession. The best way I can describe it, is being trapped in a very deep hole with no way out. In that, I didn't feel like I was truly able to implement the necessary changes that I was desiring to make for myself. That became very problematic and detrimental for me. It destroyed my mental health, physical health and my overall personal success in every sense of the term - my career, relationships with others including the one I have with Jay. If it didn't destroy these aspects, it definitely impacted them significantly from a negative standpoint. Jay stuck by me unconditionally, but there were a few times that it was coming too close for comfort, that it was even jeopardizing my relationship with him. Things got slightly easier toward the last six months of my fathers life because he didn't seem to be so consumed by darkness and was more tolerable to have an actual conversation with - he was actually listening, not cutting me off while I was speaking, reciprocating by saying how proud of me he was and being expressive and seemingly happy with his new profound guidance of God.
When he was in that dark place, there was no helping him. I only knew this to be true because I once use to be in that same dark place and I couldn't be helped either...at least from no external force. I mean, it's nearly impossible to dig your own self out when you're in that deep. You have to be real sick and tired of being sick and tired and dig very, very deep if you have any chance of survival of that terrible disease. I was only able to dig myself out to a half-way point where I was barely surviving, but not enough to see the light. There is no doubt that I was weak while he was alive, but once he died, I found my will to live again and once I was able to break free from the shackles his shadow had on me, that's when I could finally see that there is actually a light at the end of the tunnel - I'm still no where near it, but all that is important to me right now, is that I can see it. As long as I can see it and now, having the willpower, it can be achieved. I'm still working through the fact that I feel like 33 years of my life was wasted - but then I had this epiphany that it's not about the quantity of time, but rather the quality of time and God willing, I hope he will provide me with enough time to make up for the time lost and allow me to work toward the quality of life that I've deserved all along. I still find myself disheartened that I wish my dad was able to see it through and find the light...it's all I've ever wanted for him but his fate was sealed and there was nothing I could do about it.
Off topic, my chiropractor hands out free, motivational sayings on Friday's and just about two weeks ago, one really resonated with me - it said, "If you don't let the past die, it won't let you live". So began the start to my evolution. From that point on, I made a promise to myself that I will never let anyone or anything ever take what was taken from me ever again, including myself. I owe it to myself to keep this promise. It's most definitely going to be a life-long journey, but will also most definitely be a worthwhile one. I often refer a lot to Alice in Wonderland when it comes to my mental health journey because if you actual dissect the actual meaning behind her journey, you will come to realize that she had lost her sense of self and took a journey to wonderland where she experienced trials and tribulations to not only find her true sense of self, but also to discover her strengths that were deeply hidden in the shadow. The jabberwocky represented her greatest fear and she persevered in order to kill that fear - that strength was within her all along, she just had to find it for herself. The friends she met along the way were representations of fragments of her personality that consisted of both guidance and corruption within her psyche; it was up to her to trust her own instincts - the Red Queen (Evil aka Devil) represented her ID within the psyche, the White Queen (Good aka Angel) represented the super-ego within the psyche. She chose to conquer her inner-most demons by defeating the deepest fears in her shadow (aka the jabberwocky) and resolve herself from the internal conflicts that were preventing her from finding her true self.
I've taken an extremely keen interest in psychology as of late and have been conducting self-guided research on the human psyche, obtaining a comprehensive understanding of how the mind works and making connections that will lead me to the eventual success of unlocking my personal unconsciousness, so that I can truly begin to heal and take my own journey, much like the one Alice took to wonderland, to face my internal demons. I've been conducting my research under the workings of Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung, though I'm not too fond of Freud for many valid reasons, there are some notable aspects of his work. There are elements in both of their work that I don't agree with but that's okay because it's subjective for the most part which allows for much interpretation. I struggle with subjectiveness for obvious reasons, but I'm not looking to prove my truth to anyone but myself, so it doesn't really matter beyond that. Your own intuition should be sufficient. Here's to the start of getting to know myself for the very first time! My father may have been the core of my trauma (I maybe even was my father's keeper), hindering my willpower to unlock the restraints, but he never held the key - that's been in my soul the whole time. "Every adventure requires a first step..." -Cheshire
Shrinking yourself by drinking the potion represents opening up to self-vulnerability in order to achieve seeing the bigger picture. Consuming the dessert that allows you to grow-back is the ascension of rising above and becoming whole.
*drinks the shrink-me potion* See you in wonderland...
