9/23/24

Today was my first day back at work.  It was a good one.  I mostly focused on my work as I was a little rusty due to not being at work for the past two months or so, but I caught on rather quickly.  I was good today - I watched what I ate during lunch.  I had chicken cordon bleu, a few carrots, a few green olives and a side salad.  I prayed to God last night that he would help guide me through these next steps, transitioning back to work.  Prior to going on medical leave, I was oversharing the not-so-pretty aspects of my life (primarily my past).  It bothered me to do this because not everyone is for you and in that, it can become very problematic when you're trying to separate yourself from the collective and become whole; an individual.  I always wondered why I felt the incessant need to do this but the answer was right in front of me the whole time - I was subconsciously doing it through what was slipping through the cracks of my unconsciousness.  When you sit and think about it, it's ironic that it could be said that toward the end of the limbic, into the cerebellum is the "least" active or used part of the brain but why does it affect us so much and without us even realizing it most of the time?  Perhaps it's not the least active and/or used part of the brain - maybe it's more that we just don't think we use it or rather realize that we use it.  My secondary thought on that is why?  If God created us, why would he not give us access to use everything that we consist of, especially to use to our advantage?

Relatedly, we tend to physically store things that we aren't currently using and only take those things out when they are needed, including memories from our childhood and beyond.  We tend to correlate activeness with frequency but it could be that the impact matters more than the frequency?  Quality over quantity?  I wonder...

From the get-go, I agreed with Jung on his theory that tapping into the unconscious was indeed potentially dangerous and that was mostly due to that they call it the unconsciousness for a reason - there is a reason it was put there.  It's like a big basement and the door is locked with a bunch of chains wrapped around it and a huge padlock.  God knew that we would encounter evil in our lives and that it was inevitable.  It wouldn't be advisable to give a gun to everyone and expect there not to be significant consequences somewhere down the line.  There is a responsibility to owning a gun - you have to respect the intended use of it; you have to have a thorough understanding of how to use it and when to use it, otherwise, it becomes a danger more than a tool of protection.  God provided us with an internal safe to keep our weapon and it's up to us whether that means danger or protection.  He provided us a place to store everything dangerous, detrimental to us as a means to serve and protect us.  Provided we use a gun for its intended purpose, it doesn't get used much either - at least less than the most common reason. 

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10/5/24

I didn't get to finish this post before Helene hit us, so I'm taking the opportunity to do so now.

Jason disagrees with me that the unconsciousness should be accessed or attempted to be accessed at all really.  He interprets this area of the psyche to be extremely dangerous and for the most part, has the same generic initial perspective that I do on it - that it's door is wrapped in chains with a huge padlock, except, he pictures a large creature like being barricading the door.  I get it - by human nature, we tend to be afraid of the things that are unknown.  I don't doubt that it could indeed be potentially dangerous, but I also think, provided you are in a stable enough mindset, that it could result in the greater good to do so as long as you throw yourself a metaphoric life-line to pull yourself back out.  So I beg to differ with him in the regard of accessing it.  Do I think everyone should attempt to access it?  No and that is why I used the relatable gun possession metaphor.

When I was younger, I always aspired to become a psychologist.  When my doctor asked if I thought about pursuing a degree in psychology, I was honored that he would think that highly of me and I even hung onto and pondered the idea for a little while.  Unfortunately, there are many reasons at this stage of my life that this has become more of a pipedream than a reality for me.  For one, I already owe on student loans from going to school for my associates in business.  Two, it costs on average, $200,000 to obtain a doctorate degree.  Three, how long it would take me to achieve it.  And lastly, I don't test well at all - my ability to retain information, especially in excess is poor.  I would love nothing more than to break the stigma behind psychologist and be the one of few who actually makes a difference to people.  If money wasn't an object, I think I would in the very least, try.  However, I can't jeopardize not only mine, but Jason's financial stability in that attempted effort.  Then if you look at it from an economical standpoint based off geographical location - even if Google's estimate is, lets say $150,000 per a year - that's not what you get right off the bat; that kind of salary takes years to achieve.  I'm 33 years old right now, add about seven years of school, about another five years to gain a solid foundation of experience - shit, I'd be 45 or closer to 50 years old before I even began to get anywhere with it on top of having to repay student loans.  That would only give me 20 years until I retire and chances are, I'd still have student loans to repay.  Work and school would be two full-time jobs for me for a very, very long time.  Considering everything I have been through in my life thus far, I think I'd rather live.  You can't take money with you when you die.  I have more of an appreciation for experiences over money anyway.  Then also jeopardizing being able to retire due to astronomical student loan bills, which furthermore, would make it nearly impossible for us to pay off our house and vehicle loans?  Sheesh!

You definitely have to weigh the pros and cons when thinking about taking on something that drastic in your life, even the ramifications if you don't succeed.  I feel that my business degree was more or less a waste of time and money.  College tells you, "Oh, you're estimated to make this fresh out of college" - bullshit.  I made just about three times the amount of money being a quality tech for a manufacturer (without a college degree) then someone fresh out of college.  So yeah, I have my opinions and qualms about college, but I digress for the sake of getting into the politics of it.  In short, I'm not looking to make ground-breaking discoveries in my research, but more so, just looking primarily to understand myself better and to achieve healing and evolution within my own self.

3 a.m. Thoughts and the Beginning of my Self-guided Research on the Psyche

It's 3 a.m.

I woke up to use the bathroom and now I can't go back to sleep - I feel the urge to write some more and knowing me, when I have significant thoughts consuming my mind, I won't be able to rest until I deal with them, by which, I also want to take the opportunity to express these thoughts; one, while they are still fresh in my mind and two, to take advantage of the spark I actually have to write.  I prefer to write when I feel that I'm in a place where I can express my thoughts sufficiently, but more so, when I feel that I can actually achieve completeness of those thoughts.  While in the process of doing my business, I felt the need to reflect back on the previous day.  I had a follow-up appointment yesterday with my primary doctor, so that he could complete my fitness for duty form in order for me to return to work on Monday.  I wasn't only excited to get the fitness for duty form filled out in order to return to work, but I also wanted to share with him what I have worked on thus far with my self-guided research in psychology that I began merely two weeks ago.  I would like to make note on two additional aspects of my previous writing.  

Where I wrote and thought, "How could you take the easy way out?" (in reference to my father passing), though I didn't know how to make sense of that feeling at the time, I can confirm that was definitely more of an irrational thought than what it had actually seemed for me in the moment than it does now.  In all actuality, it was more of a "feeling" than a thought.  That thought derived from the fact that practically his entire life, he created me, caused all of this chaos and turmoil in my life and refused to take accountability for his actions and behavior.  Then when he died, I translated that as, "Oh, so you're just going to dip and not finish what you started - you're not going to see this through?"  I was still here and he wasn't - I felt like he had left me here to figure this all out for myself.  Almost like, you created the problem and now you're just going to walk away?  I told Jason last night that the day I found out that he died, it felt like a demonic force was leaving my body.  That was a very irrational thought (How could you take the easy way out?), but then again, he was a very irrational person - makes sense right; that I would have that thought as it pertained to him?  He was an impossible person and even though he created the problem, I found myself wanting to help him - I wanted him to find resolution in the same way that I desired to find resolution for myself, hence, being my father's keeper.  When I reflect back, it wasn't my problem to solve; that was a him problem, not a me problem.  However, I digress because it's neither here nor there.  I just wanted to make note of the progress here in my evolution.

The second aspect of my previous writing that I would like to reflect more on, is when I made brief mention of my doctor and I having a very trusting patient to doctor relationship.  Finding a good doctor is hard to find these days, especially when you have complex issues.  Trust on both ends is a difficult feat in itself and for very valid reasoning.  For the doctor, there are so many patients that take advantage of doctors in order to get what they want and it ruins it for the ones that need.  For the patient, there are doctors out there who, unfortunately, ruin the reputation of the doctoral world for the few (by comparison in the grand-scheme of things) good doctors that are out there.  A part of being a doctor is experiencing the revolving door effect, but a good doctor won't let that revolving door trap them in the process like a maze of mirrors.  What stands apart a good doctor from a bad doctor (at least in my opinion), is that a good doctor, regardless of the size of his caseload, will maintain a level-mindedness about him or her self; someone who will actually listen, not just hear what the patient has to say; someone who is not just there for the paycheck and who doesn't rush you through the appointment, reasonably of course because they do have other patients to see; who not only have education but also credible experience that coincides with each other; allows the patient to participate in their own treatment plan and doesn't just try to push agendas or medication; doesn't rush into a diagnosis because we all know where that leads - I prefer a doctor who thinks outside of the box, moreso, has the ability to put the text-book aside when it's necessary - not every patient fits the text-book definition.  And of course, having good bedside manner is a must.  You may ask, "So, what do you consider to be a bad doctor?"  The answer to that is simple - everything opposite of what makes a good doctor, duh!  My doctor is a good doctor, gold even.

I'm that person - the person that doesn't fit the text-book definition and complexity is the main reason for that.  In terms of complexity, I'm more referring to my mental rather than physical.  I use to be so wrapped around the idea of needing a diagnosis but he helped me to understand that putting a label on it is much less important than actually treating the symptoms.  A lot of doctors rush into a diagnosis, not realizing that doing so often leads to misdiagnosis and that has so many potential dangers to ones well-being.  I understand this to not always be the case and that it could be more that there are so many symptoms can present themselves in a multitude of different diagnoses - I mean, just a hunch...I'm not a doctor or anything.  In sum, credibility is everything when it comes to trust and if you're self-righteously cocky, that's a huge red flag, especially in the doctoral world.  By nature, no one likes a know-it-all and though you may be a doctor, you're still human; staying humble is imperative in all aspects of success.  By no means am I discrediting the work it takes to obtain a doctorate because I do have the utmost respect for that; it does take some balls for sure, but rather the point here is to highlight that there is more to that when it comes to the difference between what makes or breaks a doctor from being considered good or bad.  Moving on, another very useful tool that my doctor provided me with was, "Listen to your body, it will tell you what it needs".  It couldn't be closer to the truth because it is the truth.  I always doubted myself whether it was safe for me to do this or that, but from the day he let me in on that little secret, it's never failed me - not once.  Every time I see my doctor, I give him a standing ovation in my mind because if anyone has earned that, it's him and all of this patients should rightfully feel that way.

Believe it or not, I haven't actually got to the main point of this post.  By right, I should make a separate post because this is going to be a torturous read otherwise, but I find it important to keep all of my thoughts on doctors here because it's an opener for my main point - I don't apologize in advance.

My doctor has witnessed me going through it in some of the worst ways for years, but he's also just beginning to experience my evolution and he is a huge contributor in that.  He has treated the majority of my both my physical and mental health issues for years.  Yes, he is a generalized provider but in reality, he could really specialize in just about everything.  Out of every doctor I have ever seen, he has never once failed me.  Things may not have always worked but that was not due to any fault of his own - those were external factors in which he had no control over. - insurance being a big bitch in that.  Excuse my language.  My qualms with insurance is a whole other topic of discussion and definitely requires another post.  My mental health issues were the seat of my problems (something else he helped me realize) that led to a good majority of my physical health issues; I had to accept that in order to fix both and it took me years to wrap my mind around that.  Getting to the point...

I felt particularly inspired to share what I've been working on with my doctor because I knew he would not only respect it and appreciate it, but further encourage it - he was partly to thank for this revelation of mine afterall!  His take on things has always been of importance to me as it aids me in making the conscious decision on whether or not to keep going with what I'm doing.  I also take heed when he cautions me.  He exceeded my expectations when it came to his reaction for sure on what I shared with him.  As I stated in my last post, I took up a recent, very keen interest in psychology.  I believe that interest was always there but I repressed it.  Hell, I always aspired to become a psychologist since my childhood days.  After sharing my project with him, his response was, "are you sure you don't want to pursue a degree in psychology?"  That's a valid form of respect to me.

I've been dabbling in the workings of Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung with a primary focus on how the brain works in relation to the psyche.  My research will eventually expand way past that, but for now, this is where I'm at.  It was essential for me to get a thorough understanding of how the brain works because without it, you can't live.  If you can't live, well, then the reason I'm conducting this self-guided research wouldn't matter to begin with.  I want to make note that, I'm not very fond of Sigmund Freud for obvious reasons but he does undeniably have some beneficial insight behind some of his work.  I have a lot more respect for Jung's work for sure - he has more of the qualities I described in being a good doctor which is why it was imperative for me to keep my thoughts on what makes a good doctor together with this piece.  However, there are things that I both agree and disagree with them on.

Let me just put this here for good measure and so that I can also refer back to it as I continue on here...

Disclaimer: Before you have a look, please understand that one, it's not complete and two, I'm not entirely sure that my conclusions are completely sound but I'm just about 90% sure they are.  This is a rough draft, so please be kind.

(You can click on this to enhance it for further viewing purposes)

As you can see, I have taken both the iceberg model of the psyche from Freud and Jung's model of the psyche and through other various forms of research, I have constructed some of my own thought process while attempting to compare and contrast the two.  I feel very compelled to take these two models and make them whole because it makes sense to, but also, I find it very beneficial to do so as well.  The above is what I was able to come up with in just two weeks time.  Drawing sound conclusions is hard stuff, especially when most of it is subjective in nature.  I have found solace in the fact that there are many people, including myself who both agreed and disagreed with both of their work, so I know it will be unavoidable that not everyone will agree with mine.  I'm not looking to succumb to self-righteousness like Freud did.  I'm open to perception, perspective and constructive criticism - it's the only way to grow so it's necessary to keep bias out of it.  There is no need to explain my interpretations here, it's all within their models and my hypotheses around them.  There could already be some research out there that concurs with mine but I assure you that mine was not pre-meditated using the research of others, other than these two models from Freud, Jung and the inner workings of the brain.

It's now 5:26 a.m.  I'm going back to bed.  Good-night!

Oh, and one last note: now I'm beginning to understand why Jung stressed the importance of active imagination when I refer back to Alice in Wonderland and why Alice had to slip away from the collective in order to find herself.  Alice: "I don't think...", Mad Hatter: "...then you shouldn't talk!"

Thoughts Pertaining to my Father's Passing (The Dissection)

Disclaimer: There will be more parts of this as this is a personal grief project that I'm working on.

I've been on medical leave from work since July 30th, going through procedures that will help me relieve lumbar pain in the long-term.  During this time, I've been taking the time to also process having lost my father.  He's been gone since May 30th - about three months now.  He died 10 days after my 33rd birthday.  At first I went through a lot of different processes mentally - all of the processes that grief consists of.  It's metaphorically funny, you know?  I'm still deeply grieving the loss of my mother-in-law who passed over a year ago and yet, when it comes to my father, I feel like I'm moving through that grief at rapid speed.  He was my father but he also was guilty of causing significant trauma in my life that haunted me into my adulthood.  I've been with Jay going on 14 years this November - I knew her for only 13 years of my life.  Don't get me wrong, 13 years is a long time but not in comparison to my father whom I've known my whole life.  The difference?  He caused the trauma.  She began the healing.  She was my second chance to have a parent from the one who failed me.

He robbed me of 33 years of my life.  But he's not the only one to blame.  You see - they say you can only blame your parents until you turn of legal age due to the fact that once you do, you become an independent - free to make your own decisions in life.  I allowed him to rob me of those 33 years because I was weak.  I allowed the trauma he caused me to eat me from the inside out.  I struggled greatly with so many aspects of my life.  He did as well.  He was at fault for his part.  I was at fault for mine.  There is no need to beat this to death with unnecessary justification because I've already wasted 33 years of my life beating this to death and quite frankly, that isn't the point of this post nor will I benefit from doing so.  In short, the point of this post is to note that his death, though tragic in some ways, is also symbolic to my personal freedom.  I would never wish death on anyone, even my father who caused me trauma.

Towards the end of his time on earth, he seemed to be trying to find the light in all the darkness that consumed him.  I'll never truly know if it was genuine or sincere but it's also none of my business either.  That's his personal journey, not mine.  I tried for years to help him...even to the very end.  I knew he was sick but I guess I didn't realize just how bad.  As much as I tried to help him, he was in a place that I use to be.  So, you'd think that I would be at least semi-qualified to help him having had the experience first-hand myself, but no.  And you want to know why?  Because when I use to be where he was, I couldn't be helped either...at least not by others.  All external advice is rendered useless until you are in a place to actually accept the help and take self-accountability.  If you're in a downward spiral of nihilism which is the ultimate, rock-bottom one can reach, no one can save you from that but yourself.  It's a very deep burden of self-depreciating behavior.  

In order to effectively receive help from others, you first have to take a very personal, very difficult journey of inner soul searching - one that is different for everyone.  You have to figure out what broke you so badly inside that all you amounted to was a hallow shell of a person.  You have to get yourself to a relative place of concreteness - understanding, acceptance, self-accountability and the list doesn't just end there.  It takes real work to determine what psychological steps you need to take in order to get to that point where you can even begin to dig yourself out.  Otherwise, the advice of others are just words that are only heard, not actually listened to - the benefit of those advices would virtually be non-existent.  You have to reach the point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired.  And unfortunately, the sad truth is, some people are never able to reach the point of resolution with this terrible disease - they end up taking it to the grave with them.  And I believe to a certain degree that is what happened to my father.

As sadistic as it may sound, it may be the only option for some people...to be free.  This statement is not to be confused or perceived that I'm condoning suicide because that's not what I'm implying in the slightest.  I'm merely stating that there is scientific facts that the body knows what the body needs to survive, to be... considerably healthy.  If the body is deprived of the resources it needs, it will eventually, inevitably die.  The best advice I have ever heard from a doctor was, "Listen to your body, it will tell you what it needs".  I've found this to be true through my own first-hand experiences - signs that I ignored for years.  Deficiencies are identified by symptoms.  You don't need to waste money on a hoity toity college degree to comprehend that - it's no secret.  Ex: Hypertensive = reduce stress, reduce sodium, drink more water.  Hyperglycemia = reduce sugar intake, drink more water.  High-cholesterol = reduce cholesterol increasing consumption.  Obese = reduce caloric intake, more exercise.  Of course these include and consist of more preventative measures but for the sake of getting to the point, I digress and this should suffice to even the simplest of minds. 

Like advice, medication won't do shit if you continue to engage in the behavior that's causing your issues to begin with.  It may temporarily help, but it's only a crutch unless you put in the work yourself and take the necessary steps to get there.  If you can't see my point yet - the solution to the problem is to literally do the exact opposite of what is causing the problem.  Creating a problem, by human nature, has always been a lot easier for us to do than correcting a problem.  And in that, it takes much more effort to fix a problem than create a problem.  It's much easier for us to succumb to rebellious behavior - that's the ultimate flaw.  Temptation is an addiction and some have it worse than others - you can become addicted to just about anything as well as you can overdose on just about anything.  It comes in all shapes, sizes, forms and severities.  In the thick of it, you have no one to blame but yourself for your own demise.  We were all given free-will and we all have the God-given right to make choices.  Some people are never happy.  Some people want less.  Some people want more.  Some people are content and happy.  It's what makes the world go 'round.  I'm not sure there's much more to add here on the dissection of this thought process at this time without being excessively redundant.

On an ending note, it almost seems hypocritical to say that I allowed my father to rob me of 33 years of my life and then say in the same breath that his passing has set me free.  I'm still working through that thought process.  The fundamental step...at least for me, was to dissect what set him free because this all began with him.  I can now move on to the next step of identifying and dissecting the root of my shadow.  Is it perhaps, that he was my shadow?...(or that his shadow influenced and took over my shadow?) and I can begin to integrate into my one, true self now that I'm no longer burdened by his shadow?; leaving his shadow behind?  One thing I'm starting to realize is that the shadow is a reflection of who you are.  I don't think that the shadow has a set trait whether positive or negative.  I think shadow work is taking the negative aspects of your shadow and working through them in order to redirect it to achieve a greater benefit or purpose for ones self.  I wonder...

Tuesday Thoughts: In A World Where You Can Be Anything, Be Authentically You

Things have been happening quickly from the end of last week until today.  I had my phone interview this past Friday.  I thought it went extremely well - the talent acquisition supervisor asked me if I had about 30 minutes or so to chat, but he had me on the phone for a little over an hour which is an extremely good sign.  It means he was interested and engaged in the conversation and that he obviously liked what I was saying.  Things moved very quickly after that.  Monday, I found out that I had been selected to move forward in the process to an in-person interview which took place today.  I felt that the phone interview went better than the in-person but didn't necessarily think that the in-person went poorly either.  The quality supervisor said that I should be hearing back by the week after next because he is going on vacation next week and they will make a final decision upon his return.  Lord only knows that I've been through hell and back in the past two years or so, so I'm hoping this is the break that I've been waiting for. 🙏 Now I just wait and pray in the meantime.

I've been feeling lately, especially because I've learned to break myself free from fearing what others think of me, that we really do live in a constant state of damned if you do and damned if you don't.  I mean that in just about every sense of the term.  There was a good video on my Facebook that I came across that said most of it quite perfectly.  "If you're fat, people think you eat too much.  If you're skinny, people think you're sick.  If you dress well, you're showing off.  If you dress simple, you're poor.  If you're serious, you're boring.  If you joke too much, you're immature.  If you speak your mind, you're rude.  If you're single, people think you're lonely.  If you're successful, people think you're arrogant.  If you're struggling, you're lazy.  If you're honest, people think you're naive.  If you're dishonest, you're untrustworthy.  No matter what you do in this life, people are always going to criticize you".  If you're genuine, people think you either have a hidden agenda, you're putting on some kind of facade or you're cliche.  If you're fake, well, that speaks for itself.  It seems like people just feed off of what everyone else is doing instead of worrying about themselves.  Everything you do or say can and will be held against you.  Everything you say and do is rhetorical to others.  There is no winning with these kinds of people, and I've come to realize that it's a THEM problem.  People seem to live to shoot down everything you think, feel, etc... if you want to share your progress in life, you're bragging.  You're expected to just sit there and keep your mouth shut!  It's an extremely disgusting attribute of society.  It's a human flaw within people to tear down everyone else around them just because they are unhappy within themselves.  It's quite sad.

Me?  Yeah, I want to be successful.  I have some pretty solid goals that I'm working on, but I do wish everyone around me success and happiness too.  I've always been a pretty humble person.  I guess because what I've been through in life and the severity of it has made me that way.  I know what is given to you, can always be taken away.  So, I'm grateful.  I used to care so much what others thought of me to the point that it caused me anxiety and in that, I held myself back quite a lot in what I'd say and do so much so that I lost myself because of it.  Not that I ever really knew my true sense of self anyways due to the nature of the things I've been through, but yeah.  So, I made an oath to myself that from a certain point on, that I would always be my authentic self regardless.  Things are going to happen; people are going to hate you.  It is what it is.  I've spent far too much time hating myself, especially at the dispense of other people.  So now that I'm learning to love myself, I will never let anyone take that away from me.  I always remind myself when I find myself starting to spiral into the eternal depths of anxiety and depression that you literally have two options in life; sit, wallow in self-pity and be miserable or move forward with your life, set goals and boundaries and be happy!  This world is already ugly enough as it is, so you might as well be the change that you want to see in this world.  Not that you will change others or the world, but you can at least control yourself - you don't have to conform with the rest of the world which is why we have this wonderful thing called FREE WILL!

Sometimes people cause their own demise.  Sometimes I cause my own demise.  Difference between me and most people is, I have what I have today because I made the necessary changes to get where I am.  You should never feel bad for that.  I had a lot of challenges and disadvantages in life (I still do) that I had to fight through blood, sweat and tears to achieve what I wanted in life.  Therefore, I do not accept nor tolerate excuses - mostly because I use to come up with every excuse in the book!  It's all on what you want out of life and how motivated you are to go after it.  It's that simple.  They weren't lying when they said that anything worth having in this life, won't be easy.  I can honestly say that the fight is worth it!  In a world where you can be anything, be authentically YOU!

The Last Letter: Open When I Die

Warning: This post may contain content that is triggering or excessively morbid.  Viewer discretion is advised.

I've been thinking a lot about doing this lately.  What provoked this thought were two different event's that actually happened this year.  So, as you know, Jay's mom passed away back in April.  But another wonderful lady that I had been following her journey on TikTok named Haley lost her battle to cervical cancer this year as well.  She inspired me to think about doing this myself as she prepared her husband and son for her death as much as she possibly could with the time that she had left on earth as well as for the afterlife that they would have to endure without her after her passing.  Not too many people think about death when they are very much alive and in most cases, you're never prepared for it.  However, with all the turmoil and grief that Jason, his father and I have gone through and continue to go through over having lost his mom this year, I think this is something that I would very much like to do, especially for Jason.  It absolutely shattered my heart when Jay's mom passed away and I'm still having a tough time with it.  There are a lot of things that I wonder and try to figure out every day, replaying events that went down and wondering what she would have thought, wanted or said to or about certain things.  I don't want Jay to ever be left guessing when it comes to me - if I ever give him anything in this lifetime, keeping him guessing for the rest of his life after I leave this god forsaken earth is not something that I'd want to put him through.

I want Jason to know exactly what I think and feel about him and us and allow him to be able to read it as often as he needs to in order to bring him peace.  We've already been together going on 13 years this coming November - he's my forever person.  We've talked about our wishes for certain things should we both take a turn for the worst at any given time.  We also talked about if we'd ever try to move on and fall in love again too.  We had a lot of these conversations, especially after his mom passed away.  These conversations are never easy, but they are necessary.  The longer I spend with Jason, the more I'm sure that I'll never move on and fall in love again because no one could ever compare to him.  I know a lot of people would say, "You don't know that you wouldn't fall in love again..."  Well, yes, I do.  If I was committed to him while we were alive, that won't stop in the afterlife, at least not for me.  There is no way that with everything I have personally been through and everything that we have personally been through that I would ever open up to anyone else.  If Jay chooses to move on with someone else after I pass away, as hard as it is to even imagine that, I woefully respect his decision to do so.  I feel that I might even write a letter to his future partner as well - nothing hateful...just a letter of mindfulness to her.

These letters are going to take me some time to write as I want to make sure I express every last detail of every last thought that I want to convey, especially the one I write to Jay.  I will place it in an envelope and put it somewhere safe, more than likely, a fire safe box and I will tell Jason the whereabouts of the letters and that they are not to be opened until the day comes or when he is ready - but not before the day comes.  Jason means that much to me that I want to do this for him but also because I know how he is, and I know he'll need it to help him through - he holds all his emotions and feelings in.  Second to losing his parents and/or his brother, it will devastate him if he ever loses me.  I'm not saying that to be cocky - it's just that we really do rely on each other so much, we have been through a lot of shit that was meant to break us, and we have built a trust and a love like no other.  Not very many people think to do something like this for their other half before they pass.  If there are two things that I don't do very well, it's trusting and loving.  Jason is the only one in this entire world that will ever get the entirety of me in everything that I am - he's the only one that will ever have my full trust and love.

It may be morbid, but I think it's a selfless, sincere gesture.  If you're someone who loves as deeply as I do, you'll understand - especially if you don't love easily.