Today was my first day back at work. It was a good one. I mostly focused on my work as I was a little rusty due to not being at work for the past two months or so, but I caught on rather quickly. I was good today - I watched what I ate during lunch. I had chicken cordon bleu, a few carrots, a few green olives and a side salad. I prayed to God last night that he would help guide me through these next steps, transitioning back to work. Prior to going on medical leave, I was oversharing the not-so-pretty aspects of my life (primarily my past). It bothered me to do this because not everyone is for you and in that, it can become very problematic when you're trying to separate yourself from the collective and become whole; an individual. I always wondered why I felt the incessant need to do this but the answer was right in front of me the whole time - I was subconsciously doing it through what was slipping through the cracks of my unconsciousness. When you sit and think about it, it's ironic that it could be said that toward the end of the limbic, into the cerebellum is the "least" active or used part of the brain but why does it affect us so much and without us even realizing it most of the time? Perhaps it's not the least active and/or used part of the brain - maybe it's more that we just don't think we use it or rather realize that we use it. My secondary thought on that is why? If God created us, why would he not give us access to use everything that we consist of, especially to use to our advantage?
Relatedly, we tend to physically store things that we aren't currently using and only take those things out when they are needed, including memories from our childhood and beyond. We tend to correlate activeness with frequency but it could be that the impact matters more than the frequency? Quality over quantity? I wonder...
From the get-go, I agreed with Jung on his theory that tapping into the unconscious was indeed potentially dangerous and that was mostly due to that they call it the unconsciousness for a reason - there is a reason it was put there. It's like a big basement and the door is locked with a bunch of chains wrapped around it and a huge padlock. God knew that we would encounter evil in our lives and that it was inevitable. It wouldn't be advisable to give a gun to everyone and expect there not to be significant consequences somewhere down the line. There is a responsibility to owning a gun - you have to respect the intended use of it; you have to have a thorough understanding of how to use it and when to use it, otherwise, it becomes a danger more than a tool of protection. God provided us with an internal safe to keep our weapon and it's up to us whether that means danger or protection. He provided us a place to store everything dangerous, detrimental to us as a means to serve and protect us. Provided we use a gun for its intended purpose, it doesn't get used much either - at least less than the most common reason.
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10/5/24
I didn't get to finish this post before Helene hit us, so I'm taking the opportunity to do so now.
Jason disagrees with me that the unconsciousness should be accessed or attempted to be accessed at all really. He interprets this area of the psyche to be extremely dangerous and for the most part, has the same generic initial perspective that I do on it - that it's door is wrapped in chains with a huge padlock, except, he pictures a large creature like being barricading the door. I get it - by human nature, we tend to be afraid of the things that are unknown. I don't doubt that it could indeed be potentially dangerous, but I also think, provided you are in a stable enough mindset, that it could result in the greater good to do so as long as you throw yourself a metaphoric life-line to pull yourself back out. So I beg to differ with him in the regard of accessing it. Do I think everyone should attempt to access it? No and that is why I used the relatable gun possession metaphor.
When I was younger, I always aspired to become a psychologist. When my doctor asked if I thought about pursuing a degree in psychology, I was honored that he would think that highly of me and I even hung onto and pondered the idea for a little while. Unfortunately, there are many reasons at this stage of my life that this has become more of a pipedream than a reality for me. For one, I already owe on student loans from going to school for my associates in business. Two, it costs on average, $200,000 to obtain a doctorate degree. Three, how long it would take me to achieve it. And lastly, I don't test well at all - my ability to retain information, especially in excess is poor. I would love nothing more than to break the stigma behind psychologist and be the one of few who actually makes a difference to people. If money wasn't an object, I think I would in the very least, try. However, I can't jeopardize not only mine, but Jason's financial stability in that attempted effort. Then if you look at it from an economical standpoint based off geographical location - even if Google's estimate is, lets say $150,000 per a year - that's not what you get right off the bat; that kind of salary takes years to achieve. I'm 33 years old right now, add about seven years of school, about another five years to gain a solid foundation of experience - shit, I'd be 45 or closer to 50 years old before I even began to get anywhere with it on top of having to repay student loans. That would only give me 20 years until I retire and chances are, I'd still have student loans to repay. Work and school would be two full-time jobs for me for a very, very long time. Considering everything I have been through in my life thus far, I think I'd rather live. You can't take money with you when you die. I have more of an appreciation for experiences over money anyway. Then also jeopardizing being able to retire due to astronomical student loan bills, which furthermore, would make it nearly impossible for us to pay off our house and vehicle loans? Sheesh!
You definitely have to weigh the pros and cons when thinking about taking on something that drastic in your life, even the ramifications if you don't succeed. I feel that my business degree was more or less a waste of time and money. College tells you, "Oh, you're estimated to make this fresh out of college" - bullshit. I made just about three times the amount of money being a quality tech for a manufacturer (without a college degree) then someone fresh out of college. So yeah, I have my opinions and qualms about college, but I digress for the sake of getting into the politics of it. In short, I'm not looking to make ground-breaking discoveries in my research, but more so, just looking primarily to understand myself better and to achieve healing and evolution within my own self.
