9/12/24

I've been watching some movies on Amazon Prime Video lately to fill the gaps in-between my day, primarily when I eat lunch.  I've watched quite a few good ones - Four Good Days w/ Mila Kunis, My Fault w/ Gabriel Guevara and Nicole Wallace, A Rainy Day in New York w/ Timothee Chalamet,  The King of Staten Island w/ Pete Davidson and Remember Me w/ Robert Pattinson.  All very well done movies!  Among my favorite were My Fault and Remember Me, especially My Fault.  Matter of fact, they are in the works of producing a sequel to My Fault that will be coming out on Prime on December 27th called Your Fault.  I'm so entirely excited and then there will be a third called Our Fault.  If you're into romance, it's definitely for you!  Another good one I watched was Raising Voices also w/ Nicole Wallace and Gabriel Guevara.

I've also been conducting research on the shadow self to better understand it all.  It's definitely a complex topic.  I shutdown mentally when Jason's mom passed and then when my dad passed, though there was a grieving process that took place for both, they were different from each other.  Losing her made me feel isolated, even paralyzed at times both mentally and physically.  With my dads passing, I discovered a keen interest in philosophy.  Other than that, I've been gaming here and there to destress and have also been working on organizing my spare room.  Once I have reached a point that I feel satisfied with in my research, I will continue on with my thought process and writing as it pertains to the grief project that I'm working on.  I have the chiropractor tomorrow as well as grocery shopping to do.  Tuesday is my final procedure - the ablation.  I see my primary doctor that following Friday to follow-up and have him fill out my fitness for duty form, so that I can return to work on the 23rd.

Not much else is going on here.

9/10/24 Tuesday Catch-up

I've decided to disable Blogger from auto stamping the date on each of my blog posts because I felt like it would limit my creative freedom to write.  I want to decide how little or often I'd like to express my thoughts and don't need to be reminded of either instance.  I will decided going forward when I want to date my posts and if its relevant or not to do so.  In this post, I want to catch up on what's been going on with me.  

I've had my second set of diagnostic injections on Aug. 27th in preparation for my lumbar ablation that will be happening Sept. 17th.  My expected return to work date is Sept. 23rd, so long as everything goes as planned with my ablation.  The second diagnostic procedure went much better, though still uncomfortable.  Doctor prescribed me a couple of Diazepam to take post-procedure which helped relax me considerably.  I also have it to take for the ablation as well.  Jason and I went to see Beetlejuice 2 and tried a restaurant that was new to us - Electric City Pizza Co. in downtown Anderson.  He had a pepperoni pizza calzone and I tried their cheeseburger taco as well as their samurai taco.  We ordered chips and queso for an appetizer.  I didn't particularly like the cheeseburger taco but otherwise, the food was pretty decent.

(I felt so pretty this day)

The week before, we did a cookout for Labor Day - we invited Jay's dad over but unfortunately he ended up not feeling too well and went home right when the food was just about done.  Food came out good though!

I've been working in my spare room some, trying to get it better organized and get rid of shit I don't need anymore.  I finally brought myself to unpackage all of my dad's statues.  I wanted to make him a memorial display, especially to have an appropriate place to keep his remains.  This is what I came up with.

I'll most likely change it around a bit, but I just wanted somewhere for them to go for now, so they were up and out of the way until I can get better organized.  I also did this in the other corner...

I've also been chatting with one of my cousins who has been dabbling in 3D printing and have been nagging her to print these for me...

If anyone knows me, I love Alice in Wonderland with a great passion!  I think I've decided that I'm going to have her print them in white matte filament so I can paint them myself - add my own personal touch to them.  Besides, I want to switch up some of the coloring from what you see here.

Lastly, this past Friday when I went to the chiropractor, she gave me this positive saying and I couldn't resonate with it more.  It's something that I'm actively working on each day in fact.  But that's all that's been going on here lately.  Other than that, Jason has some doctor appointments coming up for some things that he has going on.

Shadow Metamorphosis (A Self-Written Poem)

 I once walked in front of a shadow that was not mine

A burden of self-depreciation that was truly undivine

Living in a world of black and white

A constant battle I was trying to fight

The color was draining from my veins

There is nothing like these kinds of pains

Things I would not wish on my worst enemy

These demons were no friend to me

I was scratching the bottom, trying to find a way out

But the only thing that filled my mind was despair and doubt

My heart was shattered, my wings were broken

A whole lot of words that were left unspoken...

I forgot how to love and I could not fly

This life of mine was passing me by

Time escaped me and before I knew

I was slowly turning into a version of you

A version of you I never wanted to be

I had to figure out how to be set free

I never had the chance to get to know the real me

Because that shadow of yours would never let me be

You once said "When I created you, I created evil"

From that point on, this would not be a sequel

I responded, "If you created evil, then you must be the devil"

You thought you could break me, you thought I would tremble

But let me just tell you, you were nothing that special

You see, I was long broken before you got to me

My soul was still mine in which you did not hold the key

I started a journey you knew nothing about

One to wonderland that with you I would go without

The day you left this earth, I was set free

Your shadow is no longer hindering me

The color is slowly returning to my veins

And with time, I will extinguish all of these pains

I want you to know that I have forgiven you

And that you should probably forgive yourself too

I once was a caterpillar, but I have formed a cocoon

I will morph into a beautiful butterfly very, very soon

A chance to know the real me, with no traces of you

Colors of all ranges, brightness and hue

My flame will be ignited for what will be the very first time

Believe you me, will it burn bright - Lord, will it shine

You tried to convince me that I was born into evil

But I was not a fool, I was not that feeble

I was born into Christ and that is MY sequel

Lord Jesus Christ is my one true lord and savior

He died on the cross to make sure I do not repeat your behavior

Metamorphosis is filled with such beautiful things

It is time for me to repair these broken wings

The ability to fly I will without a doubt regain

Farewell for now, until we meet again...

Thoughts Pertaining to my Father's Passing (The Dissection)

Disclaimer: There will be more parts of this as this is a personal grief project that I'm working on.

I've been on medical leave from work since July 30th, going through procedures that will help me relieve lumbar pain in the long-term.  During this time, I've been taking the time to also process having lost my father.  He's been gone since May 30th - about three months now.  He died 10 days after my 33rd birthday.  At first I went through a lot of different processes mentally - all of the processes that grief consists of.  It's metaphorically funny, you know?  I'm still deeply grieving the loss of my mother-in-law who passed over a year ago and yet, when it comes to my father, I feel like I'm moving through that grief at rapid speed.  He was my father but he also was guilty of causing significant trauma in my life that haunted me into my adulthood.  I've been with Jay going on 14 years this November - I knew her for only 13 years of my life.  Don't get me wrong, 13 years is a long time but not in comparison to my father whom I've known my whole life.  The difference?  He caused the trauma.  She began the healing.  She was my second chance to have a parent from the one who failed me.

He robbed me of 33 years of my life.  But he's not the only one to blame.  You see - they say you can only blame your parents until you turn of legal age due to the fact that once you do, you become an independent - free to make your own decisions in life.  I allowed him to rob me of those 33 years because I was weak.  I allowed the trauma he caused me to eat me from the inside out.  I struggled greatly with so many aspects of my life.  He did as well.  He was at fault for his part.  I was at fault for mine.  There is no need to beat this to death with unnecessary justification because I've already wasted 33 years of my life beating this to death and quite frankly, that isn't the point of this post nor will I benefit from doing so.  In short, the point of this post is to note that his death, though tragic in some ways, is also symbolic to my personal freedom.  I would never wish death on anyone, even my father who caused me trauma.

Towards the end of his time on earth, he seemed to be trying to find the light in all the darkness that consumed him.  I'll never truly know if it was genuine or sincere but it's also none of my business either.  That's his personal journey, not mine.  I tried for years to help him...even to the very end.  I knew he was sick but I guess I didn't realize just how bad.  As much as I tried to help him, he was in a place that I use to be.  So, you'd think that I would be at least semi-qualified to help him having had the experience first-hand myself, but no.  And you want to know why?  Because when I use to be where he was, I couldn't be helped either...at least not by others.  All external advice is rendered useless until you are in a place to actually accept the help and take self-accountability.  If you're in a downward spiral of nihilism which is the ultimate, rock-bottom one can reach, no one can save you from that but yourself.  It's a very deep burden of self-depreciating behavior.  

In order to effectively receive help from others, you first have to take a very personal, very difficult journey of inner soul searching - one that is different for everyone.  You have to figure out what broke you so badly inside that all you amounted to was a hallow shell of a person.  You have to get yourself to a relative place of concreteness - understanding, acceptance, self-accountability and the list doesn't just end there.  It takes real work to determine what psychological steps you need to take in order to get to that point where you can even begin to dig yourself out.  Otherwise, the advice of others are just words that are only heard, not actually listened to - the benefit of those advices would virtually be non-existent.  You have to reach the point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired.  And unfortunately, the sad truth is, some people are never able to reach the point of resolution with this terrible disease - they end up taking it to the grave with them.  And I believe to a certain degree that is what happened to my father.

As sadistic as it may sound, it may be the only option for some people...to be free.  This statement is not to be confused or perceived that I'm condoning suicide because that's not what I'm implying in the slightest.  I'm merely stating that there is scientific facts that the body knows what the body needs to survive, to be... considerably healthy.  If the body is deprived of the resources it needs, it will eventually, inevitably die.  The best advice I have ever heard from a doctor was, "Listen to your body, it will tell you what it needs".  I've found this to be true through my own first-hand experiences - signs that I ignored for years.  Deficiencies are identified by symptoms.  You don't need to waste money on a hoity toity college degree to comprehend that - it's no secret.  Ex: Hypertensive = reduce stress, reduce sodium, drink more water.  Hyperglycemia = reduce sugar intake, drink more water.  High-cholesterol = reduce cholesterol increasing consumption.  Obese = reduce caloric intake, more exercise.  Of course these include and consist of more preventative measures but for the sake of getting to the point, I digress and this should suffice to even the simplest of minds. 

Like advice, medication won't do shit if you continue to engage in the behavior that's causing your issues to begin with.  It may temporarily help, but it's only a crutch unless you put in the work yourself and take the necessary steps to get there.  If you can't see my point yet - the solution to the problem is to literally do the exact opposite of what is causing the problem.  Creating a problem, by human nature, has always been a lot easier for us to do than correcting a problem.  And in that, it takes much more effort to fix a problem than create a problem.  It's much easier for us to succumb to rebellious behavior - that's the ultimate flaw.  Temptation is an addiction and some have it worse than others - you can become addicted to just about anything as well as you can overdose on just about anything.  It comes in all shapes, sizes, forms and severities.  In the thick of it, you have no one to blame but yourself for your own demise.  We were all given free-will and we all have the God-given right to make choices.  Some people are never happy.  Some people want less.  Some people want more.  Some people are content and happy.  It's what makes the world go 'round.  I'm not sure there's much more to add here on the dissection of this thought process at this time without being excessively redundant.

On an ending note, it almost seems hypocritical to say that I allowed my father to rob me of 33 years of my life and then say in the same breath that his passing has set me free.  I'm still working through that thought process.  The fundamental step...at least for me, was to dissect what set him free because this all began with him.  I can now move on to the next step of identifying and dissecting the root of my shadow.  Is it perhaps, that he was my shadow?...(or that his shadow influenced and took over my shadow?) and I can begin to integrate into my one, true self now that I'm no longer burdened by his shadow?; leaving his shadow behind?  One thing I'm starting to realize is that the shadow is a reflection of who you are.  I don't think that the shadow has a set trait whether positive or negative.  I think shadow work is taking the negative aspects of your shadow and working through them in order to redirect it to achieve a greater benefit or purpose for ones self.  I wonder...

Weekend: Craziness Over the Last Several Weeks

I was without a computer for almost three weeks, so that's why I haven't posted.  I was having issues with my computer to where I could barely use it.  I was having power issues, BSOD's and constant freezing and restarting.  Long story short and an extremely frustrating time later, Dell finally got it fixed.  I needed a new screen, power adapter and motherboard.  Thankfully I didn't have to pay for the motherboard because that was replaced when I had to send the computer in a second time due to still having issues with it.  I've been out of work since July 30th and have already undergone my first diagnostic procedure to have a lumbar ablation done.  I'm out of work until September 23rd.  I have my next diagnostic procedure next Tuesday.  Then the ablation on the 17th of September.  I've been seeing the chiropractor just about once a week.  The pain management doctor gave me some diazepam to help me through the next two procedures because the first one hurt like hell - he said that was most likely due to the fact that my back has became worse in the last two years or so and there is most likely more inflammation which can make the procedure more painful.  All in all, this is what I have found out is wrong with my back:

➖  Military neck w/ a couple slipping discs
➖ Scoliosis (Spine pulling to the left)
➖ End of L3, totality of L4, L5 and S1 is facet joint hypertrophy
➖ Burr on one of my vertebrae
➖ Degeneration of some discs
➖ Burr on one of my hips

➖ Hips are not even 

Then talent acquisition from my job e-mails me and tells me that they thought I did really well on the interview for QC II but informed me that level II was being placed on hold due to staffing and business needs and wanted me to apply for QC I.  I would love the position but unfortunately, I'm locked out of all things work related until I return to work.  So discouraging!  It is what it is though - I need to take care of my health first.  I'm still doing okay on my diet.  Other than that, Jason finally went for his neck CT and doctor said that he doesn't see any signs of cancer which is good.  He said he will further discuss the results at his appointment.  I have a podiatry appointment on Thursday and my 6-month breast ultrasound on Friday to follow-up from my biopsy.

But other than that, just trying to get some much needed rest.

Weekly Rewind: It's Been A Tough Week

Man.  I really can't make this shit up.  Considering how much I'm trying to work on myself, it bothers me now when I have to share the not-so-positive aspects of my life.  But being human and being flawed, some shit is just inevitable.  I'm trying to remain positive through it all, but some days are just harder than others.  It seems like ever since we lost Jay's mom that I have been having this really terrible streak of bad luck.

I still haven't heard back about the quality position I applied for at my job.  After everything that I've been finding out, I don't have much confidence that I will be selected for the position.  At this point, it is what it is.  I also found myself in a situation at work the week before last which had me super stressed out, so much so that I was afraid that I was going to lose my job.  I was headed into work and was attempting to park my car.  Being permanently handicap, handicap parking is imperative for me, especially considering the pain that I've been in lately and the treatment that I'm about to undergo for my back.  I can't ever tell from day to day how I'm going to feel.  Well, when I turned the corner to park in front of the building, for some reason, they had handicap all tapped off.  There was only one parking space left in regular parking which would have been the second-best option for me to park in relation to the building.  I had someone tailing me in the parking lot, so I felt pressured to park.  They prefer you to back your car in.  While attempting the back up into the parking space at 5:45 in the morning, there were two or three times that I had to redirect my car because I was too close to the truck next to me.  I didn't think I hit anything but once I successfully parked, I went around to the back of my car and just made sure that I didn't have any damage.  So, I just went about my day.  When I went into work on Tuesday of this week, my supervisor called me into his office at the end of the shift to inquire about what happened.  He said that someone "allegedly" reported it - that they had seen it.

I told him pretty much what I stated above and that I didn't think I had hit anything and that if I did, of course I would have reported it.  HR is usually pretty good about sending e-mails out if parking is going to be unavailable and for this particular day, they did not.  After some of night shift had cleared out, I had relocated my car to a closer parking space that was closer to where I'd have to walk to my department.  Long story short, I asked him what will come of this, he said that he wasn't sure and that he wanted to get my side of the story and that he would need to consult with HR.  The next day I was able to get into the building, so I considered that a good thing.  Though, time was dwindling because I'm fixing to be on medical leave this coming week and I wouldn't be able to rest not knowing if I was going to have a job to return to.  I decided to go see him at the end of the shift Wednesday and just see if I could get any update on the situation.  I've been feeling sick over this whole situation and even offered to pay for any damages in result.  He said that HR was off until next week.  So, I then asked him if this was going to end up being a fireable offense.  He did confirm that it's not something that I was end up losing my job over.  I then asked him if it will be a disciplinary that will prevent me from applying for jobs for the next six months and he said that is what they are trying to determine.  I expressed that I understand the caliber of the situation and how very sorry I was.  Lastly, I asked if there were any damages to the other person's vehicle and he said not that they are aware of.  I'm relieved to a degree that they are going to spare me my job but I'm still disappointed in myself and still feel very bad for what happened.  I made a mental note to do better and will definitely report next time even if I'm not sure if I've done something.  Other than that, my table at work had a little bit of a rough day yesterday - they are coming down hard on us about the quota.  So over this past week for real.

The two most delicious meals of the week that I had at work.

Anyways, as for my weekend, the Rock the Country festival is in my town this weekend.  Therefore, I will be staying home for the most part except to go to my chiropractic appointment this morning, up on the other side of town to pick up some medicine for one of my cats and grocery shopping.  Jay and I may end up going out to get Chinese food since they have returned from their 2-month hiatus to go to China.  That's all for me.

Currently the Weekend: There's Nothing Wrong with Loving Yourself

It's been a pretty decent weekend so far.  I ordered a bunch of shit off of Temu after already ordering a bunch of shit off Shein.  Friday, I had another chiropractic appointment - not too bad.  I went grocery shopping and picked up some other odds and ends.  Came home and put it all away.  Sat down and iced my back and used my new neck pillow for a little while that I purchased off the chiropractor to help correct my "military neck".  Gram called me and I chatted with her for a little while.  Jason got off work early and we got Pizza Hut for dinner.  Jason got the New Yorker pizza with regular and cupped pepperoni, and I got the new tavern style pizza with bacon, onion, bell pepper and olives.  Calories weren't too bad in that tavern style pizza which I was happy about.  Jay cleaned the cat boxes and helped me with the dishes.  I'm not making anything too fancy this week for dinner - just some cod with French-style green beans, mash potatoes for Jay and butternut squash for me.

Jay and I went out this morning to the Maple Bakery in Williamston - I got a banana pudding frappe and Jay got a maple iced latte.  We brought home some extra goodies.  Don't come at me with me being on this diet - moderation is key.  I ate one of their bacon cheddar jalapeno muffins and I got Jason just a regular bacon cheddar muffin.  I also got a few more things from their display case - cinnamon roll gooey bar, cookie butter gooey bar and a slice of their butter pecan cake.  Sugar galore!  I wanted to dress up today a little because I never really get the chance to.  Yeah, we only went out to the bakery but who needs a reason to dress up?  Self-care baby!  I came home and started the wash and got the bills situated. 

It's been a rainy weekend and I'm loving it!  A cardinal showed up in our backyard yesterday and it just made my heart so happy that mom's still giving us signs that she is with us.  That dress and cardigan is from Shein.  Peep some of the shirts I ordered off Temu - they are hilarious!  I also got some decals for my car coming in as well.  I'll post them when I get them and can put them on my car!  They too are hilarious!  I also got memorial decals for Jay's mom and my dad for my car's back window.  Jay's outside messing around with the lawn mower again.  I'm just in the bedroom relaxing a bit.  I'm going to change the sheets on the bed and get them ready for the next load of wash.  My debit card needs to cool off but when I get a few more paychecks, I want to order some new sheets for our bed.  I only have two sets right now to switch between.  Temu had some nice-looking sheets that had really good reviews for a decent price.  I can't overspend with having to be out of work soon for medical treatment.  I literally have only one more full week of work and one day of work the following week before I'm out of work for a little while.  I need to come up with a list of shows I'd like to watch and books I'd like to read while I'm off.  If Laura comes into town, I will probably get with her seeing as how I'll have the time off.  I wanted to see Twisters in the movie theater, but I think I might wait until that comes out on stream.  I definitely want to see Beetle Juice 2 in theaters!  Okay, I definitely over did it on the sugar intake today.  Oops!  Well, I got my bed changed and at least I didn't eat the sugar before I went to bed!  🙈