Positive Updates are the Best Updates

Things are finally looking up a little bit so far this year.  Jason and I became a little more financially stable recently and are looking forward to paying off some of our debts so that we aren't living paycheck to paycheck anymore.  Simba and Isabelle are considerably stable with their health issues for now.  My autonomic attacks have reduced significantly in frequency and severity, though they do still happen.  I should be able to work with the sleep doctor a little better once I get my sleep study results back to get relief from unrested sleep which will hopefully in turn reduce my chronic fatigue and my anxiety even more.  We booked our trip to Tennessee for the end of October a couple weeks ago.  My mom is coming out the second week in August to visit and spend some time with us.  I'm in the process of taking leadership and development classes at my job as well as I've had both my phone and in-person interview for Suture Specialist.  I've been filling in unofficially as a specialist for the last three months.  I should hear in a few weeks on whether I got the job or not.

The first Friday in February, I'm starting the process of getting my Alice in Wonderland half sleeve done - finally!  It's going to take about twenty hours of work to complete.  This will be my first time sitting eight hours for a tattoo - a little excited and nervous at the same time.  I've already filed my taxes.  So yeah, I'd say that things are going pretty decent.  Jay's dads birthday is this coming Friday, so we are going over his house Saturday to take him out to eat and have cake with him.  I started back going to therapy this week.  I have plans to go every other week.  My next plan is to develop a self-care plan to work on my overall health.  I haven't been keeping up with my water intake that well lately, so I'm definitely going to be improving that.  I'm thinking about switching my morning breakfast to drinking a Premier Protein shake and watching my carb consumption a little better.  In the next few weeks, I'm going to start incorporating some low-impact exercising throughout the week after work.  I would also like to come up with a dedicated skincare routine.

I'm hoping I can keep up with my blog better, especially to track my progress.  I've been battling keeping up with this thing for years and I'm not sure why.  I love journaling and find it to provide a sense of stress relief.  Plus, my therapist highly recommends regular journaling as a tool to reduce anxiety, depression and stress.  Well, that's all I have for todays post.  I'm going to put my Salisbury meatballs in the fridge, relax for the night and maybe peruse Kindle to see what kind of books I can get into reading.  Not to mention, we have been talking about where we want to go for my first trip of a lifetime benefit at work - definitely out of the country!  I get a trip of a lifetime every five years that I work for my company and each five years, they give you more money towards it.  We are thinking about going to Europe, possibly Rome!

Alright.  Ta-ta for now!

Self-Intervention

It's been a hard few months.

I've been dealing with chronic medical issues all the while trying to come up with a plan on how I'm going to heal.  The biggest person I have let down over the years is myself which led me to face a lot of hard truths.  I've been worried about everyone and everything else other than myself and that has reflected in my current circumstances with both my mental and physical health which has caused issues in my relationship with God, Jason and both my professional and personal life.  This year was definitely the straw that broke the camels back and it caused me to be at my wits-end.  I've had some time to stew on my thoughts and I'm not sure if I lost myself completely at some point in the process or if I've never had the chance to meet my true sense of self to begin with - to be honest, I'm not really sure I know how to tell the difference which I think is the barrier I struggle with in determining which one really took place.  At this point, however, I feel that trying to wrap my head around which one it is, is irrelevant because either way leads me on a journey with the same purpose which is finding myself.  Either way, I have to take time to heal and discover the person I truly am.

As I sit here and reflect, I've come to realize that I have given up a lot in neglecting myself.  I have given up on my health all together, self-care, my worth, family, friends, things that make me happy and at times - my professional life, my relationship with God and Jason.  Because of my lack of self-worth, I've allowed things that I should have never allowed.  Mostly, I let other's and their opinions live rent free in my head causing all kinds of manifestations of negative inner dialogue.  I've felt the incessant need to justify myself to others when it comes to their expectations of how I should be living my life and/or what I should or should not be doing.  I've been over-exerting myself in trying to keep the peace for everyone else that I allowed it to create nothing but total chaos and havoc in my life.  I've reached the point where I can't hold up this facade any longer.  I had to reach deep within myself to realize that I deserve better, to realize that I'm worthy of living my best life just like the next person.  After all I have been through, I deserve at least that much.  My therapist has been an integral part of helping me come to these realizations.  Though medication is still in the trial and error process for me at the moment, it has definitely helped balance me out a bit better and though I still have autonomic attacks from time to time, they have lessened in both frequency and severity which has allowed me the opportunity to think with a much clearer mind and provide me with some form of mental stability.

These issues didn't appear over night, so this journey will be nothing short of the same and that's okay.  After all of these years, I deserve to take this journey of self-love and care.  It's okay to be in a place of brokenness as long as we don't stay there forever.  This turmoil stemmed from early childhood and I've just let it take complete rein over my entire life.  It's time for me to bury the hatchet within myself and begin this journey.  That's not to say that I will not help other's when they are in need and of course, when I'm able, but more so, that I need to set myself as a priority first and foremost.  There are many, many things that I need to allow myself time to feel and heal from.  We live in a world where we really should and need to normalize that it's okay not to be okay and that we may need help at times.  It's nothing to be embarrassed about as we are all human.  With all of this being said, I don't have any specific New Years resolutions because for me, it's not about achieving a specific goal in a certain frame of time.  This journey that I'm about to take isn't something that can be achieved in just a years time - it's something that will unfold over the course of the rest of my life.  However, I will be taking this coming year to focus strictly on myself and the ground work necessary for this journey.

Things that I will be working on going forward:

Relationship with God, Jason, family and friends

Self-love, self-care and my health both physically and mentally

Changing the way I think/talk to myself

Paying off debts and saving money

Professional life

Working on our house

Engaging in things that make me truly happy (blogging, going out more, spending more quality time with Jay, reading, listening to music, painting, traveling trying new things)

Letting go (of my past, letting people live rent free in my head, being a people pleaser, worrying what others think of me, grief of losing my mother-in-law and my father, worrying excessively for no reason)

Allowing myself to feel and be truly happy

Creating a safe space for me in my spare-room where I can have time to myself

Dysautonomia - The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

After seeing a cardiologist, I've recently been diagnosed with dysautonomia, unspecified.  The long and short of it, there is no cure for it.  There isn't really a doctor who will touch it with a ten foot pole either.  Did my cardiologist look at me like he was telling me I had terminal cancer?  Yes.  Did I completely lose my shit and break down in front of him to the point of being inconsolable?  Most definitely.  He can treat the high blood pressure and the tachycardia with medication that is being caused by the dysautonomia but beyond that, he can't do much else.  He recommended that I salt my food in moderation, even with blood pressure issues and to try compression leggings.  He said hydration and rest are important aspects.  

I'm really at a complete loss for words to be perfectly honest.  I'm devastated.  There are so many things that can cause dysautonomia, so there is no definitive way to figure out what exactly is causing it which is a huge problem.  I'm suffering from a lot of mental health issues because of it.  I've altered my life a lot lately in attempt to keep my symptoms at bay such as quitting vaping, switching to decaf or caffeine free products, eating healthy and drinking approximately 120 oz of water a day.  I also take vitamins for deficiencies.  All of the testing I've done has come back reasonably normal.  Bloodwork testing hormone levels, thyroid, complete blood count, comprehensive metabolic panel, auto immune disease, lyme disease, cortisol, norepinephrine, epinephrine, dopamine, tryptase, etc.  I've also had a cardiac scoring test, tilt-table test, ECG, EKG and echocardiogram as well as wore a 30-day heart monitor - all of which came back normal.  So, lets talk about it...

The Good: It can't literally hurt you.  Now I say this loosely because if you don't manage certain symptoms such as the blood pressure and tachycardia that goes along with it then over-time, yes, it can hurt you but other than that, it can't kill you.  Fortunately, the blood pressure and tachycardia symptoms of dysautonomia can be treated with medication, staying sufficiently hydrated, managing stress and consuming a healthy diet.

The Bad: There is no cure for it.  It is next to impossible to find a doctor that is willing to treat dysautonomia.  It's very difficult to figure out what exactly is causing it as there are countless things that can cause it.  It's not a highly researched topic as it's only becoming more and more common after COVID.  Having the hypertensive type of dysautonomia (not associated with POTS) is even less common which is the type that I have.

The Ugly: It sucks!  You never know when an attack is going to happen and even though you may have discovered some of your triggers, sometimes it still has no rhyme or reason why you are in a flare.  The flares can range in severity and length of time.  They can last only 15 minutes and not be that bad or last up days in a row and be completely debilitating.  You may even feel so horrible that you feel like you need to go to the E.R but the reality is, the E.R can't do a single thing for you.  How do I know?  I've been there for this.  They chalk it up as anxiety, may or may not give you a limited script for anti-anxiety meds, tell you to follow-up with your primary care doctor and send you on your way.

I've come to learn that the E.R can't help you unless you are actively bleeding, having a heart attack or having a stroke.  These attacks can be extremely traumatizing.  The most common symptoms I have during a flare is I get extremely cold (especially my hands), brain fog, rapid heart-rate, tingling throughout my entire body, flight or fight panic - basically feeling like I'm going to die.  In more severe attacks, including all the common symptoms, my whole body has tremors.  In the worst attack I've had so far, can't catch my breath and talking like I had a stroke.  The night of my worst attack, I dialed 911 on myself which was before I knew what dysautonomia was.

Triggers (for me anyway): HEAT, excessive sugar/carb consumption, dehydration, moving too quickly, too much stress, excessive lights and sound, being over-stimulated in general, standing too long, etc...

Tips that help me: Stay hydrated. Quit vaping (nicotine in general).  Limit caffeine and alcohol to a bare-minimum.  Listen to your body and don't force yourself to do something you can't do - if your body is telling you to lay down and get rest, DO IT!  Take breaks if needed.  I take breaks whether I'm out running errands, doing household chores and even if I'm out and about enjoying myself.  Be kind to yourself and limit your exposure to stress.  There is going to be stress in your life no matter what, but limiting as much as possible is imperative in reducing flare-ups.  If you can't get your own stuff done, don't agree to help others.  You can't help others if you're on fire yourself!  You have a condition that is chronic, complex and involuntary - you shouldn't feel guilty for that!  Lastly, what helps me during an attack is getting a cold water bottle and holding it to my chest.  I do deep breathing exercises and either sit or lay down until the feeling passes.  I try to distract my mind by either watching T.V or scrolling through social media of some sort.  I also tell myself, "This will pass as it always does.  It can't hurt me and I'm going to be okay".  I'll repeat it as many times as I deem necessary.

It's Been A Rough One Lately

I've typed up a couple of drafts over the course of the last month and to be completely honest, they are not something that I want publicly posted.  I've been going through a really rough time lately (still am) and at some of my lowest points, I wrote about some really raw feelings that I was having.  Those feelings still cross my mind from time to time but it's not something that I really want to share publicly.  To give the gist of it - I've been having feelings of not being good enough and not liking the person I am, to feeling like a complete and utter failure.  It's difficult having significant medical issues that put limitations on your life and it's even more difficult to stay afloat mentally because of it.  I didn't picture my life like this at all.  I thought by now that I would be a lot further in life both personally and career wise.  Inflation is kicking my ass - trying to keep my head above water with all of the bills and of course having four animals to care for, two of which are having costly medical issues.  I desperately need a vacation - away from work, away from health issues, away from doctors, away from the pets, away from the bills, away from the house - away from it ALL!  The end of August really can't get here sooner.  After having no vacations in the last three years, we are so ready for this!

The Cardiologist had me start Propranolol on Monday and so far I notice a difference in how I feel.  Yesterday was a really good day.  Today I'm okay but I'm a little stressed about Simba.  I had to drop him off at the vet today to have an ultrasound due to him losing a significant amount of weight lately, so I am feeling a little tense today but other than that, feel pretty decent.  The biggest thing I've noticed is that I don't feel my heart beat anymore.  My heart was beating so fast before that I could actually feel it.  I've also noticed that my heart rate in the morning when I first wake up is starting to stabilize.  It use to be between 105-125 when I first woke up and now it's in the high 70's, lower 80's which is fantastic.  The blood pressure isn't quite where I want it but it's definitely a lot better than where it was.  I suppose that I will see more definitive results in about another week or so when the medication has more time to get in my system, but it's not doing too bad considering I've only been on it since Monday afternoon.  I had my appointment with the Cardiologist's nurse practitioner and other than my heart having around eight-thousand PVC's in the course of thirty days, every other test I've had shows nothing but a relatively healthy heart.  They don't have the complete results of my tilt-table test yet, but it's looking like nothing is coming of that either.  The Propranolol is helping a lot though so far.  I should be following up with the Cardiologist again within a month's time to go over how the Propranolol is working.

We didn't get good news on Simba this week.  He has lost another pound and though difficult to diagnose, the vet is under a very strong suspicion that he has FIP (Feline Infectious Peritonitis).  The treatment for it is around $2,000 and is not very likely to work at his age as he is about thirteen years old.  If it did anything, it may buy him another few months of time.  He is also suffering a respiratory infection, so we are treating that with antibiotic and inflammatory meds.  She decided to do an x-ray instead of an ultrasound and said that he had a lot of  gas in his intestines.  We are not sure how much time we have with him but we are doing our best to spend as much time with him as possible as well as encourage eating and drink as much as possible.  Jason and I are just completely devastated - we have had Simba most of our relationship...him and Isabelle were our first babies!

Like I mentioned earlier, my mental health has been awful lately.  I've been experiencing a lot of negative, self-deprecating inner dialogue.  My attitude has been so shitty.  I'm trying to figure out how to fix it...how to heal.  I told my therapist last week that I just want to be a free spirit but I haven't the slightest idea on how to achieve that.  I'm dealing with a lot of inner anger that is keeping quite the hold on me.  I don't think I give myself enough credit.  I've changed a lot recently.  I've been eating a lot healthier, drinking more water, taking all my medications and vitamins consistently, cut way back on caffeine and quit vaping on my birthday.  I haven't vaped in almost two months.  Cardiologist did clear me to do some light exercise, so I will probably start a program two or three times a week after work.  I've been inquiring about opportunities at work and trying to network better in order to do better professionally.  I have a lot of inner work to do...

Lets Talk About Dysautonomia

I don't feel super qualified yet to discuss this topic as I haven't been definitively diagnosed with it as of yet.  However, because these symptoms have been going on with my body now since roughly the beginning of the year and because they have also affected my life so significantly, I felt that I'd like to at least touch upon a few things here while I'm in the process of going for various tests - so lets talk about it!

So, why am I calling my symptoms "dysautonomia"?

Well, because both my family doctor and cardiologist are sharing the same medical opinion that what I'm experiencing is most likely some form of dysautonomia which is a dysfunction of the autonomic nervous system for whatever reason.

What are the symptoms of dysautonomia?

That's going to look slightly different for everyone.  For me, excessively bright lights, excessive noise, eating/drinking too much, inability to regulate body temperature (mostly getting too cold is an issue but I don't tolerate heat well at all), migraines, excessive fatigue, nausea and moving too fast all lead to my heart rate going well over 100+ bpm and making me feel like I'm having an emergent episode.  It's incredibly scary at times and trying to convince yourself that you're okay...well...relatively okay is a lot easier said than done when you're in a flare.  It's an exhausting disorder to say the least.  It can happen several times a day and makes it very difficult to go to work.  I usually wake up tachycardic which is a nuisance.

What kind of testing have I done so far?

I've had blood work, an EKG, ECG, cardiac scoring test and I'm currently wearing a 30 day heart monitor.  I go for a tilt-table test this coming Friday which Jason is going to take the day off to take me to because I need a designated driver because they are basically going to be provoking my symptoms with the test which in turn is not going to make me feel very good.  My family doctor is also going to send me for an echocardiogram just to be on the safe side.  They are basically wanting to rule out any direct heart related issues that could cause an imminent threat.  

For several months now, this has impacted my life so significantly that it's causing mental health issues.  I've had difficulty staying at work, can't really do anything outside of work because my body is just too damn exhausted just going to work.  It's awful.  All my life goals have come to a complete halt right now until we figure this out.  I've been going to therapy weekly to express how this all has been making me feel.  I just want to feel better and the thing is, I can't really control too much when a flare decides to pop up - they are mostly involuntary.  I'm not too sure how to describe what a flare like this feels like other than telling you that it feels like I need to go to the emergency room because I feel like something serious is about to happen to me...

In reality, the E.R can't do a thing for it.  It's just a wave that I have to unfortunately ride until I can have further testing done.  Things I have changed recently is: I drink between 80-120 ounces of water daily, I quit vaping as of my birthday on May 20th, I started drinking one bottle of sugar free Gatorade a day to get my electrolytes in and I switched to caffeine free diet Coke and try to opt of decaf beverage choices where I can.  I try to limit the amount of stimulants that I'm consuming as my body is not tolerating stimuli very well at the moment.  My family doctor put me on Nurtec for the migraines which my insurance so graciously gives me for free.  However, I can't be put on anything for the heart-rate issues right now until they do further testing and figure out whatever the hell this is that's going on with me because for one, it could skew any tests they try to do and two, it may not be the best course of treatment if they don't diagnose it correctly.

Vacation To-Do's at Myrtle Beach and Charleston

Jason and I are very excited in anticipation of our upcoming vacation at the end of August.  We haven't been on vacation in about three years just because of things that came up - mostly family emergencies.  With everything we have been through in the last three years with losses and my health, we are so ready for it!  We have been planning just a little bit because there is so much that we want to do!  So we wanted to share with you just what we plan to do, keeping in mind that we have been to Myrtle Beach several times already, so we are very well-versed when it comes to Myrtle.  However, this will be our first time visiting Charleston and there is so much we want to do when we go there that I have no idea how we are going to fit it all in!

Jason has been wanting to attend the Pirates Show and Dinner, so we are definitely doing that for sure.  The condo that we rented is just simply amazing with a jacuzzi right off the bedroom which has a king bed!  I'm trying to find a place local to Myrtle Beach where I can order custom made chocolate covered strawberries that I can pick up once we arrive.  I'm not talking basic-bitch chocolate covered strawberries.  I'm talking boujee chocolate covered strawberries - ones not only dipped in chocolate but covered in mini chocolate chips, Biscoff cookie, Oreo cookie, etc.  Although, I've been having a difficult time finding a place that does what I'm specifically looking for.  There was one small business I tried, but she will be out of town when I'd want them, so that fell through.  I also have plans of doing an all-out charcuterie board that features crackers, cured meats, cheeses, olives, pickles, nuts, jams, fruit, etc which will be nice to enjoy outside on the balcony of our condo.  We definitely want to hit our favorite hot-spot restaurants like Pegasus and Pizza Chef.  Jason wants to try the Hangout restaurant at Broadway at the Beach.  We will make time to navigate Broadway at the Beach - Jason and I have never experienced it in the evening/night when everything is lit up, so I think we will try that out for a change!  Boardwalk Billy's is another restaurant I want to try.  We will spend a day on the boardwalk, a day at Broadway at the Beach and then mostly hit the pool and the beach.  I do also want to go horseback riding on the beach as I think that would be so romantic and Jason has never gone horseback riding before, so it would be a nice and new experience for him.  However, I've been halted in my weight loss due to medical issues I've been having and so, I'm not sure I will be under the max weight to ride a horse by then...

Oh how I wish we had more time to explore Charleston!  It's our first time going and we are just taking a day trip there for a change of scenery.  I just don't think it's possible to see it all in one day!  Some strategic planning will definitely have to be done as well as some sacrifices more than likely...

The problem is, nothing really opens up until 9 a.m. and everything closes by 5 p.m.

Here is what we would like to do when we go to Charleston:

• Rainbow Row (Pictured in the above photo)
• Water Front Park ft. Pineapple Fountain
• Aquarium
• City Market
• Naval and Maritime Museum (Just visit from the outside and snap some pictures)
• Boone Hall Plantation
• Eat at Red's Ice House
• Haunted Jail Tour

I also wanted to visit the Angel Oak Tree but honestly, it's going to be a tight enough schedule trying to fit the above in as is and Angel Oak is about thirty minutes in the opposite direction which is out of our way.  As far as the Naval and Maritime Museum goes, due to a tight itinerary and also my medical issues, it's best to just enjoy the battle ships from afar and snap some pictures from the outside.  For the most part, the order I put the things we'd like to do in, is the order we are pretty much going to try to do them in for the sake of time and planning.  Rainbow Row doesn't have a time as it's just a bunch of residences but preferably would like to see them during the day, so early morning would be best for that.  Water Front Park opens at 7:30 a.m., so that can get done next.  Aquarium opens at 9 a.m. then best to do city market while we are in the area.  Then we shall cross the bridge and pop in to visit the battle ships real quick then head to Boone Hall as they recommend 3-4 hours to sufficiently tour the grounds.  I figured eat dinner around 5-5:30 p.m. and then schedule the jail tour for 7 p.m.  I believe the haunted jail tour is about forty-five minutes or so, but we also have about a two hour drive back to our condo, so the 7 p.m. slot would work best for us for that.  I'm so excited!  Charleston sounds like an adventure filled day!

I have a few outfits and other things that I have saved in my Shein shopping cart that I'd like to wear for vacation.  Jason and I haven't been on vacation in just about three years, so to say the least, we are both very excited about this vacation.  We are going to try to plan another one for next year to Tennessee.  Last time we went to Tennessee (which was our first time), we only went for three days, so we'd like to go back for longer and experience more!  We are just very anxious to have a very successful vacation with this beach trip because our luck over the past three years hasn't been good with things coming up and not being able to follow through with future vacation planning.

We All Know...That I'm Not Very Good At This

It's been a crazy past few month's guys.  Back in March, Jason's dad took a very nasty fall which resulted in EMS being called.  He fractured his hip around his hip replacement and had to have surgery.  Come to find out, he's been having mini strokes.  He has a referral for neuro-psychology but can't get in for another eight months or so because everyone and their brother has a neurological issue.  So, he most likely won't be seeing that doctor until around January 2026.  I haven't been too well myself lately.  I've been dealing with a lot of stress in my personal life and it's starting to show up physically now.  I've been dealing with a lot of increased heart-rate issues lately and I'm currently in the process of working with several doctors to figure out what is going on.  To say the least, these issues are making me extremely fatigued and feeling very ill most of the time.  My primary care doctor won't put me on any medication right now to stabilize the heart-rate issues until I see the Cardiologist on June 2nd because if I'm sent for any tests, being on medication will skew the test results.  So I'm just doing my best to reduce as many bad habits as I can for right now and eat as healthy as I can as well as staying well-hydrated in the mean time.

I quit vaping as of May 20th which was my birthday.  I had quit one time before and then my dad died - it's not an excuse.  I chose to pick it back up.  Yes, I was dealing with an extremely stressful event but at the end of the day, there will always be stress.  I don't do caffeine often but when I do, I'm now choosing decaf options which still has a small amount of caffeine, but is way, way less than actual caffeine choices.  I switched from cream in my coffee to oak milk and Splenda instead of sugar.  Yeah, they say Splenda isn't all that great either, but what the hell other options are there?  The only way to be truly healthy is to eat chicken and broccoli all the time and drink water - that's it!  I've had to take a step back from doing things that require me to "push" myself and ask Jason for help when I need it.  I think recent events really scared him with what I'm going through.

I've been reading a little bit here and there and would love to do so more.  It's just as of late, I've been very, very tired and I'll start reading and then my eyes will get very, very heavy and before I know it, the phone, tablet, whatever will just about fall out of my hands.  Self-help books is what I'm currently interested in right now.  It helps fill the gaps between therapy appointments.  I'm reading one right now called, "Forgiving What You Can't Forget" by Lysa Terkeurst.  A couple others that I'd like to read afterwards are "Communicate Your Feelings (without starting a fight) by Nic Saluppo and "The Let Them Theory" by Mel Robbins.  I was also thinking of reading "The Magic of Mindful Self-Awareness" by Matt Tenney but I read the sample and it just didn't do anything for me really.

Therapy has been helping me.  I was so ready to cancel therapy this past Friday because I was out of work Wednesday and Thursday, spending from then until now mostly in bed trying to recover.  I'm dealing with a lot lately mentally.  I've been super hard on myself about my career and feeling bad about how I haven't been able to progress lately among other things.  Thing is, maybe I just need to focus on my current position and managing that as it is.  Maybe it's best that I don't progress until I'm able to get my health straightened out.  Either way, one thing I'm working on is setting boundaries with people and realizing I can't come to everyone's rescue all the time.  I need to put myself first sometimes and as of late, this is definitely one of those times.  I know I've said it a lot and we all know just how terrible I am at keeping this damn blog up and running, but what I would like to do is be a lot more consistent with it...writing here that is.  I love writing and keeping track of my daily musings, but I just haven't felt like I could ever prioritize it.  Well, the times come that I prioritize what is important to me!