Warning: This post may contain content that is triggering or excessively morbid. Viewer discretion is advised.
I've been thinking a lot about doing this lately. What provoked this thought were two different event's that actually happened this year. So, as you know, Jay's mom passed away back in April. But another wonderful lady that I had been following her journey on TikTok named Haley lost her battle to cervical cancer this year as well. She inspired me to think about doing this myself as she prepared her husband and son for her death as much as she possibly could with the time that she had left on earth as well as for the afterlife that they would have to endure without her after her passing. Not too many people think about death when they are very much alive and in most cases, you're never prepared for it. However, with all the turmoil and grief that Jason, his father and I have gone through and continue to go through over having lost his mom this year, I think this is something that I would very much like to do, especially for Jason. It absolutely shattered my heart when Jay's mom passed away and I'm still having a tough time with it. There are a lot of things that I wonder and try to figure out every day, replaying events that went down and wondering what she would have thought, wanted or said to or about certain things. I don't want Jay to ever be left guessing when it comes to me - if I ever give him anything in this lifetime, keeping him guessing for the rest of his life after I leave this god forsaken earth is not something that I'd want to put him through.
I want Jason to know exactly what I think and feel about him and us and allow him to be able to read it as often as he needs to in order to bring him peace. We've already been together going on 13 years this coming November - he's my forever person. We've talked about our wishes for certain things should we both take a turn for the worst at any given time. We also talked about if we'd ever try to move on and fall in love again too. We had a lot of these conversations, especially after his mom passed away. These conversations are never easy, but they are necessary. The longer I spend with Jason, the more I'm sure that I'll never move on and fall in love again because no one could ever compare to him. I know a lot of people would say, "You don't know that you wouldn't fall in love again..." Well, yes, I do. If I was committed to him while we were alive, that won't stop in the afterlife, at least not for me. There is no way that with everything I have personally been through and everything that we have personally been through that I would ever open up to anyone else. If Jay chooses to move on with someone else after I pass away, as hard as it is to even imagine that, I woefully respect his decision to do so. I feel that I might even write a letter to his future partner as well - nothing hateful...just a letter of mindfulness to her.
These letters are going to take me some time to write as I want to make sure I express every last detail of every last thought that I want to convey, especially the one I write to Jay. I will place it in an envelope and put it somewhere safe, more than likely, a fire safe box and I will tell Jason the whereabouts of the letters and that they are not to be opened until the day comes or when he is ready - but not before the day comes. Jason means that much to me that I want to do this for him but also because I know how he is, and I know he'll need it to help him through - he holds all his emotions and feelings in. Second to losing his parents and/or his brother, it will devastate him if he ever loses me. I'm not saying that to be cocky - it's just that we really do rely on each other so much, we have been through a lot of shit that was meant to break us, and we have built a trust and a love like no other. Not very many people think to do something like this for their other half before they pass. If there are two things that I don't do very well, it's trusting and loving. Jason is the only one in this entire world that will ever get the entirety of me in everything that I am - he's the only one that will ever have my full trust and love.
It may be morbid, but I think it's a selfless, sincere gesture. If you're someone who loves as deeply as I do, you'll understand - especially if you don't love easily.
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