Disclaimer: There will be more parts of this as this is a personal grief project that I'm working on.
I've been on medical leave from work since July 30th, going through procedures that will help me relieve lumbar pain in the long-term. During this time, I've been taking the time to also process having lost my father. He's been gone since May 30th - about three months now. He died 10 days after my 33rd birthday. At first I went through a lot of different processes mentally - all of the processes that grief consists of. It's metaphorically funny, you know? I'm still deeply grieving the loss of my mother-in-law who passed over a year ago and yet, when it comes to my father, I feel like I'm moving through that grief at rapid speed. He was my father but he also was guilty of causing significant trauma in my life that haunted me into my adulthood. I've been with Jay going on 14 years this November - I knew her for only 13 years of my life. Don't get me wrong, 13 years is a long time but not in comparison to my father whom I've known my whole life. The difference? He caused the trauma. She began the healing. She was my second chance to have a parent from the one who failed me.
He robbed me of 33 years of my life. But he's not the only one to blame. You see - they say you can only blame your parents until you turn of legal age due to the fact that once you do, you become an independent - free to make your own decisions in life. I allowed him to rob me of those 33 years because I was weak. I allowed the trauma he caused me to eat me from the inside out. I struggled greatly with so many aspects of my life. He did as well. He was at fault for his part. I was at fault for mine. There is no need to beat this to death with unnecessary justification because I've already wasted 33 years of my life beating this to death and quite frankly, that isn't the point of this post nor will I benefit from doing so. In short, the point of this post is to note that his death, though tragic in some ways, is also symbolic to my personal freedom. I would never wish death on anyone, even my father who caused me trauma.
Towards the end of his time on earth, he seemed to be trying to find the light in all the darkness that consumed him. I'll never truly know if it was genuine or sincere but it's also none of my business either. That's his personal journey, not mine. I tried for years to help him...even to the very end. I knew he was sick but I guess I didn't realize just how bad. As much as I tried to help him, he was in a place that I use to be. So, you'd think that I would be at least semi-qualified to help him having had the experience first-hand myself, but no. And you want to know why? Because when I use to be where he was, I couldn't be helped either...at least not by others. All external advice is rendered useless until you are in a place to actually accept the help and take self-accountability. If you're in a downward spiral of nihilism which is the ultimate, rock-bottom one can reach, no one can save you from that but yourself. It's a very deep burden of self-depreciating behavior.
In order to effectively receive help from others, you first have to take a very personal, very difficult journey of inner soul searching - one that is different for everyone. You have to figure out what broke you so badly inside that all you amounted to was a hallow shell of a person. You have to get yourself to a relative place of concreteness - understanding, acceptance, self-accountability and the list doesn't just end there. It takes real work to determine what psychological steps you need to take in order to get to that point where you can even begin to dig yourself out. Otherwise, the advice of others are just words that are only heard, not actually listened to - the benefit of those advices would virtually be non-existent. You have to reach the point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired. And unfortunately, the sad truth is, some people are never able to reach the point of resolution with this terrible disease - they end up taking it to the grave with them. And I believe to a certain degree that is what happened to my father.
As sadistic as it may sound, it may be the only option for some people...to be free. This statement is not to be confused or perceived that I'm condoning suicide because that's not what I'm implying in the slightest. I'm merely stating that there is scientific facts that the body knows what the body needs to survive, to be... considerably healthy. If the body is deprived of the resources it needs, it will eventually, inevitably die. The best advice I have ever heard from a doctor was, "Listen to your body, it will tell you what it needs". I've found this to be true through my own first-hand experiences - signs that I ignored for years. Deficiencies are identified by symptoms. You don't need to waste money on a hoity toity college degree to comprehend that - it's no secret. Ex: Hypertensive = reduce stress, reduce sodium, drink more water. Hyperglycemia = reduce sugar intake, drink more water. High-cholesterol = reduce cholesterol increasing consumption. Obese = reduce caloric intake, more exercise. Of course these include and consist of more preventative measures but for the sake of getting to the point, I digress and this should suffice to even the simplest of minds.
Like advice, medication won't do shit if you continue to engage in the behavior that's causing your issues to begin with. It may temporarily help, but it's only a crutch unless you put in the work yourself and take the necessary steps to get there. If you can't see my point yet - the solution to the problem is to literally do the exact opposite of what is causing the problem. Creating a problem, by human nature, has always been a lot easier for us to do than correcting a problem. And in that, it takes much more effort to fix a problem than create a problem. It's much easier for us to succumb to rebellious behavior - that's the ultimate flaw. Temptation is an addiction and some have it worse than others - you can become addicted to just about anything as well as you can overdose on just about anything. It comes in all shapes, sizes, forms and severities. In the thick of it, you have no one to blame but yourself for your own demise. We were all given free-will and we all have the God-given right to make choices. Some people are never happy. Some people want less. Some people want more. Some people are content and happy. It's what makes the world go 'round. I'm not sure there's much more to add here on the dissection of this thought process at this time without being excessively redundant.
On an ending note, it almost seems hypocritical to say that I allowed my father to rob me of 33 years of my life and then say in the same breath that his passing has set me free. I'm still working through that thought process. The fundamental step...at least for me, was to dissect what set him free because this all began with him. I can now move on to the next step of identifying and dissecting the root of my shadow. Is it perhaps, that he was my shadow?...(or that his shadow influenced and took over my shadow?) and I can begin to integrate into my one, true self now that I'm no longer burdened by his shadow?; leaving his shadow behind? One thing I'm starting to realize is that the shadow is a reflection of who you are. I don't think that the shadow has a set trait whether positive or negative. I think shadow work is taking the negative aspects of your shadow and working through them in order to redirect it to achieve a greater benefit or purpose for ones self. I wonder...
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