I've been doing a lot of processing since Jay's mom passed away. Her and I had a very special bond. We went through a lot together. Losing her just about took me out physically and mentally. I literally felt like my heart was breaking, like, I had literal chest pains. I've missed her greatly since she has passed but to be honest, we lost her a while ago, like, back when she first had the stroke in the end of October last year. I just believe that God was just buying us some more time to say our good-byes. She is one hell of a strong women because she had battled so many things before in her life, but this fight was just a little too big for her. I've been going through a lot of heartbreak and anger over her loss. There are still many things I wonder that I most likely will never get the answers to. I miss her every day and will continue to miss her every day - the pain I feel over losing her will never go away. The only thing that seems to help me cope is observing things that feel like signs that she is with me...at least that is what I believe...
The Monday before she passed away, Jay's dad called us and told us that the two weeks the hospice nurse thought she had turned into more like three days. From that Tuesday on, Jason and I started taking time out of work to be with her. For the first time in a while, I didn't care about our jobs. I just knew that we needed to be there for our mom. I sat by her bedside all three days until she passed away. I remember the day before she passed, Jay's dad had one of her hands and I had the other. The hospice nurse asked if she could squeeze our hands and she squeezed so tightly - I was actually surprised how tightly she squeezed considering how weak she was...then the next day, nothing. I couldn't even get her to open her eyes. I kept an eye on her oxygen level - it was around 53...
I sang for her; I reminded her of what a good mother she was and that it was okay to leave us - that we'd all be okay. I knew this was not the kind of life that she would want to live, and I didn't want her to suffer - none of us wanted that for her. Truth was, she was never going to get better. She was lucky to have survived as long as she did.
I told Jason's dad before we left that Thursday to make sure he opened a window in the living room (that's where her hospital bed was) to let her spirit out - she always believed that and wanted us to do that for her when that day came. When we left that day, there were a few cardinal birds around the house. I just knew it wasn't going to be long. About four hours later we got a call from Jay's dad saying she had passed. Planning and attending her services was so incredibly hard. I was sad when my grandfather passed but I was still too young to understand a lot of things. Being older and especially everything his mom taught me and helped me through, it really broke me.
When we went up to Rhode Island for her services, we seen some cardinals. When we returned back home, my rose bush in front of the house was in full bloom. I've been opening the bedroom window - it's my way of letting her come visit with me and in saying that I've seen quite a few cardinals in the backyard over the past week. The beginning of last week, I had some prescriptions to pick up at the pharmacy and went to go pick them up. As I was driving there, a cardinal flew in front of my car and bounced off of it. I was in total and complete shock. I don't know if the damn thing is okay, but it definitely shocked me, a cardinal, nonetheless.
There was a day where I wasn't feeling well. I had a killer migraine and got super emotional, missing her something extra because when I didn't feel well, I could call her and she would make me feel so much better. I wrote a post about it on Facebook and then I shit you not, a cardinal flew right past the bedroom window. I couldn't believe it. Today, Jason was out cutting the grass and showed me this flower that was growing behind the retaining wall in front of our house. Just one, single flower. A DAISY - Jay's mom's favorite flower and in his favorite color too!
Post a Comment