It's been an exhausting week so far. Yesterday we found out that we will have to work Saturday and probably so for the next couple of weekends. I had to wake up early just about every day this week to do something before work and I'm just completely exhausted. Then I found out last night that Jason's schedule will be 2-10:30 and mine will be 4-12:30 which has us 2 hours apart in work schedule now. While it doesn't seem like much of a difference, it certainly will be, especially when we have to work over our normal scheduled time to full-fill production quota. Our availability is going to be tough in terms of having time for others and it's something that is making me feel extremely guilty. I'm having to plan therapy and other doctors' appointments around these kinds of schedules, making sure I'm getting adequate sleep and being able to take care of my medical issues both outside and inside of work. I can't just get up and go all the time like a normal, healthy person - more often than not, I have to work around how I'm feeling because I don't want to make my medical situations worse and not be able to work altogether.
I'm trying to figure out how to balance it all and the truth is, I'm only one person. I can only do what I'm able to do and unfortunately, people are inevitably going to feel let down by me. I don't know how to NOT let that make me feel like a shitty person. It bothers me immensely when people say things like, "Well, that's not how I was raised...we did what we had to do to be there for family..." or people just making us feel bad in general because we can't offer them the same that they might be able to offer us. If I hate anything, it's when people make me feel bad for what I'm not able to do. I used to be a "yessir" so much so that it caused me to neglect my physical and mental health to the point that it landed me in a downward spiral.
Like, Jason and I were supposed to go over dad's house this weekend and clean out some of Jason's things that they had been storing for him since they relocated down here so that they would have more room in their garage in case they can make a ramp work for mom when she comes home. I was going to wake up and go grocery shopping then we were going to go over his house and start going through things and maybe spend half the day there. Then we found out that we have to work Saturday now which Jason leaves for work around 11:30 a.m to be there for 2pm with how the parking lot is. I get off at 11pm and don't get home until 11:30pm which doesn't give me much time before I have to go to bed - supposing I got 8 hours of sleep (which I have to be extremely alert for my job), figuring I lay down by 2 a.m, lands me waking up at 10 a.m - I'd have to get my grocery shopping done before I went into work and that leaves us no time before we have to be into work. We need Sunday to clean, do laundry and rest before we do it all again for another 6 days.
I'm going to be starting a new therapy technique with my therapist the week after next that is going to take a lot of dedication and emotions out of me on top of having to go to work through it all. It's absolutely necessary for me to do this technique because it aids me in reprocessing my trauma so that I can move on from it if I have any repressed thoughts, feelings or grudges about it. I can barely help myself, let alone have children and now I have to feel guilty that I can't help others every single time they need it. It's not like I can't help others at all - I just can only do it when I'm able to...
The positives of this week:
Overtime (though it's going to probably kill me) = more $$
I got my vacation form approved for May!
P.S: I was so incredibly tired and irritable yesterday that I cried on my way to work. I'm trying to learn how to counter these episodes but damn...is it hard...
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