I'm not feeling too well today - I have an irritating headache that I just can't seem to get rid of. I've tried drinking water, I took two of my Tramadol today, I tried laying down and taking a nap, I tried eating something...I've tried it ALL today. I even took my blood pressure because usually a headache for me is associated with high blood pressure and my reading was actually pretty damn good. Perhaps it's just a tension migraine...
Friday was a very bad day for us. Jason decided to take the day off because he just needed some rest. We went and got some Chinese food and while we were waiting on our food, I decided to call dad. While I was on the phone with him, he told me that he spoke to one of the staff in administration today and she mentioned that she doesn't think that mom will ever be able to walk. I became visibly upset and got real quiet with dad because we were out in public and I was trying not to make a scene. I told Jason briefly what dad told me. Once we got our food and got into the car, the tears just strolled down my face uncontrollably as I was trying to drive us home. Once parked in the driveway, we just sat there for a few minutes in complete silence and then I completely lost it, beating the shit out of my staring wheel. I finally mustered up the strength to get out of the car and into the house, a few times almost collapsing to the floor. We took this as they didn't think mom was ever going to get better and that this was going to be her baseline.
I screamed and cried erratically for about an hour. At one point, Jason was turned away from me near our coffee station in the dining room and I grabbed his arm and he just latched onto me and bawled his eyes out uncontrollably for a few minutes. We have been together 12 years, and this is the first time I've ever seen him cry, EVER. I just consoled him and reassured him that I'll always be there for him no matter what. We spent the day in bed, cuddled and just talked about things, watched T.V, etc. We were a little pissed off that someone in "administration" especially, called dad and reported that kind of news. That was completely out of line and unprofessional on their part. I told Jason that I wanted him to stay home the next day as well so that we could go see mom and figure out what the hell was truly the case.
I told dad that we should take mom up some clothes in case they want to get her dressed as part of her occupational therapy. He allowed me to pick out some clothes for her to take up to her. I bought her a beautiful fuzzy pink and white blanket because it's getting colder out as well as a pair of sock slippers that are purple and have gold stripes on them - they have little gel grips at the bottom, so she won't slip. It was funny because when I told mom that I had to write on her clothes, the look she gave me was unbelievable. I told her that I had to write her name on what I brought to her because I didn't want it to get lost. I found her things that I and other people had given her in the hospital, and I set them out on her table so she could see them. I found her hair tie that she had in her hair the day she went to the hospital at the bottom of the bag, and I've been wearing it around my wrist ever since - I cherish small sentimental things like that - helps me cope. Even though it's just a hair tie, it's her hair tie - that makes me feel like a part of her is with me.
Her blood pressure was excessively high Saturday when we seen her but thankfully the staff were able to get it under control. I followed up with the nursing staff to make sure that she had follow up appointments scheduled with her doctors to make sure everything was still stable. I asked her if she could communicate with her respiratory doctor and find out if and when the trach could either come out or be replaced with a trach that she can talk with because she is definitely trying to verbally communicate, and we want her to be able to improve on her communication as soon as possible. We are supposed to have a family meeting soon to meet with her team so they can go over what they are going to work on with her and what the individualized timeline and goals for her should look like. They allowed us to see the therapy room and we got a chance to speak with both the nurse and one of the physical therapists which helped us a lot because they reassured us of a lot of concerns that we had about her in relation to progress and insurance. She still has a fighting chance to improve significantly, we just still don't know to what extent. We are giving her all the positive reinforcement that we can, and we will continue to fight right alongside her.
Sunday, Jason and I went to the store to pick up a few things, got lunch then came back to the house and did a few household chores. Other than that, we just rested.
There's my murder muffin, Isabelle. I trimmed all the cat's nails yesterday too. I was only able to trim Cali's front nails and she even gave me a hard time about that - but at least I got the important ones!'
Today I had to sought some business with my loan servicer for my car because they have me 17 daysish past due on payments on my 2020 Honda Civic that I traded into the Honda dealer last month. Apparently, they received and cashed the check on the 2nd of this month but accidentally applied it to the wrong account. What a mess - but we finally got it settled after a two weeklong battle.
I also met with the therapist again this morning. I think I'm just about done unloading my life story on her. We talked a lot about my issues with my anxiety and how I look way too far into the future and worry imminently about things that I don't need to worry about right now. I think between my anxiety and my co-dependency, it bogs down my ability to get on with a proper adult life. I do okay some days, but I have more unsatisfactory days than I'd like to admit. I expressed to her how much I'm struggling with mom being sick and that even though she is Jay's mom - I consider her just as much of a mom to me as she is to her son's. She means the absolute world to me. We went over what my goals were, and she suggested that I maybe revisit trying to start small and break my goals into smaller strides in order to reach the bigger picture. I told her that I've struggled with this before but I'm willing to try again, the difference being that I'm actually in therapy getting help if I fail this time so we can always reroute the plan if it doesn't work.
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that Thursday, I broke down while making dinner. My break downs as I've mentioned are random at times and sometimes have no rhyme or reason. I was feeling a certain way lately about some issues that I was having with my best-friend and decided to address them later that night. Though it took me some doing and getting out of my comfort zone, I finally was able to send her a message to let her know how I felt. I'm not going to get into the details of what my issues were because I won't blast my best-friend like that but to say the least, I'm glad I did it because we were able to clear the air cordially.
Coming back home from dad's house having dropped him off from going to the rehab center with us, I received an e-mail from the gentlemen that we rented the condo from at Myrtle Beach this year. He wanted to see if we were possibly interested in booking around the same time next year at about $600 less than we paid last year for the same amount of time. I told Jason I was unsure because of what was going on with mom, but he reassured me that life was too short to worry like that and that we can't live our lives like that, so we booked it. The guy doesn't even want a down payment. He said he just wants the full payment 2 months prior to us staying. It's just going to be us this time because him and I just need to get away. I'm excited - we booked from May 13th-20th. My birthday week was taken already unfortunately but that's okay - it's all the same to me after thirty something years! LOL!
I'm also excited because in just about a little over a week, I have a tattoo appointment! Tattoo pain is therapeutic to me and it's been long overdue!
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