My whole life I've been going through things that have caused me to lose myself. I never really knew the definition of self-control. Being sheltered as a child and others making all my decisions for me, then when I turned old enough to make them on my own, I spiraled out of control. In the process, fragments of me just floating around, creating this glitched out version of a being (me). Most of the time, I feel artificial. I'm not sure I've ever experienced my true sense of self...
Just when I think I've figured it all out, I find myself yet again back at the drawing board - trying to figure out who I am. This past year, after having lost Jay's mom, I've let my health go down the shitter. My eating habits are atrocious and I haven't been taking care of myself like I should in general. I don't really want to be around anyone, so I guess self-isolating is a thing for me right now. The only credit I can really give myself right now is that I'm somewhat keeping up with my adult duties - dishes, cooking, bills, grocery shopping, laundry, changing bedding. I guess I should be proud of that at least. I want to do better; I want to be better for me. I've been going through a lot lately. My health hasn't been the best. I've had toenail surgery after toenail surgery which I'm still not done with. I still have to schedule my pap smear. The fur babies need appointments made for them. I think the whole "therapy" thing is a pipe dream. The reason I say that is because I struggled for so many years to find a proper therapist. I finally found one that worked for me and my new jobs insurance doesn't cover her. I've learned a lot of valuable lessons from her that I can continue to utilize, but I still feel that she had so much more to teach me.
Lately, I've just been allowing myself to slip into this void, like, I'm just running on autopilot. I feel overwhelmed. Like, I've been the glue, holding up everything and everyone else around me, but the reality is, I don't even have my own shit together. I feel like I'm working for everyone else but myself. I'm not really sure how to fully communicate this in its entirety - there are still a lot of things I'm confused on. I've always sucked at being a person. I try my best, but my best isn't good enough for me. I'm not happy. I have a vision in my head of what I kind of what I want out of life and for myself, but attempting to successfully achieve it has been almost impossible for me. Hopefully my supervisor will approve my time off in October as I would like that time to do some self-reflecting and work on myself.
I'm not sure if I'm making any sense but I feel like it's something I just had to get off my chest. I think I may start reading self-help books and/or podcasts to replace therapy and just try my best to self-doctor through these issues I've been having.
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