Dad,
This is where my journey with you ends. I really don't want to sit here and write a big, lengthy post about the past, my feelings and/or thoughts as it pertains to our relationship. Plain and simple, I've spent enough time suffering from trauma and turmoil. There's nothing you can do to hurt me anymore, so there is literally no point in sitting here wallowing in self-pity. I'm free now. Though I'm still working out some internal kinks, I forgive you. I'm not going to put myself through the unnecessary of trying to dissect and pick apart the past and wonder why. There will always be questions that I will never have answered, and I've come to terms with that. After all these years (virtually my whole life), I deserve to heal and to discover who I am for what is the very first time. I've never had a chance to meet the real me, let alone know the real me. It's a complete and utter waste of time to worry about the past because it can't be changed. Life is already short enough as it is. I've let the darkness of what was consume me for far too long. I know you have suffered greatly yourself and struggled with many things in your life, but I assure you, you were not alone in that. I won't sit here and keep score of who had it worse because that's something that you will have taken to the grave with you, and I think that may be punishment enough. You have plenty that you need to answer for. Do yourself a favor and let go. Let it all go.
I'm still here and I deserve a chance. A chance to be happy. A chance to find the real me. A chance to love and be loved. A chance to release the demons I've been harboring all these years. A chance to heal the very broken person I once was and to turn all this bitterness into something beautiful. In my heart, I want to learn how to trust again, love myself and others, pass no judgements, be kinder, more patient with myself and with others; minimize anger, anxiety, frustration, negativity, sadness - pretty much anything that no longer serves me for the greater good. I want to focus on myself for a while. I deserve to. And when I feel like I have reached a reasonable position in my life and I'm able to, I want to give back and pay it forward because in my heart, that's apart of who I believe I truly am. So, I'm choosing to take all of this and change my future for the better, one day at a time. I've always been a firm believer that age is not was matures you, it's not something that makes you wiser - your life experiences, what you take from those experiences and your will to reflect and make the necessary changes in order to be the best version of yourself is what matures you. Nothing in life that you encounter guarantees growth, maturity or a spot for you up in heaven to enteral life, no matter the complexity or severity of those encounters. All we can do is the best that we can with the life we were given, accept the lord into our heart and lives as our savior and continue to strengthen our relationship with him every single day. He's the only one that we have to prove ourselves to. This process is never ending. It's something you continue to do throughout your entire life. You never stop learning and going through trials and tribulations. This body that we are in was only given to us so that we could find our purpose and carry that purpose out until our job here on earth is done.
Some of us were sent here to teach other's a lesson, whether good or bad. God gave us free-will when he created us and while none of us are free from sin, he put us here as an ultimate test. He wanted to see what we would do with this life we were so graciously given. He didn't expect us to be perfect. He didn't expect us to make mistakes and maintain a life completely free of sin, but rather, wanted to see what we would do with what he threw at us in life. We all were given different challenges and with that, different levels of complexity and severity of those challenges, some more difficult than others. One thing I know about our God is that he doesn't turn his back on us, no matter what - even when we ourselves turn our back on him and we were all put here for a different purpose from each other. Some of us are here longer than others and that's because God is the only one to decide when it's our time to leave this life whether it be because our job here is done or for other reasons in which God only knows.
Personally, my journey with God is very unconventional from most. I chose a different path in my relationship with God. I don't put a label on my relationship with him (Catholic, Christian, etc...) and I don't go to "church" because to me, that's all artificial. Just because you give yourself a label and go to church doesn't mean anything. I take from all different sources of information, beliefs, aspects, perspectives, whatever have you and I follow my own path to God based off the purity of what my heart tells me to do. Like when doctors tell you to "listen to your body, it will let you know...", I also believe the same with our brain and our heart. I believe that all the truths to life are stored right in our very own bodies through the brain, heart and the blood of Christ that flows through our veins. God knew exactly what he was doing when he created us. So, we don't have to look no further than right within our very selves for the answers that we seek. The judgements of others are not what we should fear. The judgement of God should be our ultimate fear for he is the only judge. I think we all fear time and time again if we are passing the test that God has given us and in that, we won't truly know until we our body is laid to rest, our soul is given back to God and judgement day arrives. Like I previously mentioned, all we can do is walk beside Christ in our daily lives and do the best that we can until that day arrives. Though we won't truly know until that day arrives, I believe spiritually, that God will always let you know if you're on the right path and when you fall off that path, I also believe God will guide you back where you belong if you so choose to accept his guidance.
Those are my beliefs and I see no need to get theatrical with them or push them onto others. Some will read this and form their own opinions and judgements, but only those of God's are what truly matter - all else should be disregarded. Those who truly matter while we are here will accept you for who you are despite their own devices, beliefs or opinions and no one can make you feel inferior without your permission. Between me and my relationship with God, I know my intentions are pure. He and I both know my level of passion, compassion, humbleness and all the above. None of us a perfect, including myself. Speaking for myself, I know there is a lot of work that needs to be done both internally and externally - so in all actuality, I'm working on two journey's - the one with God and the one within myself. There is God's will and then there is my will. He knows that I will still fall off from time to time, but I know and believe in my heart through his never-ending love and mercy, our journey as well as my own journey will sync up as one in the end.
With all of that said, I leave you with this. I hope in my heart that you did make it to heaven and if it's God's will, you will have made it there, maybe reincarnation will be a thing for you - who knows other than God himself. No matter what the case may be for you from this point on, the advice and guidance from me (your daughter) is no longer within my duties - it ceased to exist from the point of your passing. May your body and soul rest in peace. I love you unconditionally, dad. Thank you for trying to be the best dad you could be considering everything...oh and happy Father's Day, dad.
Here's a broken father's prayer I found to share with you:
Heavenly Father, please heal the heart of every hurting father who reads this blog post today. Father’s Day reminded them of their painful losses, of what they don’t have anymore. Their children’s choices, behaviors, and issues changed everything. They’re crushed. Broken.
These dads were their son’s first hero. Their daughter’s first love.
Pride keeps them from being honest about their feelings with themselves or anyone else. They’ve got to be strong, hold everything together. Not wanting to look weak, they say they’re “fine” when asked. They work hard to pretend they’re okay, when the truth is they feel dead inside. But no one knows. No one but You, Lord. Help them forgive themselves for not being perfect. Remind them no one is. Convince them this is true. They feel responsible. Guilty. Angry. After all, they were the dad. They thought their job was to make sure their son or daughter grew up to fulfill their dreams, to have an amazing life. But those hopes have been dashed. They’re broken. Gone. They’re lost to addiction, mental illness, and a host of other issues. They’re frustrated to be powerless, unable to fix the problem. Weren’t they supposed to be able to solve anything? The hurt from all that’s lost is more than he can bear.
These dads grieve deeply. Their losses feel the same as a death. God, please comfort their hearts over not being able to protect their daughter, over not being able to keep their son safe. All they wanted was to keep the bad away. To make everything okay again.
They tried with all their might. They gave their best. They loved well, but they couldn’t do it.
Teach fathers everywhere how to surrender. Show them the way to detach with love and release their child to Your care.
Renew their hope. Rebuild their lives. Strengthen their faith to trust You, the father of all mankind.
Show Yourself as a wonderful Counselor, gentle Shepherd, and Prince of Peace.
Pour down healing oil. Give them beauty for ashes, strength for fear, gladness for mourning, and peace for despair. (Isaiah 61:3 NIV)
Peace. For. despair.
In the beautiful, healing name of Jesus, I offer this prayer for every hurting dad.
Amen.
Note: Take what you will from this prayer, but it can be seen in two different aspects.
Your daughter,
Tinisha
