I'm sitting here saying to myself in my head "here we go again..." in a Grey's Anatomy style internal dialect. Anyone who has seen Grey's Anatomy knows exactly what I'm talking about - that kind of first-person narration where you can hear their thoughts? Yeah...that one. I tend to find myself doing that whenever I blog. It helps me paint a picture of my words for my posts and helps me improve on constructing my thoughts and adding real value to my content rather than just posting a bunch of redundancy. Listen, don't get me wrong - I still need work in that department...I get it.
It's just...this feels like the ten millionth time that I have attempted to maintain a blog. I've surprised myself quite a few times at how consistently I blogged for a while but eventually, it all ended with the same result - abandoned and forgotten about. It's not that I don't like blogging because in all honesty, I absolutely love the idea of having a creative little corner of the internet that I have as my own...almost like a little secret hangout that I can come to keep record of how my life unfolds with the good, the bad and the ugly - where I can come to reflect on my progress or the lack thereof. It's actually bothered me immensely that I haven't be able to manage it. With that said, I have taken a lot of time to reflect on this perplexing issue and I believe that I have figured out why that is.
I struggle with a lot of things in my life that you will learn more about as time goes on with the more that I write here but the one particular thing that's relevant here is that I have struggled with elements such as my identity and personality. I've struggled my whole life and still to this day with who I am as a person and the inability to find myself. One of the behaviors that I would find myself having is that I often felt tense about what I wanted to write - not because I had "writers block" but because I feared that if anyone I knew personally came across my blog, they would have issues with the things that I have written. I've had and still have issues with a lot of people in my life and I feel like if these particular people came across my blog and read something that I wrote about them on how I personally feel about them, it would do nothing but create more animosity and drama in my life. Does that make sense?
I'm the type of person that yearns to be one hundred percent authentic and I find that extremely challenging in the kind of society that we live in today. We live in a society of over-dramatic, overly sensitive, nit-picky, always-have-to-be politically correct about everything PEOPLE. I have to put the emphasis on the word people there because by description, I almost forget that someone like that could even exist or be consider a human being. It's disgusting to me that we as "human beings" spend more time on trivial things. That it's more important to people to read into people's feelings and opinions so much that they dissect every fiber of their being and feel the need to use it against them in order to destroy them. That status is that important to people that they feel the need to make everyone else around them feel microscopic. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but none of that matters on judgement day and it certainly doesn't matter when they place you in that box too bury you ten feet under...
Moving on, I have given this dilemma of mine a lot of thought. After much thought and consideration, I have decided that it's far more beneficial for me to blog as I see fit than spare the feelings of others. I've learned early on in life that you can't control the actions, opinions, thoughts and feelings of others but you can certainly control your own. It seems that no matter what you say these days anyways, you're always bound to upset someone, somewhere. So, I have decided to blog to my little heart's desire. That being said, if I feel uncomfortable expressing how I feel about a particular person and/or situation and I feel the need to be specific about it, I will create a private sub-category post under the public blog post that is relevant to the topic of what I'm posting about. Do I care what others think and that's why I'm choosing to keep those elements private? Absolutely NOT!
The purpose of doing this is to still be able to record my feelings without restriction all while keeping drama out of my life or rather, to keep it to a bare minimum. You ever hear that saying that goes, "It's none of my business what other people think about me?" Well, there you go - it's no one's business what I think about other people either! I'm not obligated to express it publicly. In doing this, I feel like it would give me the best of both worlds and allow me not to feel choked when I write. Don't get me wrong, there will definitely be things I write about that I'm sure people still won't agree with or like that I will feel comfortable sharing but again, this is my page so unfortunately for those people, my blog is not to appease those of others - it's here for me and me only.
I will post as often or as little as I like and post whatever I want. I don't care to conform with the big-time bloggers. I find it refreshing to stay relatable to the masses on an average everyday life scale. There are a few bloggers who I followed from the very start of their blogging career and while I'm glad they were able to take it where they wanted to, I find myself no longer following them due to loss of interest. I wouldn't go as far as to say they've become "fake", but I appreciated reading more when they wrote about their lives on an average everyday scale. It's like they went from average to high class and that's just something I can no longer relate to.
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