2023 Honda HR-V - I didn't mention this Friday because I had much more important blog posts that I needed to focus on, but my 2023 Honda HR-V finally came in! My father-in-law came with me to get the car because Jason was at work. I figured it would do dad some good to get out of the house and it was a common interest we could do together. I bought some black Plasti Dip over the weekend and dipped my emblems in black because the car is 99% red and black and I just felt that black emblems were more appropriate for a sport edition car that was mostly red and black. It's been a project - that's for sure. It was my first time ever using spray paint - I had to redo the HR-V on the back because it came out shitty the first time and the back Honda emblem has to be redone for a third time because it just doesn't want to do right - you have to have a lot of patience for that shit. I still haven't got around to redoing the back Honda emblem - I needed a break because it's frustrating.
Here's the front of the car:
Dunkin' Cookie Butter Cold Brew - This.
That's all I have to say. Run, don't walk to Dunkin' and try this. You WON'T regret it. I fell in absolute love with this cold brew - so sad that it's seasonal only.
Holiday's Postponed Until Further Notice - We will not be celebrating holidays until further notice until mom is better to celebrate them with us. She is the heart of our traditions. Jay, dad and I are going up to the hospital on Thanksgiving to see mom then the three of us are going out to a Chinese buffet.
Things I've Been Doing Since Last Blog Post - Cooking, basic cleaning, resting, and reflecting. The past couple of days, I haven't been able to manage an afternoon nap and it's making me cranky. After I finish this blog post, I may lay down for just a bit until Jay gets home.
Reflections on Self Care - My acne has been acting up on and off, I've gained roughly about 10 pounds back and my stress levels are through the roof. I have put my self care on the back burner and it's slowly starting to get to me. I haven't even had the motivation to shower in a few days - don't judge because I know you have ALL been there one time or another.
I had to purchase a new medication reminder pill box because I can't seem to find the 2 or 3 that I have laying around somewhere because I've been shit at remembering to take my medications and you especially don't want to forget blood pressure medication. I've had plenty of days where I pick up the prescription bottle and ask myself, "Did I already take this today?" and then just don't take it because while it's bad not to take it, it's definitely not good to double dose on blood pressure meds. I rather my blood pressure be elevated than be passed out somewhere with no blood pressure at all.
Intermittent Binge Eating - I've been intermittently stress binge eating. I hate that I do it and I try not to but sometimes fail. I hate the guilt that follows a binge eating episode which is why I try to counter it with vaping but when I give up vaping, I will no longer have a crutch for my binge eating.
Intermittent Bouts of Anger and Sadness - I'm excessively having bouts of anger and sadness. I'm taking a lot of things to heart right now and having trouble processing why it seems like people who I feel should be there for me aren't and certain things people are saying are highly upsetting me - I'm disappointed and heartbroken over it. I have random crying episodes over what is going on with mom. She's been doing much, much better but before this all happened to her, I spoke to her virtually almost every day, sometimes 2-3 times a day. I've never gone this long without being able to talk to her - she is one of the few people that understands me and I feel so completely lost without her. There are people checking on me from time to time but there are also people who I expected to be there for me, and they haven't. My grandmother has been there for me the most besides Jay. I cherish the both of them so much, they are always there for me unconditionally, no matter the day or time.
My Doctor has Become my Lifeline - I contacted my doctor today because while the time off from work is doing wonders for me and I've been able to make some progress (when no one is fucking it up by pissing me off), I still have bouts of panic and it's stressing my body out - I can feel it, so I asked him what I should do. He wants me to start my Trintellix back up and if I need to during the day, I can break my Ativan in half and take it if I get to feeling that way then save the other half for bedtime. If I don't need to use a half during the day, I can just take my whole Ativan at bedtime. He's really helped me through a lot of shit in the past month and I'm so incredibly grateful for that.
Coming up with a Plan - I've been doing a lot of self-reflecting lately. I've decided to give virtual therapy a try and meet with a therapist based out of Greenville on Monday at noon. My insurance allows three free, forty-five-minute sessions so what do I have to lose by trying? I'm going to slowly get back into my skin and hair care routine, get back to a healthier eating routine, and map out of a plan to clean and organize my house. I want to spend so more quality time with Jay as well as get back into reading some self-help books. I have hopes that I can keep up with my blog - I believe that it would be a really positive thing for me to maintain this space. I also want to devise a going-back-to-work plan so that I can maintain the positive routines that I want to continue to practice in order to maintain my mental and physical well-being. I'm also keeping an agenda - I purchase one to keep important notes and dates in because my memory has been shit lately.
Updates on mom - I called and spoke to the nurse today and they said she is much more alert today and responding well to commands - physical therapy has been working with her more and more. All positive things lately which is excellent! God is working closely with her, and I feel like he is working a miracle with her. I've been praying nonstop since this happened to her. I miss her so fucking much and I want nothing more on this God's green earth than for her just to get better. Sunday when Jay and I went to go see her, she was the most alert that we have ever seen her since this happened to her. She can't talk-talk but if you really listen, you can hear her whisper words through her trach that she says when she tries to talk. I asked her again if she wanted to fight this and she said, "Oh yeah". I told her that I'm glad she does because we still need her. She responded, "I know". As soon as I left her room, I cried tears of joy and had on and off bouts of crying on the way home.
I showed her the pictures of her husband and sons that I had made up for her as well as the gifts that I and others have gotten for her. I read her the card that I got for her and showed her everyone who had signed it. Before she got critically ill, she had made comments to me about not being able to get out to see the Fall foliage, so I took some pictures of some really pretty trees nearby so she could see when she woke up. I finally got to show her Sunday and her eyes widened and she whispered, "Oh wow!" I was so incredibly thankful for this day with her and the progress she has made. I'm so fucking proud of her! It's been so hard on me because I'm so close with her and talk to her every day for the most part - it being over a month since I've been able to has just completely killed me inside. She'd get on my nerves from time to time but right now, I'd do anything for her to get on my nerves...I miss her so very much...
Side Notes:
I finally watched 'Where the Crawdad's Sing' on Netflix. It was excellent! I've always heard that the book was really good too, but I've seen a post on Facebook where people who have both read the book and seen the movie said the movie was better. I really enjoyed it.
Yesterday when I was having another go at redoing my car emblems, this little girl came around - she's been a stray in our neighborhood since we moved here - she use to come around with Cali. Cali is the cat that we took in when she had an accident with a car in our neighborhood. It's getting cold out and she wants to come in but we already have three cats and a dog, and we just can't take any more in. I did give her a can of cat food though - she ate the whole can!
Lastly, I received an e-mail from Financial Aid that my application for student loan debt relief was approved and it will be applied once they settle the mess that they are having with the courts right now. I'm so grateful because I truly need the assistance.
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