Friday Catchup: Nothing too Interesting Today but Eat your Heart Out

 *Sighs*

Tuesday, we got a phone call from dad that mom and about fourteen others in the facility tested positive for Covid so because I had been feeling like complete shit, Jason and I decided to go get tested at our local urgent care.  Low and behold, Jason tested positive (even though he barely had any symptoms) and I tested negative, having had a terrible migraine the last day or so.  Make that make sense, right?  Due to having tried everything to get rid of the migraines, I gladly accepted a shot of Toradol in my ass.  That shot pretty much resolved the migraine issue and since, I've had very minimal symptoms.  Mom is on Covid lockdown for ten days which puts us at Christmas Eve before we can see her again.  Jason and I's quarantine is over on Sunday.  No one in the facility is displaying symptoms, I guess they had just tested positive when they performed a routine Covid test.  Wednesday, I got to cleaning off/out my nightstand and did some other light cleaning on my side of the bed.  However, I've been dealing with some issues with being constipated and having a gnawing pain in my right side, so I've been doing a lot of resting these past couple days.

Depending on how I feel tomorrow, I may try to work on a few more things tomorrow.  I know Jason wants to get outside at some point and clean up the yard some.  Sunday, we have to go grocery shopping and I need to pick up some medication refills at the pharmacy.  I finally ordered some body butters from a small business I found on Tiktok called 'Ashanti Collection'.  I ordered five scents: Banana Puddin', Cinnabon, Hot Apple Pie, Blueberry Pie and Gingerbread.  I received them in the mail today and of course I had to try the Banana Puddin' one first - so far, I'm impressed!  These body butters smell amazing!

No one has told Jason whether or not he had to work inventory and apparently his primary supervisor was fired yesterday, so he didn't know whether or not if he needed to call in.  We tried to call HR and ask what he should do but no one answered the phone.  He would've just called in, but he wasn't even told whether or not he had to work it, much less a time so he knew how far in advance to call in.  In all actuality, it shouldn't matter anyways because quarantine is five days, he submitted the documentation to nursing stating he tested positive, and he called in the first two days due to it being a regular schedule.  Then we find out that they are changing our work schedules at the end of January to where they are doing away with third shift, as well as they are tacking on thirty minutes to our shift because they don't want to pay us anymore for our break.  Our new work schedules will have Jason and I going in and getting off at the same time, however, we are not going to like getting off at 12:30 a.m.  He was 2-10pm and I was 3-11pm and now we will both be 4-12:30 a.m.  First and second shift will have an hour and a half shift gap between the two shifts so parking shouldn't be an issue at least.

Jason and I lowkey applied for two jobs each last night just to see what would happen - having an interview won't hurt to see what offers may or may not be there for us.

It's been getting colder, so this is how I've been spending most of my nights recently.  MIL bought me the robe and actual mom bought me the slippers; both are extremely comfortable.

My grandmother surprised me by telling me that she finally decided to go see a doctor and that she will be getting a full workup.  Thank GOD - I've been trying to talk her into getting checked out, especially because of her age.  She was against it at first but came to her senses which I'm SO grateful for because I need her around as long as possible.  I value our relationship a lot - she means the absolute world to me.  Lincoln finally got my disability straightened out too, so thank God on that as well.  I was shorted the week prior and this week, I didn't get paid at all.  Next Friday I will get back paid for what was missed though.

Jason and I went out today to pay the mortgage and then we got Wendy's for lunch.  I haven't really been hungry the rest of the day due to being bloated and gassy with my stomach.  Pretty much I just worked on the cosmetics of my blog all day - I created both my header and my footer of my blogger as well as put a cute little frame around my sidebar picture of myself.

Monday Musings: It's a Monday for Sure

I'm not feeling too well today - I have an irritating headache that I just can't seem to get rid of.  I've tried drinking water, I took two of my Tramadol today, I tried laying down and taking a nap, I tried eating something...I've tried it ALL today.  I even took my blood pressure because usually a headache for me is associated with high blood pressure and my reading was actually pretty damn good.  Perhaps it's just a tension migraine...

Friday was a very bad day for us.  Jason decided to take the day off because he just needed some rest.  We went and got some Chinese food and while we were waiting on our food, I decided to call dad.  While I was on the phone with him, he told me that he spoke to one of the staff in administration today and she mentioned that she doesn't think that mom will ever be able to walk.  I became visibly upset and got real quiet with dad because we were out in public and I was trying not to make a scene.  I told Jason briefly what dad told me.  Once we got our food and got into the car, the tears just strolled down my face uncontrollably as I was trying to drive us home.  Once parked in the driveway, we just sat there for a few minutes in complete silence and then I completely lost it, beating the shit out of my staring wheel.  I finally mustered up the strength to get out of the car and into the house, a few times almost collapsing to the floor.  We took this as they didn't think mom was ever going to get better and that this was going to be her baseline.

I screamed and cried erratically for about an hour.  At one point, Jason was turned away from me near our coffee station in the dining room and I grabbed his arm and he just latched onto me and bawled his eyes out uncontrollably for a few minutes.  We have been together 12 years, and this is the first time I've ever seen him cry, EVER.  I just consoled him and reassured him that I'll always be there for him no matter what.  We spent the day in bed, cuddled and just talked about things, watched T.V, etc.  We were a little pissed off that someone in "administration" especially, called dad and reported that kind of news.  That was completely out of line and unprofessional on their part.  I told Jason that I wanted him to stay home the next day as well so that we could go see mom and figure out what the hell was truly the case.

I told dad that we should take mom up some clothes in case they want to get her dressed as part of her occupational therapy.  He allowed me to pick out some clothes for her to take up to her.  I bought her a beautiful fuzzy pink and white blanket because it's getting colder out as well as a pair of sock slippers that are purple and have gold stripes on them - they have little gel grips at the bottom, so she won't slip.  It was funny because when I told mom that I had to write on her clothes, the look she gave me was unbelievable.  I told her that I had to write her name on what I brought to her because I didn't want it to get lost.  I found her things that I and other people had given her in the hospital, and I set them out on her table so she could see them.  I found her hair tie that she had in her hair the day she went to the hospital at the bottom of the bag, and I've been wearing it around my wrist ever since - I cherish small sentimental things like that - helps me cope.  Even though it's just a hair tie, it's her hair tie - that makes me feel like a part of her is with me.

Her blood pressure was excessively high Saturday when we seen her but thankfully the staff were able to get it under control.  I followed up with the nursing staff to make sure that she had follow up appointments scheduled with her doctors to make sure everything was still stable.  I asked her if she could communicate with her respiratory doctor and find out if and when the trach could either come out or be replaced with a trach that she can talk with because she is definitely trying to verbally communicate, and we want her to be able to improve on her communication as soon as possible.  We are supposed to have a family meeting soon to meet with her team so they can go over what they are going to work on with her and what the individualized timeline and goals for her should look like.  They allowed us to see the therapy room and we got a chance to speak with both the nurse and one of the physical therapists which helped us a lot because they reassured us of a lot of concerns that we had about her in relation to progress and insurance.  She still has a fighting chance to improve significantly, we just still don't know to what extent.  We are giving her all the positive reinforcement that we can, and we will continue to fight right alongside her.

Sunday, Jason and I went to the store to pick up a few things, got lunch then came back to the house and did a few household chores.  Other than that, we just rested.  

There's my murder muffin, Isabelle.  I trimmed all the cat's nails yesterday too.  I was only able to trim Cali's front nails and she even gave me a hard time about that - but at least I got the important ones!'

Today I had to sought some business with my loan servicer for my car because they have me 17 daysish past due on payments on my 2020 Honda Civic that I traded into the Honda dealer last month.  Apparently, they received and cashed the check on the 2nd of this month but accidentally applied it to the wrong account.  What a mess - but we finally got it settled after a two weeklong battle.

I also met with the therapist again this morning.  I think I'm just about done unloading my life story on her.  We talked a lot about my issues with my anxiety and how I look way too far into the future and worry imminently about things that I don't need to worry about right now.  I think between my anxiety and my co-dependency, it bogs down my ability to get on with a proper adult life.  I do okay some days, but I have more unsatisfactory days than I'd like to admit.  I expressed to her how much I'm struggling with mom being sick and that even though she is Jay's mom - I consider her just as much of a mom to me as she is to her son's.  She means the absolute world to me.  We went over what my goals were, and she suggested that I maybe revisit trying to start small and break my goals into smaller strides in order to reach the bigger picture.  I told her that I've struggled with this before but I'm willing to try again, the difference being that I'm actually in therapy getting help if I fail this time so we can always reroute the plan if it doesn't work.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that Thursday, I broke down while making dinner.  My break downs as I've mentioned are random at times and sometimes have no rhyme or reason.  I was feeling a certain way lately about some issues that I was having with my best-friend and decided to address them later that night.  Though it took me some doing and getting out of my comfort zone, I finally was able to send her a message to let her know how I felt.  I'm not going to get into the details of what my issues were because I won't blast my best-friend like that but to say the least, I'm glad I did it because we were able to clear the air cordially.

Coming back home from dad's house having dropped him off from going to the rehab center with us, I received an e-mail from the gentlemen that we rented the condo from at Myrtle Beach this year.  He wanted to see if we were possibly interested in booking around the same time next year at about $600 less than we paid last year for the same amount of time.  I told Jason I was unsure because of what was going on with mom, but he reassured me that life was too short to worry like that and that we can't live our lives like that, so we booked it.  The guy doesn't even want a down payment.  He said he just wants the full payment 2 months prior to us staying.  It's just going to be us this time because him and I just need to get away.  I'm excited - we booked from May 13th-20th.  My birthday week was taken already unfortunately but that's okay - it's all the same to me after thirty something years! LOL!

I'm also excited because in just about a little over a week, I have a tattoo appointment!  Tattoo pain is therapeutic to me and it's been long overdue!

My Serotonin Done Took a Hiatus

Well, we never got to have that meeting at the hospital on Tuesday.  Dad got a call that they were moving her come hell over high water.  Though we read some really shitty reviews on this place and didn't want her to go there, we went in with an open mind anyways - what choice did we really have?  Mom was moved around noon time on Monday to the post-acute "rehab" facility.  We gave her a day to get settled in (I had my first therapy appointment on Monday anyway) and we went up to see her on Tuesday.  We were not impressed with the facility itself, but the staff seem exceptionally great so far - from what we can tell, they sound like they are going to come up with a good plan for her.  Also, UNBELIVABLE difference in her from the hospital to the rehab center.  

When we went to go see her on Tuesday, she had her eyes open, she squeezed our hands, she responded to things we were asking her.  It was a wonderful visit.  There are some issues I see going on with her eyes and it concerns me.  She is able to focus her eyes in on us, but her eyes wander off in a disturbing way - I'm not really sure what to make of it.  Her team is going to develop an extensive individualized plan for her and then meet with us about it.  They even will allow me to take a pet in the facility to see her - so eventually we will take Isabelle (Jason and I's first fur baby) to go see her as she is the most mellowed personality cat that we have between our three and their two that would be appropriate to have visit with her.  Like I said, we aren't happy with the appearance of the facility, but it's considerably clean and the staff seem competent and prompt with their abilities.  The goal is to get her better to come home, so this arrangement is just meant to be temporary.

Monday, I had my initial consult with the new therapist.  The area in which her office is located is not the best area, but I'm learning that you can't judge a book by its cover.  Our session was an hour and that's standard.  I provided her with an overview of my issues, she performed an anxiety assessment and I believe a PTSD assessment.  According to the results, I have severe anxiety and moderate PTSD.  We went over what my goals are and what my requirements were.  She claims she can dedicate to my case and schedule me weekly for the most part so I'm going to give it an honest try.  She's also okay with me being a long-term patient.  This happening to mom absolutely broke me to a whole other level - usually I can doctor myself and manage, but it's beyond my control at this point.  After therapy, I went to get bloodwork done for my wellness check for my insurance so I can save money - my cholesterol is high...go figure!

I made some cod this week for our dinners with egg noodles and veggies.  It came out good.  I've been having a hard week and have been staying in bed a lot so far this week...I need to find some motivation to get working on my house before I return to work January 3rd.  I've got so much organizing to do - need to get rid of shit that I don't need any more, put things away that I don't need out, etc.

Jay has to work this weekend which sucks because I was looking forward to him being home, but I guess that's life.  He may also have to work inventory after months of them saying it was only going to be team leads and supervisors.  That's what frustrates people the most is that you can never make plans outside of work because the place never knows what they are doing - it's sad and it wears people out.  Next week is his last week of work until January 3rd.

But yeah, this week's just been shit in regard to my mental health.  I know it will get better, I just need some time to stay in the bed and get some rest.  Since Jay has to work on Saturday, we will go see mom on Sunday and visit with her for a while.  I bought her a few nice things - a soft, pink fuzzy blanket to keep warm, a nice pair of purple slippers with gold lace design that are insulated and a Rudolf and his girlfriend plushie set.  I'm going to bring her the blanket and slippers on Sunday but the plushies are going to wait until she gets home.

I have to go get Jason and I's dinner prepared now.  I will post again soon. x

Weekly Reflections - It's Been A Week, Let Me Tell You

At the beginning of the week, mom got transferred to a regular room on the same floor - neuro.  Friday as I was getting back from grocery shopping, dad called and told me that they are talking about moving her to an acute rehab facility but because of a bunch of different situations going on, we're limited to where she can go.  We don't like the options that dad was given to choose from, so we are having a family meeting with the caseworker and attending that is assigned to her case this coming Tuesday so we can further discuss this.  We went to see mom today while we were up there and she's about the same - she opens her eyes but seems like she doesn't really want to.  She does have some mobility - she will move her arms, hands and legs.  She's been able to keep her temperature down which is excellent, indicating no further infections at this time.  Our goal is to get her into a facility that will be able to work with her extensively to get her to her maximum potential, whatever that may be considering the circumstances of what happened to her.  We are working together to do what is best for our mom.  I had a crying episode last night.  I couldn't even finish my dinner and started non-stop sobbing.  I started thinking about conversations mom and I have had in the past, things we have done both together and as a family and I just broke down - I miss her so incredibly much and just want her at least back to a point where we can talk and of course I want her to be okay as well...

Eventually I just took an Ativan to stop the thoughts and just went off to bed.

I was supposed to meet with therapist on Talkspace this past Monday and that didn't work out which was frustrating and caused me some anxiety.  This is the message that she sent me the DAY OF our appointment:

I mean, at least she was respectful of my time and honest with me, right?

So, I continued on my search as well as called my insurance to see what my options were.  They gave me another EAP code to use for more free visits as well as told me about an unlimited, free line I could call if I need to talk to someone - it's not meant to replace therapy but it's there if you're in the middle of an anxiety attack and just need to get shit off your chest.  I found another therapist and set up an initial consult this coming Monday - the first appointment has to be in person then you can choose to do virtual so I will just see how it goes.

Tuesday, I had an appointment with my primary care doctor, and he extended my medical leave to give me more time to deal with my stress, adjust to my medications and relax.  I go back to work after December lay off at work which is January 3rd.  He wants me to continue to spend time with family and get acclimated with a therapist.  I've also been taking the time to listen to some mental health audio books which has been helping and he also recommended that I go outside and walk around in the backyard some for some exercise, fresh air and take in some vitamin C from the sun.

Other than that, I made an ice cream dessert and I'm making cod parmesan for this week's meal.  Jay and I tried the new chicken mozzarella sandwich from Wendy's and it was pretty good.