The beginning of the week started out a little rough, especially on the day that I had therapy. I've been worried about the future of where Jason's surviving parent would go once one of them passes if the other were not able to continue to live in their current home. We are not able to take in anyone to care for them as my health has been getting worse over the years and I'm hanging onto the edge with trying to hold onto my job as it is. Monday, I went to the doctor, and he is still wanting to keep my on a controlled anxiety medication due to still having significant issues with my anxiety and he wrote me out an application to get a permanent handicap placard. I discussed with my therapist a lot on how I felt and while I will still quite overwhelmed, through talking to her, Jason and some people that I'm close with, I have determined that I can only take on what I have control over and should not let people's opinions bother me if I'm not able to do something.
My therapist reminded me that I'm only one person with my own individual issues and I have to live my life according to my needs. I'm not medically able to take care of anyone - heck, I don't even have my own children because I had to make that decision based off my mental and physical inability to be a parent. Most days I can barely take care of myself, and it's been told to me by medical professionals that it's only going to get worse as I get older. Yes, I'm still young but I didn't ask for these things to be wrong with me. I deal with a lot of grief and guilt not being able to do what I should be able to do for my age. I genuinely don't like disappointing people but unfortunately, that's life. I spent so much of my life trying to do everything I could for people and putting them before me that it's partly the reason I'm dealing with what I am today. It's not like I still won't do for people when I have the availability or means, but there will be times where I'll have to say no, and it won't be easy but it's necessary at times.
As the week went on, it got much better. We had to work Saturday, and it was just such a slow day. We had so much equipment failures and didn't run much. We have to work next weekend too unless they decide to cancel it which I doubt but one can only hope. Jay and I decided that we will start eating dinner at work to help us lose a little weight and if we get home from work and are a little hungry, we will eat a small salad. I got one more bottle of vape liquid after the one I'm currently on and then I'm going to try to quit vaping. One day at a time, I'm healing...
It's definitely not easy, but I'm getting there. I've been slowly doing more around the house and realizing that I'm on nobody's timeline to get things done and not to compare myself to others. Taking one day at a time, crossing bridges when I get to them, listening to my body, worrying less about what others think of me and just doing the best I can are all things that I'm trying to practice along with deep breathing as needed.
I'm going to finish making babe and I's dinner for work then lay down and relax for the rest of the night. Might have me an alcoholic seltzer or two to relax. I've had some other things on my mind that have been bothering me but that's neither here nor there right now. They are things that will sort themselves out over time. 😌 I'm getting better at this...one day at a time...
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