HOW LOSING MY MOTHER-IN-LAW CHANGED MY LIFE (PART 2: WORKING ON MY PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD)

This one is kind of a loaded topic as well and nothing I say here is to berate anyone else's beliefs - I'm merely just posting my personal perspective on my own personal beliefs - you don't have to agree with it or even like it for that matter.  I've been working on my personal relationship with God daily.  I appreciate the ability and opportunity to have discussions about God with people.  It's refreshing to listen to people's different perspectives on their beliefs in God - I pick and choose what I take from what others tell me and form my own individual beliefs based on what makes sense to me.

I was raised Catholic.  I now live in a Christian state.  However, I have chosen a path of non-denomination.  I don't believe in all the materialistic "practice" toward believing in and having a relationship with God.  I don't believe that you have to go to church in order to believe in and have a relationship with God.  I believe that Jesus died on the cross for our sins and he is our savior.  I believe that Jesus is the son of God.  I believe that you have to show up for God virtually every day, not just when you need or want something.  You have to genuinely work on your relationship with God every single day through trying your best to live through him, with him, and in him in the unity of the holy spirit.  We aren't perfect even though God created us as such - we are all sinners and God expects that.  What's important to take away from that is working toward forgiveness when we sin.  Even if we aren't ready to ask for forgiveness, being honest with the Lord about it and where we currently are with our struggles, asking for guidance from him - he doesn't expect us to rush with change but what he does expect is for us to work on it consistently and make a conscious effort to do so and when we are ready to seek forgiveness, that we are sincere about it.

There's a lot that I'm still learning and will continue to learn and add to my beliefs as my life goes on. Like I mentioned previously, this topic is a loaded one and there are so many different beliefs on it - it's difficult to really accurately grasp everything about it.  One thing that I have learned to do is go based off what makes sense to me in my heart and if it feels natural, I go with it.  I don't think there is necessarily a right or wrong way to believe in and have a relationship with God - I believe it comes from whatever works best for you and each individual person's relationship with God is special and sacred.  One thing I was told by someone when I asked them, "How do you know when you have successfully achieved a relationship with God?"  Their response was, "Because your life will change for the better..."  We all know that God never turns his back on us...even if we fall off the track of belief or stray away from him, but if we truly accept God into our hearts, he will never steer us in the wrong direction.

I used to be guilty about judging others.  I've gotten better as time goes on and the more I mature throughout life.  God is the only one who can judge us, no matter what we believe.  No matter what a person does in their lifetime, whether you agree with it or not, whether you believe in it or not - it's never your place to judge another person.  We were all created as equal through God.  What someone else does or doesn't do, what they choose to believe or don't believe is none of our business as long as it doesn't affect us directly.  Only business it is, is between that person and God.  I believe that the only thing that truly matters is your individual happiness, how you treat other people and your personal relationship with God.  Money, material possessions and status have no value when it comes to making it into heaven.  It's not to say that you can't have those things because we are all guilty of lusting those life's pleasure's - just as long as you don't forget what is truly important when everything is said and done.

What really speaks volumes about a person is their ability to admit when they are wrong or when they have a problem.  People who are open-minded and teachable.  Ignorance does not look good on anyone.  You don't have the ability to change anyone's behaviors whether they be actions or words but your own.  Sure, you can give advice, but people have to actually be ready to accept and welcome change.  Most people can hear (unless your deaf), but it takes actual effort to listen.  There is a huge difference between hearing and listening.  Hearing is something we do without realizing and we take it for granted.  Listening happens when you hear, but actually take the time to process what you hear and decide what you're going to take from it.  Actions also speak louder than words - sometimes it's not always about what you can say, but what you can do that makes a real difference.  I also like to sit back and observe my environment and the type of people in it before I make a decision on who I involve myself with.  I'm a lot more careful these days with my person and what I allow and for very good reason at that!  I've spent way more time than I'd like to admit in the wrong places and with the wrong people.

One thing I do that most people think I'm absolutely crazy for is talking to people about highly debatable topics such as religion, sexuality and race.  I always get shocked responses from people when they hear that I do this.  Why?  Because we live in an ignorant society where it's taboo to do something like that.  I always get this look from people (if they don't verbally say it), "You're going to get yourself shot doing something like that".  Look, I believe there is a right and a wrong way to talk to people.  You ever hear the old saying, "Choose your words wisely".  When I talk to people about things like religion, sexuality and race, it's not to display ignorance but rather educate myself on things I know nothing about to actually avoid coming across ignorant!  You're only as ignorant as the things you refuse to educate yourself about.  Knowledge is power, baby!

Our mom meant a whole lot to me and the bond we had was special.  When she passed away and was no longer with us in person - she is still our mom and I still have a relationship with her regardless.  I still talk to her just as much as if she was here with me in person.  I still tell her when I'm happy, when I have new and exciting news, worries, sadness - even when I don't feel good.  We can't physically see God but we still have a very important relationship with him and believe in him.  The body is just a shell - it's our soul that continues to live on forever.  I believe that heaven is just the next stage of life - eternal life and those that pass on to it, just beat us there first is all.  By natural human instinct, we are inevitably sad and require a healing process - part of the process includes realizing that for whatever reason that God only knows, that it was their time to depart from their life on earth and advance to eternal life.  Perhaps it shouldn't be something that we are sad about, but more a celebration that they lived their ultimate purpose and earned a spot in heaven to eternal life where there is no pain and suffering.  It's difficult for us to process the physicality of a person leaving us because it's harder for us to lose something we had and grown accustomed to for some time than those things that we never had.  Because of this, I've realized that I don't have to be afraid of accepting God into my heart and it's not totally crazy to have a relationship that you can't physically see.  Just because I never met my great, great grandmother for example, doesn't mean she never existed - we don't have to be in our physical form to exist.  That's why you hear people say that loved ones who have passed never really leave us.

I know that last part really has nothing to specifically do with religion and my relationship with God but in a way it does - it's touching on some of the things I've come to realize that have helped me strengthen my relationship with God and his fellow children.  I've downloaded the King James version of the bible on my phone and have been listening to it through audio.  I've been working my way through the book of Genesis and continuing to talk to God.  I've been praying for all who are struggling whether it be mentally, physically or both; as well as praying for the ones who struggle with their relationship with God.  I've been asking God to guide me through the things that I need to personally work on in my life, not to do the work for me, but to guide me while I do the work.  There are quite a few things that I'm trying to work on to become a better person.

It's not clear and may never be fully clear to me why God chose to take my mother-in-law from this earth when he did and while I continue to struggle with the loss of her, it has taught me a lot of valuable lessons.  They say that God doesn't make mistakes, so I have to believe and trust in my heart that this was all for good reason.  God only takes the best and I know this to be true because she was in fact, one of the best.  Her passing made me realize how important it is to have a relationship with God and to work on becoming a better person.  Both of these things are not always easy, especially when life gets tough, but as long as we are trying our very best, God takes all of these aspects into account.  God is all knowing, especially when it comes to the things that each of his children struggles with.

Things that I'm currently working on:

✅Reducing my cussing

✅Working through my anxiety, anger, and depression

✅Being kinder to my fellow brothers and sisters (God's children), despite the behaviors of others

✅Being closer with my family and working on those relationships

✅Being more selfless

✅My individual relationship with God

Things that I would like to work on improving in the near future:

❗Both my mental and physical health

Things Have Been Crazy This Past Week

I received a call from my father last Saturday and he's been struggling with some things - he gave me some news that I wasn't particularly happy about, but I won't get into the details because it's not my business to share.  My father-in-law is also going through it as well but again, not my business to share.  I'm keeping a check on the both of them and all I ask is that you keep them both in your thoughts and prayers at this time, please.  I'm still continuing to have a tough time over losing my mother-in-law as well.  It's going to be a difficult healing journey that I haven't even begun yet.

I didn't feel good the whole beginning of this week.  My stomach was so screwed up!  I felt super nauseous like the first 3 days of the week.  I'm back trying to focus on my self-care.  I'm still keeping up with my skincare routine and I've started back eating better again.  I'm just cutting back on my portion sizes and carb intake, increasing protein.  Due to how bad my back is, I'm trying to lose weight naturally with better food choices and portion control before I start any real exercise - I don't want to stress my back out too much.  My last fifteen-minute break at work, I've been walking around the building when it's nice outside.  Today I purchased a Cirkul water bottle and eight different flavor cartridges to go with it - so far, I like it!  I needed a better way to get my daily water requirements in.  My job requires clear water, so this is perfect!

I've also been watching weight loss TikTok videos to get some inspiration - and recently I've tried what's called "Hearts of Palm".  They have 17 different amino acids; they are a good source of protein and also have many different beneficial minerals in them!  

We have a heavy duty, professional digital scale in our locker room at work like you see at the doctor's office.  I've been taken my weight every now and again to gage my progress and I've lost three pounds this week!  I'm trying my best to get back on track with my self-care - it hasn't been easy, but it's totally been worth it!

Between not feeling well last week and having my head elsewhere, I made a lot of silly mistakes on what I worked on this past week at work, but toward the end of the week, I got better.  I've also been working on my relationship with God and trying to be a better person all the way around.  I'm working on cutting back on my cussing and eventually I want to quit vaping.  I'm on a little journey and to say the least, I'm definitely not mad at it.  It may sound selfish, no, scratch that.  Why do we feel guilt when it comes to taking care of ourselves?  It's done me a lot of good to focus on myself for a change and I shouldn't feel that it's selfish to do so!

I've also had a couple good conversations about religion with a couple of good co-workers these past couple of weeks and it's helped me a lot.  I'm glad that I have found people to have these kinds of conversations with without having offense come into play.

Jay's shingles are healing up good now - thank God!  He's out cutting the grass right now and then we are going over his dad's house and having an early dinner with him.  His dad wants to get subs so that's what we are going to do!  Then I'm going to spend the rest of the weekend with Jay.  Right now it's hard because we are working completely opposite schedules from each other - when I'm getting off work, he's just going in.  By the time he gets off work, I'm well into sleep land.  Hopefully soon we will be on the same schedule!  Just balancing everything while working 50 hours a week has been very difficult, but I'm managing.  Oh, I've also cut back on my caffeine intake as well.  I limit myself to one medium iced coffee a week which I usually get on the weekend.

Overall, things have been going okay.  I'm just trying to take one day at a time...

How Losing my Mother-in-Law Changed My Life (Part 1: Life is Precious)

No, Jason and I are still not married but we might-as-well be as we have been together for going on 13 years this coming November, so I call his mom my mother-in-law or as of late, just mom.  He'll marry me someday. 😂  

Edit and disclaimer here:  I realized half-way through typing this post that I had a lot more thought process here than I originally intended so this post will be a lengthy one.

As I mentioned previously, we lost our mom April 6th of this year, and it is one of the most difficult things I have ever experienced in my entire life.  That's saying a lot because I have been through my fair share of difficult things in life.  I'm still going through a ton of grief and to be quite honest, I haven't even begun the healing process and she has been gone a little over two months already.  I'm not sure why she was taken from us this soon and I may never get that answer.  I'm still going through a lot of processing, sadness and anger over it.  I hate saying that it has done some "good" things for me, but it truly has.  It feels so wrong saying that because losing her was definitely not a good thing.  I miss her every single day and would give anything to have her back but unfortunately, I can't live my life like that and even she believed that there is life beyond death; both for the living and the dead.

Her passing, though it's been extremely difficult, has changed my life - not necessarily for good or bad.  It's just changed the way I perceive life completely.  Losing her has made me realize how precious life truly is.  I mean, we only get one, right?  And we all have decisions to make with that life we are so graciously given.  If anyone knows me, I haven't had the easiest life.  Don't get me wrong, I know that there are people out there that have had by far a worse life than me - I'm not denying that; I'm only speaking for myself here and what I've personally been through.  The purpose of this post is not to compare and contrast my life to those of others but to simply or rather, not so simply express my gratitude to the life lessons that I have learned throughout my life.  Due to the nature of the life experience's I have endured, I will refrain from going into great detail about them as I choose to put those aspects of my past in exactly what it is...the past.  But particularly, I want to take the time to share how losing my mother-in-law impacted my life.  It has taught me a lot of very valuable and important lessons in a distinctly short amount of time, really, above all the different unfortunate things I have experienced throughout my lifetime thus far.

Life is Precious: We hear this all the time but rarely ever give it any real thought and we don't really until we have been through something so significant (usually painful mentally or physically) to provoke it.  The term, "it really opened my eyes" is a term that only people who have really been through something life altering can relate to.  And just when you think you have it all figured out, there's that next thing in life waiting to knock you on your ass.  I have had experiences in life that only "opened my eyes" in the short-term and then I was right back to my old ways, forgetting or rather, dismissing what it taught me.  I learned absolutely nothing.  

Repeating history is ignorance at its finest.  It takes some of us longer than others.  "Those who do not learn from their mistakes are condemned to repeat them".  You have to be ready to listen and take advice, not just hear it.  And when you take advice, you take it at your own discretion - not all advice is best for everyone.  Advice is very situational from person to person.  I spent a lot of time (a good portion of my life) in a very dark place.  I've spent a lot of time pondering and questioning things like my individual purpose, life in general, my relationships with others and God, etc.  We learn best through trials and tribulations which when you think about it, is really unfortunate but true, nonetheless.  When I read that last statement, I think to myself, "That's sad that we have to suffer in order to do better".  But, if you never suffered, by natural human instinct, you take things for granted.

Think about it for a minute.  When life is considerably stable and things are going well, we tend to not feel the need to change anything about it by default.  It's only when things are going to hell in a hand basket that we begin to feel any actual need to have a thought process on change.  We all process things differently.  We all allow or disallow things to affect us differently.  Something that heavily affects me, might not affect you at all or as much and vice versa.  That's really life in a nutshell.  We also all have decisions to make that will dictate how the next second, minute or hour of our lives are impacted.  In all actuality, we underestimate the amount of power we really have in our lives.  Believe it or not, we are responsible for the destiny of our own lives based on the decisions that we make every single day.

I started out the same way that most people do - young and stupid.  We all think at a young age that we know everything and that we have it all figured out just to realize that we were sadly mistaken.  I've learned that age is not what makes you wise, but what you have experienced in life and what you have allowed yourself to take from it is the true key to wisdom.  Despite what you have taken from your life experiences however, I'm sorry to disappoint you, you're still not done learning - you're just simply wiser than you were before and an even smaller percentile more intelligent than the population as a whole but it's still an improvement from where you were before, no matter how small it is.  Truth is, you will continue to learn until the day you take your last breath.  If you learn nothing from the things you experience in life, you've made no progress and that's just foolish and a waste.  You'll know when you've made progress from what you've learned when you see positive results from the actions you've taken to make change in result of those experiences.  Being human, we tend to resort to what is familiar and change is a very difficult thing but where there is a will, there is a way.  It doesn't happen overnight and often times takes many failures to bring success.  That's all okay but what is not okay is giving up.  Life is an assignment, and we are the pen and paper writing it.

I'm 32 years old and just beginning to learn what life is all about.  Life is full of bouts of happiness, excitement, anxiety, depression, grief, loneliness, love, heartbreak, change, loss, gains...all of it.  Notice how I listed more negatives than positives there.  Happiness is a very difficult thing to obtain and these days, few people ever experience it in its purest form.  Hell, it's something that I'm still working on and losing our mom made it even more difficult and deterred me off that path of working on it.  Sure, there are times that everyone experiences now and again than make them happy but to maintain it is real work.  Generically, people think that happiness comes from others and material things and while those people or things may bring you happiness hypothetically, it's artificial.  True, authentic, genuine happiness comes from within.  To become whole and truly happy takes a lot of soul searching.  You have to find happiness and peace within yourself before any of those people or things can make you happy.  You don't have to feel happy all the time to actually be happy but if a good portion of your life is revolved around people or material things as a requirement to make you feel happy then you are not truly happy.  If your feelings of happiness dissipate after these people or things go away, then you have not achieved authentic happiness.

In saying all of this, a vast majority of people live their lives revolved around selfishness and greed without even realizing it.  We are a product of the environment in which we live unless we choose to break that cycle.  In order to do that, you have to learn the art of thinking for yourself.  We live in a generation where we are taught to feel guilt for having our own feelings, thoughts and beliefs.  This whole topic that I'm choosing to write about is a very loaded topic that I could keep going on about forever and ever and at some point, I could end up running around in circles writing about it.  People tend to run around in circles with a topic when they are bound and determined to convince people of their truth, heavy emphasis on the word "their".  I myself use to do that.  Why?  Because I felt guilt for how I felt, what I thought and what I believed which was influenced by our society.  You will never, no matter how hard you try, ever get everyone to agree with how you feel, think or believe.  The sooner you realize this, the more your sanity will be spared.  So why am I sharing all of this?  What is the point if I can't change the world?  Well, primarily, I'm sharing all of this as a bookmark of my thoughts for myself but if I even help change one person's life in the process, I'd be happy.  I wish I had read something like this sooner, not that it would necessarily change anything for me if I wasn't ready to accept it into my life, but it would be a good read anyway, right?

Where was I?  Oh right.  Selfishness and greed.  "I HAVE to have the latest technology...the latest phone, smart watch, T.V, computer, game console, car, etc", "How many hours can I work to get the most money possible?", "I'm not good enough unless I wear this, have that, look like this, have that job, obtain this social status, have x-amount of friend's".  Stop.  STOP ALL OF IT.  It's ALL nonsense.  I'm not saying you can't have those things, but you don't need those things to be good enough or happy for that matter.  Being good enough and being happy does not come directly from material, it's something that is intangible.  Material things are meant to be a secondary form of happiness, not your primary source.  When my mother-in-law passed away, I thought long and hard about life.  You would hear it from older folks about working your life away to save for retirement, blah blah blah.  Well, you should but don't kill yourself in the process to do so.  It's crazy to me that people actually choose to work like a dog (over 40 plus hours a week) all their life to enjoy MAYBE 5-10 years of their life comfortably, maybe some people get a little more but let's be honest, hardly no one lives to 100 anymore.  Despite not knowing when you will leave this earth, you still spend a good majority of your life working.  I'm not saying don't work.  I'm just saying, live your life in the process is all - don't forget to do that.  We get so lost in the idea of making money or obtaining some unrealistic idea of status that before we know it, our whole life flashes before our eyes.  When's the last time you thought about a celebrity that has passed away unless you seen a movie, music video, Facebook post or article about them?  Be honest.  You haven't.  We all end up in the same dirt when we die, and that dirt is no richer or poorer than the dirt the next person is buried in.

What is the point of all of this?  LIVE YOUR DOGGONE LIFE WHILE YOU'RE ALIVE - the younger you start, the better.  Be kind to others.  Think for yourself!  Stop and smell the roses, literally.  Unplug.  Go outside and watch the grass grow and soak up the sun.  Make time for yourself but also make time for others.  Go to work and make money to live but don't kill yourself doing so.  Don't compare yourself to other people.  Take chances and make changes.  Take your time - you're on no one else's schedule.  Do your best to become the best version of yourself a little each day.  You will continue to fail and make mistakes from time to time but be patient with yourself - that's all apart of learning and growing as a person.  Make time to reflect and process the things going on in your life whether good or bad and reassess and make changes as you feel necessary.

Let's back up and reflect on the idea that we all have decisions to make.  What decisions will YOU make for YOUR life?  Me?  I believe that I'm in my metamorphosis stage of life.  I went through the denial stage.  I'm slowly but surely moving through the acceptance stage and learning how to love myself to make the necessary changes in my life to find and define my authentic, genuine happiness.  I'm not going to lie, it's work, hard work - but I truly believe in my heart that it's all going to be worth it.  And on that note, I don't give a single shit what people think of me in the process and you shouldn't either!  

Losing my mother-in-law taught me all of this.  She is my guardian angel.

Weekend Wrap-up: First Week at my New Job and Birthday Shenanigans

I had a wonderful first week at my new job!  I was in class the first two days and then the rest of the week I had to do training on the computer.  I only worked four hours on Friday, so I got an early start to my birthday weekend.  I finished all my computer training on Friday, so I start training hands on tomorrow.  The team lead says it takes a while before trainees are allowed to be on the main assembly of the product as we have to be signed off on each part of the assembly process of the product before we are fully released to main assembly.  

I'm so impressed by the company and how well they take care of their employees - they pay for medical, dental and vision in full.  They give you a complementary $50,000 in life insurance.  To opt for an additional $200,000 in life insurance only costs me like, $2.18 a week out of my paycheck.  The insurance is better than my last jobs insurance - I get my medications much cheaper.  I get 120 hours of PTO on my 91st day working for the company as well as accrue 7.33 hours on the first of every month which starts right away.  Bottled water, coffee (like 6 different flavors) is free, and the lunches are free as well.  They have an on-site doctor that is completely free to see and they offer the on-site doctors services to spouses and children 2+ years old and up.  They are working on building an on-site daycare of employee's children that will be free as well.  

All of it is really incredible.  Yearly performance review raises and two bonuses a year as well.  My particular position offers a $1,000 sign-on bonus as well.  The chairs we sit in at work are ergonomic chairs, so they are quite expensive...like, $700 a chair expensive.  I am having to work Friday's for now as the company has a huge back order to fill but it won't be forever.  The OT money will help me play catch-up anyways and I'm still out by 4:30 p.m on Fridays and have the weekends off so I'm okay with it...besides, I'm sitting down for my job all day...😂

The meals are pretty good for the most part.

My birthday was Saturday - I'm 32 now!  Jay took me to the Melting Pot for lunch/dinner.  It was our first time eating there and it was such a wonderful experience - I truly enjoyed myself!

I made American Chop Suey with salad and garlic bread for our dinner for the week.  I bought a few pairs of pants at Burlington that are super cute and only spent like $38!  I got all my household stuff done early this morning and spent the afternoon working on a painting I've been working on.

I did this painting in memory of my mother-in-law.

Overall, I had a great first week of work and a wonderful birthday weekend.  Next weekend, Jay and I are going over dad's house for dinner.  Next weekend will be a difficult weekend as it's mom's birthday...she would have been 67...I miss her so much every day...

(What I made for dinner for the week)

Jay has an interview for a higher position at his work tomorrow!  I'm getting sleepy so I'm going to wrap this up and go lay down - 4 a.m. comes early!  Have a great week everyone!

Weekly Wind-up Friday - Signs from an Angel

I've been doing a lot of processing since Jay's mom passed away.  Her and I had a very special bond.  We went through a lot together.  Losing her just about took me out physically and mentally.  I literally felt like my heart was breaking, like, I had literal chest pains.  I've missed her greatly since she has passed but to be honest, we lost her a while ago, like, back when she first had the stroke in the end of October last year.  I just believe that God was just buying us some more time to say our good-byes.  She is one hell of a strong women because she had battled so many things before in her life, but this fight was just a little too big for her.  I've been going through a lot of heartbreak and anger over her loss.  There are still many things I wonder that I most likely will never get the answers to.  I miss her every day and will continue to miss her every day - the pain I feel over losing her will never go away.  The only thing that seems to help me cope is observing things that feel like signs that she is with me...at least that is what I believe...

The Monday before she passed away, Jay's dad called us and told us that the two weeks the hospice nurse thought she had turned into more like three days.  From that Tuesday on, Jason and I started taking time out of work to be with her.  For the first time in a while, I didn't care about our jobs.  I just knew that we needed to be there for our mom.  I sat by her bedside all three days until she passed away.  I remember the day before she passed, Jay's dad had one of her hands and I had the other.  The hospice nurse asked if she could squeeze our hands and she squeezed so tightly - I was actually surprised how tightly she squeezed considering how weak she was...then the next day, nothing.  I couldn't even get her to open her eyes.  I kept an eye on her oxygen level - it was around 53...

I sang for her; I reminded her of what a good mother she was and that it was okay to leave us - that we'd all be okay.  I knew this was not the kind of life that she would want to live, and I didn't want her to suffer - none of us wanted that for her.  Truth was, she was never going to get better.  She was lucky to have survived as long as she did.

I told Jason's dad before we left that Thursday to make sure he opened a window in the living room (that's where her hospital bed was) to let her spirit out - she always believed that and wanted us to do that for her when that day came.  When we left that day, there were a few cardinal birds around the house.  I just knew it wasn't going to be long.  About four hours later we got a call from Jay's dad saying she had passed.  Planning and attending her services was so incredibly hard.  I was sad when my grandfather passed but I was still too young to understand a lot of things.  Being older and especially everything his mom taught me and helped me through, it really broke me.

When we went up to Rhode Island for her services, we seen some cardinals.  When we returned back home, my rose bush in front of the house was in full bloom.  I've been opening the bedroom window - it's my way of letting her come visit with me and in saying that I've seen quite a few cardinals in the backyard over the past week.  The beginning of last week, I had some prescriptions to pick up at the pharmacy and went to go pick them up.  As I was driving there, a cardinal flew in front of my car and bounced off of it.  I was in total and complete shock.  I don't know if the damn thing is okay, but it definitely shocked me, a cardinal, nonetheless.

There was a day where I wasn't feeling well.  I had a killer migraine and got super emotional, missing her something extra because when I didn't feel well, I could call her and she would make me feel so much better.  I wrote a post about it on Facebook and then I shit you not, a cardinal flew right past the bedroom window.  I couldn't believe it.  Today, Jason was out cutting the grass and showed me this flower that was growing behind the retaining wall in front of our house.  Just one, single flower.  A DAISY - Jay's mom's favorite flower and in his favorite color too!

I've also been working on a second painting that is a reflection of where I picture Jay's mom is in heaven.  My perception of heaven is a little different than most.  I picture heaven to be full of beautiful colors, all the colors in their right magical contexts.  It's a place free of both mental and physical pain.  It's a utopia.

(I'm still working on it obviously)

I told her before she passed to make sure she gives us signs that she is with us and she is doing such a great job at doing that...

I'm so incredibly grateful...

I love and miss you angel mom.

It's Been Awhile Since I Could...

 ...hold my head up high.

And I'm still struggling with it.  I know I haven't been here in a while.  Life has been extremely difficult lately.  I'm not going to make this longer and more drawn out than it needs to be, so I'm just going to say it - Jay's mom passed way.  She passed away April 6th.  It's been a very difficult past few month's.  I've been taking this loss extremely hard.  I also made the decision to quit my job as a quality tech.  I actually quit Electrolux altogether as I just wasn't happy in the environment in which I was working, and it hasn't been good for my health or life/work balance.  I'm starting with a company called Arthrex on May 15th.  It's definitely a significant pay cut but I will hopefully be so much happier working at this company.  I'll get my forty hours in four days and overtime is on Friday's and it won't be a full day on Friday's either.  I won't have to work every Friday either, but I think the supervisor told me that right now Fridays are mandatory then once the OT starts thinning out, I'll be on rotational Friday's.  I'm excited for a better life/work balance. Besides, I'll get regular raises and bonuses.  I'm pretty much guaranteed weekends off.

Losing Jason's mom really opened my eyes to a lot of things.  One of those things being is that life is too short to not stop and enjoy the finer, more simpler things in life.  Money is not everything.  I've come to realize that it's important to take time to enjoy life - it's important for both your physical and mental wellbeing.  Since I've been seeing my therapist since December, she has helped me through quite a bit even though we haven't really scratched the surface of processing a lot of things that have happened in my life.  And also, since having quit my job last Friday, I've been enjoying some MUCH needed time to myself.  I've been opening the window in the bedroom and letting the natural light and breeze enter the room - the cats have been enjoying it too!  

Like I said, I've realized a lot since Jay's mom passed away.  Her and I were extremely close and had a very special bond.  Money is definitely not everything - I worked my ass off to become a quality tech which involved a fancy job title, fancy pay, fancy limited supervision and a fancy amount of responsibility.  One thing I prided myself in was always, ALWAYS being humble, no matter what I obtain in my life because one thing I have learned, have seen happen and have personally experienced myself is as fast as something was given to you, it can be taken away at any time.  That being said, while it was still a difficult decision, I had to do what was best for my health.  After many times of being out on medical leave and countless discussions with my doctor, it was either change my job or eventually become permanently disabled and not be able to work at all.

My first ever painting - I discovered a love for painting while I've been resting and relaxing between jobs.  I just love opening my bedroom window and sit in my bed painting, listening to some country music.

I've bought a new hydrating facial cleanser to try and clear up some of my skin issues on my face.  I bought it last weekend and it's working pretty well so far!  I painted a beach on a canvas, cooked, cleaned, taken naps, watched some episodes of Greys Anatomy, listened to music, gamed, snuggled with my cats, spent some quality time with Jay and ate myself out of house and home! 😂 So many people are worried about how much money they can make.  You can't take money and material things with you to the grave.  I'm not saying that we don't save because we definitely do, however, I'm not going to allow my life to be consumed by it.  Having seen it firsthand, unless you have ample money, if you ever become critically ill, they will take all your assets and even put a lean on your house before Medicaid will kick in and cover, so you might as well just live while you're alive.  

(Just some things I have made for food 😛)

I don't know about you, but it doesn't make sense to me to work yourself to death for 75-80% of your life to maybe (key word here being MAYBE) live comfortably for 10-15% of it because let's face it, people are just not living until 100 years old these days.  That seems crazy to me.  I don't need to have a whole lot in life.  I'm okay opening that window, letting the natural breeze and light come through my bedroom and watching the birds and squirrels do their thing.  I'm not a very peopley-person anyway.  I enjoy just loving Jason and our fur babies and going on our couple vacations a year.  I'm not hard to please - just don't forget to feed me every once in a while! 😅  

I haven't been able to see my therapist since I quit my job because I don't currently have insurance, but once I start with Arthrex, I should be insurance starting day one of employment.  I will give myself some time to get adjusted with my job then reschedule with my therapist.  I've had some pretty awful days, but they haven't been all bad.  I'm working through it and doing some soul searching.  This is my last weekend before I start Arthrex on Monday, so I'm just kicking back and spending time with Jay.  These next few weekends are going to be hard with Mother's Day coming up, my birthday and then seven days later, Jay's mom's birthday.  The whole first week at Arthrex I'll be in classes.  I'm so incredibly excited for this new journey!

Sunday Catchup: A Sunday Spent Chilling

The beginning of the week started out a little rough, especially on the day that I had therapy.  I've been worried about the future of where Jason's surviving parent would go once one of them passes if the other were not able to continue to live in their current home.  We are not able to take in anyone to care for them as my health has been getting worse over the years and I'm hanging onto the edge with trying to hold onto my job as it is.  Monday, I went to the doctor, and he is still wanting to keep my on a controlled anxiety medication due to still having significant issues with my anxiety and he wrote me out an application to get a permanent handicap placard.  I discussed with my therapist a lot on how I felt and while I will still quite overwhelmed, through talking to her, Jason and some people that I'm close with, I have determined that I can only take on what I have control over and should not let people's opinions bother me if I'm not able to do something.  

My therapist reminded me that I'm only one person with my own individual issues and I have to live my life according to my needs.  I'm not medically able to take care of anyone - heck, I don't even have my own children because I had to make that decision based off my mental and physical inability to be a parent.  Most days I can barely take care of myself, and it's been told to me by medical professionals that it's only going to get worse as I get older.  Yes, I'm still young but I didn't ask for these things to be wrong with me.  I deal with a lot of grief and guilt not being able to do what I should be able to do for my age.  I genuinely don't like disappointing people but unfortunately, that's life.  I spent so much of my life trying to do everything I could for people and putting them before me that it's partly the reason I'm dealing with what I am today.  It's not like I still won't do for people when I have the availability or means, but there will be times where I'll have to say no, and it won't be easy but it's necessary at times.

As the week went on, it got much better.  We had to work Saturday, and it was just such a slow day.  We had so much equipment failures and didn't run much.  We have to work next weekend too unless they decide to cancel it which I doubt but one can only hope.  Jay and I decided that we will start eating dinner at work to help us lose a little weight and if we get home from work and are a little hungry, we will eat a small salad.  I got one more bottle of vape liquid after the one I'm currently on and then I'm going to try to quit vaping.  One day at a time, I'm healing...

It's definitely not easy, but I'm getting there.  I've been slowly doing more around the house and realizing that I'm on nobody's timeline to get things done and not to compare myself to others.  Taking one day at a time, crossing bridges when I get to them, listening to my body, worrying less about what others think of me and just doing the best I can are all things that I'm trying to practice along with deep breathing as needed.

I bought Morning Star veggie burgers and chicken patties for our dinners.  Jason is getting green beans and rice and I'm doing brussel sprouts and roasted sweet potatoes.  I just know that I can't wait until our vacation in May.  We are going to have SUCH a well-deserved and relaxing vacation, just the two of us!  Also, my supervisor is allowing me to say in the audit room I've been working in and I'm SO incredibly grateful for that.  It's been hard to trust the process as I've spent my whole life being an overthinker and over worrier but I'm finding that I've unnecessarily have done both of these things for many years.

Jay and I got Subway for lunch/dinner tonight and we just spent the day trying to get rejuvenated for the week to come...
 

I'm going to finish making babe and I's dinner for work then lay down and relax for the rest of the night.  Might have me an alcoholic seltzer or two to relax.  I've had some other things on my mind that have been bothering me but that's neither here nor there right now.  They are things that will sort themselves out over time. 😌 I'm getting better at this...one day at a time...