Weekend Wrap-up: First Week at my New Job and Birthday Shenanigans

I had a wonderful first week at my new job!  I was in class the first two days and then the rest of the week I had to do training on the computer.  I only worked four hours on Friday, so I got an early start to my birthday weekend.  I finished all my computer training on Friday, so I start training hands on tomorrow.  The team lead says it takes a while before trainees are allowed to be on the main assembly of the product as we have to be signed off on each part of the assembly process of the product before we are fully released to main assembly.  

I'm so impressed by the company and how well they take care of their employees - they pay for medical, dental and vision in full.  They give you a complementary $50,000 in life insurance.  To opt for an additional $200,000 in life insurance only costs me like, $2.18 a week out of my paycheck.  The insurance is better than my last jobs insurance - I get my medications much cheaper.  I get 120 hours of PTO on my 91st day working for the company as well as accrue 7.33 hours on the first of every month which starts right away.  Bottled water, coffee (like 6 different flavors) is free, and the lunches are free as well.  They have an on-site doctor that is completely free to see and they offer the on-site doctors services to spouses and children 2+ years old and up.  They are working on building an on-site daycare of employee's children that will be free as well.  

All of it is really incredible.  Yearly performance review raises and two bonuses a year as well.  My particular position offers a $1,000 sign-on bonus as well.  The chairs we sit in at work are ergonomic chairs, so they are quite expensive...like, $700 a chair expensive.  I am having to work Friday's for now as the company has a huge back order to fill but it won't be forever.  The OT money will help me play catch-up anyways and I'm still out by 4:30 p.m on Fridays and have the weekends off so I'm okay with it...besides, I'm sitting down for my job all day...😂

The meals are pretty good for the most part.

My birthday was Saturday - I'm 32 now!  Jay took me to the Melting Pot for lunch/dinner.  It was our first time eating there and it was such a wonderful experience - I truly enjoyed myself!

I made American Chop Suey with salad and garlic bread for our dinner for the week.  I bought a few pairs of pants at Burlington that are super cute and only spent like $38!  I got all my household stuff done early this morning and spent the afternoon working on a painting I've been working on.

I did this painting in memory of my mother-in-law.

Overall, I had a great first week of work and a wonderful birthday weekend.  Next weekend, Jay and I are going over dad's house for dinner.  Next weekend will be a difficult weekend as it's mom's birthday...she would have been 67...I miss her so much every day...

(What I made for dinner for the week)

Jay has an interview for a higher position at his work tomorrow!  I'm getting sleepy so I'm going to wrap this up and go lay down - 4 a.m. comes early!  Have a great week everyone!

Weekly Wind-up Friday - Signs from an Angel

I've been doing a lot of processing since Jay's mom passed away.  Her and I had a very special bond.  We went through a lot together.  Losing her just about took me out physically and mentally.  I literally felt like my heart was breaking, like, I had literal chest pains.  I've missed her greatly since she has passed but to be honest, we lost her a while ago, like, back when she first had the stroke in the end of October last year.  I just believe that God was just buying us some more time to say our good-byes.  She is one hell of a strong women because she had battled so many things before in her life, but this fight was just a little too big for her.  I've been going through a lot of heartbreak and anger over her loss.  There are still many things I wonder that I most likely will never get the answers to.  I miss her every day and will continue to miss her every day - the pain I feel over losing her will never go away.  The only thing that seems to help me cope is observing things that feel like signs that she is with me...at least that is what I believe...

The Monday before she passed away, Jay's dad called us and told us that the two weeks the hospice nurse thought she had turned into more like three days.  From that Tuesday on, Jason and I started taking time out of work to be with her.  For the first time in a while, I didn't care about our jobs.  I just knew that we needed to be there for our mom.  I sat by her bedside all three days until she passed away.  I remember the day before she passed, Jay's dad had one of her hands and I had the other.  The hospice nurse asked if she could squeeze our hands and she squeezed so tightly - I was actually surprised how tightly she squeezed considering how weak she was...then the next day, nothing.  I couldn't even get her to open her eyes.  I kept an eye on her oxygen level - it was around 53...

I sang for her; I reminded her of what a good mother she was and that it was okay to leave us - that we'd all be okay.  I knew this was not the kind of life that she would want to live, and I didn't want her to suffer - none of us wanted that for her.  Truth was, she was never going to get better.  She was lucky to have survived as long as she did.

I told Jason's dad before we left that Thursday to make sure he opened a window in the living room (that's where her hospital bed was) to let her spirit out - she always believed that and wanted us to do that for her when that day came.  When we left that day, there were a few cardinal birds around the house.  I just knew it wasn't going to be long.  About four hours later we got a call from Jay's dad saying she had passed.  Planning and attending her services was so incredibly hard.  I was sad when my grandfather passed but I was still too young to understand a lot of things.  Being older and especially everything his mom taught me and helped me through, it really broke me.

When we went up to Rhode Island for her services, we seen some cardinals.  When we returned back home, my rose bush in front of the house was in full bloom.  I've been opening the bedroom window - it's my way of letting her come visit with me and in saying that I've seen quite a few cardinals in the backyard over the past week.  The beginning of last week, I had some prescriptions to pick up at the pharmacy and went to go pick them up.  As I was driving there, a cardinal flew in front of my car and bounced off of it.  I was in total and complete shock.  I don't know if the damn thing is okay, but it definitely shocked me, a cardinal, nonetheless.

There was a day where I wasn't feeling well.  I had a killer migraine and got super emotional, missing her something extra because when I didn't feel well, I could call her and she would make me feel so much better.  I wrote a post about it on Facebook and then I shit you not, a cardinal flew right past the bedroom window.  I couldn't believe it.  Today, Jason was out cutting the grass and showed me this flower that was growing behind the retaining wall in front of our house.  Just one, single flower.  A DAISY - Jay's mom's favorite flower and in his favorite color too!

I've also been working on a second painting that is a reflection of where I picture Jay's mom is in heaven.  My perception of heaven is a little different than most.  I picture heaven to be full of beautiful colors, all the colors in their right magical contexts.  It's a place free of both mental and physical pain.  It's a utopia.

(I'm still working on it obviously)

I told her before she passed to make sure she gives us signs that she is with us and she is doing such a great job at doing that...

I'm so incredibly grateful...

I love and miss you angel mom.

It's Been Awhile Since I Could...

 ...hold my head up high.

And I'm still struggling with it.  I know I haven't been here in a while.  Life has been extremely difficult lately.  I'm not going to make this longer and more drawn out than it needs to be, so I'm just going to say it - Jay's mom passed way.  She passed away April 6th.  It's been a very difficult past few month's.  I've been taking this loss extremely hard.  I also made the decision to quit my job as a quality tech.  I actually quit Electrolux altogether as I just wasn't happy in the environment in which I was working, and it hasn't been good for my health or life/work balance.  I'm starting with a company called Arthrex on May 15th.  It's definitely a significant pay cut but I will hopefully be so much happier working at this company.  I'll get my forty hours in four days and overtime is on Friday's and it won't be a full day on Friday's either.  I won't have to work every Friday either, but I think the supervisor told me that right now Fridays are mandatory then once the OT starts thinning out, I'll be on rotational Friday's.  I'm excited for a better life/work balance. Besides, I'll get regular raises and bonuses.  I'm pretty much guaranteed weekends off.

Losing Jason's mom really opened my eyes to a lot of things.  One of those things being is that life is too short to not stop and enjoy the finer, more simpler things in life.  Money is not everything.  I've come to realize that it's important to take time to enjoy life - it's important for both your physical and mental wellbeing.  Since I've been seeing my therapist since December, she has helped me through quite a bit even though we haven't really scratched the surface of processing a lot of things that have happened in my life.  And also, since having quit my job last Friday, I've been enjoying some MUCH needed time to myself.  I've been opening the window in the bedroom and letting the natural light and breeze enter the room - the cats have been enjoying it too!  

Like I said, I've realized a lot since Jay's mom passed away.  Her and I were extremely close and had a very special bond.  Money is definitely not everything - I worked my ass off to become a quality tech which involved a fancy job title, fancy pay, fancy limited supervision and a fancy amount of responsibility.  One thing I prided myself in was always, ALWAYS being humble, no matter what I obtain in my life because one thing I have learned, have seen happen and have personally experienced myself is as fast as something was given to you, it can be taken away at any time.  That being said, while it was still a difficult decision, I had to do what was best for my health.  After many times of being out on medical leave and countless discussions with my doctor, it was either change my job or eventually become permanently disabled and not be able to work at all.

My first ever painting - I discovered a love for painting while I've been resting and relaxing between jobs.  I just love opening my bedroom window and sit in my bed painting, listening to some country music.

I've bought a new hydrating facial cleanser to try and clear up some of my skin issues on my face.  I bought it last weekend and it's working pretty well so far!  I painted a beach on a canvas, cooked, cleaned, taken naps, watched some episodes of Greys Anatomy, listened to music, gamed, snuggled with my cats, spent some quality time with Jay and ate myself out of house and home! 😂 So many people are worried about how much money they can make.  You can't take money and material things with you to the grave.  I'm not saying that we don't save because we definitely do, however, I'm not going to allow my life to be consumed by it.  Having seen it firsthand, unless you have ample money, if you ever become critically ill, they will take all your assets and even put a lean on your house before Medicaid will kick in and cover, so you might as well just live while you're alive.  

(Just some things I have made for food 😛)

I don't know about you, but it doesn't make sense to me to work yourself to death for 75-80% of your life to maybe (key word here being MAYBE) live comfortably for 10-15% of it because let's face it, people are just not living until 100 years old these days.  That seems crazy to me.  I don't need to have a whole lot in life.  I'm okay opening that window, letting the natural breeze and light come through my bedroom and watching the birds and squirrels do their thing.  I'm not a very peopley-person anyway.  I enjoy just loving Jason and our fur babies and going on our couple vacations a year.  I'm not hard to please - just don't forget to feed me every once in a while! 😅  

I haven't been able to see my therapist since I quit my job because I don't currently have insurance, but once I start with Arthrex, I should be insurance starting day one of employment.  I will give myself some time to get adjusted with my job then reschedule with my therapist.  I've had some pretty awful days, but they haven't been all bad.  I'm working through it and doing some soul searching.  This is my last weekend before I start Arthrex on Monday, so I'm just kicking back and spending time with Jay.  These next few weekends are going to be hard with Mother's Day coming up, my birthday and then seven days later, Jay's mom's birthday.  The whole first week at Arthrex I'll be in classes.  I'm so incredibly excited for this new journey!

Sunday Catchup: A Sunday Spent Chilling

The beginning of the week started out a little rough, especially on the day that I had therapy.  I've been worried about the future of where Jason's surviving parent would go once one of them passes if the other were not able to continue to live in their current home.  We are not able to take in anyone to care for them as my health has been getting worse over the years and I'm hanging onto the edge with trying to hold onto my job as it is.  Monday, I went to the doctor, and he is still wanting to keep my on a controlled anxiety medication due to still having significant issues with my anxiety and he wrote me out an application to get a permanent handicap placard.  I discussed with my therapist a lot on how I felt and while I will still quite overwhelmed, through talking to her, Jason and some people that I'm close with, I have determined that I can only take on what I have control over and should not let people's opinions bother me if I'm not able to do something.  

My therapist reminded me that I'm only one person with my own individual issues and I have to live my life according to my needs.  I'm not medically able to take care of anyone - heck, I don't even have my own children because I had to make that decision based off my mental and physical inability to be a parent.  Most days I can barely take care of myself, and it's been told to me by medical professionals that it's only going to get worse as I get older.  Yes, I'm still young but I didn't ask for these things to be wrong with me.  I deal with a lot of grief and guilt not being able to do what I should be able to do for my age.  I genuinely don't like disappointing people but unfortunately, that's life.  I spent so much of my life trying to do everything I could for people and putting them before me that it's partly the reason I'm dealing with what I am today.  It's not like I still won't do for people when I have the availability or means, but there will be times where I'll have to say no, and it won't be easy but it's necessary at times.

As the week went on, it got much better.  We had to work Saturday, and it was just such a slow day.  We had so much equipment failures and didn't run much.  We have to work next weekend too unless they decide to cancel it which I doubt but one can only hope.  Jay and I decided that we will start eating dinner at work to help us lose a little weight and if we get home from work and are a little hungry, we will eat a small salad.  I got one more bottle of vape liquid after the one I'm currently on and then I'm going to try to quit vaping.  One day at a time, I'm healing...

It's definitely not easy, but I'm getting there.  I've been slowly doing more around the house and realizing that I'm on nobody's timeline to get things done and not to compare myself to others.  Taking one day at a time, crossing bridges when I get to them, listening to my body, worrying less about what others think of me and just doing the best I can are all things that I'm trying to practice along with deep breathing as needed.

I bought Morning Star veggie burgers and chicken patties for our dinners.  Jason is getting green beans and rice and I'm doing brussel sprouts and roasted sweet potatoes.  I just know that I can't wait until our vacation in May.  We are going to have SUCH a well-deserved and relaxing vacation, just the two of us!  Also, my supervisor is allowing me to say in the audit room I've been working in and I'm SO incredibly grateful for that.  It's been hard to trust the process as I've spent my whole life being an overthinker and over worrier but I'm finding that I've unnecessarily have done both of these things for many years.

Jay and I got Subway for lunch/dinner tonight and we just spent the day trying to get rejuvenated for the week to come...
 

I'm going to finish making babe and I's dinner for work then lay down and relax for the rest of the night.  Might have me an alcoholic seltzer or two to relax.  I've had some other things on my mind that have been bothering me but that's neither here nor there right now.  They are things that will sort themselves out over time. 😌 I'm getting better at this...one day at a time...

Thursdayish Thursday: Deep Breaths and Taking One Day at a Time

It's been an exhausting week so far.  Yesterday we found out that we will have to work Saturday and probably so for the next couple of weekends.  I had to wake up early just about every day this week to do something before work and I'm just completely exhausted.  Then I found out last night that Jason's schedule will be 2-10:30 and mine will be 4-12:30 which has us 2 hours apart in work schedule now.  While it doesn't seem like much of a difference, it certainly will be, especially when we have to work over our normal scheduled time to full-fill production quota.  Our availability is going to be tough in terms of having time for others and it's something that is making me feel extremely guilty.  I'm having to plan therapy and other doctors' appointments around these kinds of schedules, making sure I'm getting adequate sleep and being able to take care of my medical issues both outside and inside of work.  I can't just get up and go all the time like a normal, healthy person - more often than not, I have to work around how I'm feeling because I don't want to make my medical situations worse and not be able to work altogether.  

I'm trying to figure out how to balance it all and the truth is, I'm only one person.  I can only do what I'm able to do and unfortunately, people are inevitably going to feel let down by me.  I don't know how to NOT let that make me feel like a shitty person.  It bothers me immensely when people say things like, "Well, that's not how I was raised...we did what we had to do to be there for family..." or people just making us feel bad in general because we can't offer them the same that they might be able to offer us.  If I hate anything, it's when people make me feel bad for what I'm not able to do.  I used to be a "yessir" so much so that it caused me to neglect my physical and mental health to the point that it landed me in a downward spiral.

Like, Jason and I were supposed to go over dad's house this weekend and clean out some of Jason's things that they had been storing for him since they relocated down here so that they would have more room in their garage in case they can make a ramp work for mom when she comes home.  I was going to wake up and go grocery shopping then we were going to go over his house and start going through things and maybe spend half the day there.  Then we found out that we have to work Saturday now which Jason leaves for work around 11:30 a.m to be there for 2pm with how the parking lot is.  I get off at 11pm and don't get home until 11:30pm which doesn't give me much time before I have to go to bed - supposing I got 8 hours of sleep (which I have to be extremely alert for my job), figuring I lay down by 2 a.m, lands me waking up at 10 a.m - I'd have to get my grocery shopping done before I went into work and that leaves us no time before we have to be into work.  We need Sunday to clean, do laundry and rest before we do it all again for another 6 days.

I'm going to be starting a new therapy technique with my therapist the week after next that is going to take a lot of dedication and emotions out of me on top of having to go to work through it all.  It's absolutely necessary for me to do this technique because it aids me in reprocessing my trauma so that I can move on from it if I have any repressed thoughts, feelings or grudges about it.  I can barely help myself, let alone have children and now I have to feel guilty that I can't help others every single time they need it.  It's not like I can't help others at all - I just can only do it when I'm able to...

The positives of this week:

Overtime (though it's going to probably kill me) = more $$

I got my vacation form approved for May!

P.S: I was so incredibly tired and irritable yesterday that I cried on my way to work.  I'm trying to learn how to counter these episodes but damn...is it hard...

Sunday Funday: Got Things Done and Relaxed

On Friday, we finally tried to light the pilot light on the hot water tank after having a cracked pipe repaired a few days prior.  Thank God - after a few tries, we finally got it lit and had hot water when we got home after almost two weeks of no hot water.  It was crazy trying to get an appointment with a tech because they were so backed up due to the freak freeze that we had.  It felt good to finally take a proper hot shower.  I called dad before I went into work on Friday, and he said mom is doing fantastically better - I was SO happy to hear that!  FINALLY, some GOOD news after two months of hell.  I worked 2-10 Friday due to one of our auditors being out, so I filled in for her.  It was nice getting off the same time as Jay on Friday.  I'll more than likely work 2-10 tomorrow too because she will still be out.

Saturday, we went to the grocery store and picked up a few things, came home and got some chores done.  Today I finished going through my dresser, put some clothes up and cleaned out my laundry hamper that I have on wheels.  I had a decent rest of the week at work - it went smoothly anyways.  There's not really much to talk about in this post as it's been a quiet remainder of the week.  I have therapy on Tuesday then we have mom's care plan meeting with the rehab facility Wednesday.  Hoping on another good week.  I'm slowly going to start work on eating healthier and eventually quit vaping as well.  I was skeptical but therapy is actually going well and for the first time in a while, I can honestly say that I can feel that I'm less stressed.  I'm not where I want to be, but it's become a lot better.

I'm going to start slowly working on going through our spare bedrooms - they need to be gone through.  We kind of just use them as storage so I need to see what can be tossed, donated, etc...

Trying to minimize a lot in my life this year so I can live more comfortably and deal with less stress.

[ Can totally relate]

Oh yeah, I started my vitamins back up this week too.  I'm remembering to refill my pill reminder box when I should.  I'm learning to slow down and take things day by day.  I'm learning that a lot of my constant state of anxiety is unnecessary and is causing me extreme harm.  Through practicing breaking down my thought processes, it's helping me realize that I over worry way too much, and I can let a lot more go than I thought I could.  I still have a long way to go, and all of this is definitely easier said than done, but one day at a time will get me there.

I also took off my old nail polish from last week and put some new polish on. 👍

Going to make this week a good one!  If you change your perspective to a more positive one, I promise that your life will really change for the better. 💚

Thursday Thoughts: One Day at a Time

I know it's been a few weeks since I've last posted.  My therapist has me doing some homework which includes keeping a physical journal, so I have to get use to managing both my therapy journal and my personal blog.  I've also been taking care of some of the things that I've been wanting to get done around the house.  We went back to work Tuesday so that took some getting used to - especially with me having been off work for about two months.  The first day back was absolute hell.  Nothing ran like it was supposed to which as can be expected after a two-week shutdown.  After the first day back, I was already done for the whole year.  Yesterday went much smoother - busy but smoother.

Mom's back at the rehab center after having to go back to the hospital for having a blood clot in her lung.  She is doing much better now and will continue to work with physical therapy to reach her goals.  We have a care plan meeting for her this coming Wednesday to review what her goals are to be able to come back home.  We were supposed to have her care plan meeting a while ago, but the facility had caught Covid, then she went back to the hospital, and then they had a pipe burst at the facility and couldn't send her back to rehab right away.  It was just one thing after another.

We finally got a plumber to come out and fix the pipe to our hot water tank that cracked but the pilot light still won't light due to the wick getting wet so we have to wait for that to dry some before attempting to relight the pilot and if that doesn't work, we may need to have them replace the pilot light assembly...so here's to hoping it will relight once it's dried some.  It just cost us a pretty penny to have the pipe fixed...

Other than that, I've just been working with my therapist to identify my anxiety triggers since that seems to be the worst part of my PTSD.  Once I'm able to identify my triggers, she wants me to work on being able to change the negative thoughts I'm having surrounding those triggers.

I seen a couple of memes on Facebook that I really could appreciate:

Works been stressing me out with all the shit I've been hearing about these "changes" that they are supposed to be making and money has been tight toward the end of me coming off medical leave, especially having to dish out money for unexpected plumbing issues...

But I'm learning to take one day at time and to cross bridges when I arrive to them.  I'm starting to understand that a lot of my anxiety can be avoided due to realizing that when you're worried about something that hasn't even been verified 100%, you can flip a whole bunch of scenarios inside out and every which way when in reality, you don't even know what is going to happen until it happens and then you caused yourself nothing but a bunch of unnecessary anxiety because what is going to happen is going to happen - you can only control what you have control over and you just do your best to adjust accordingly to the events that happen at that time.  Otherwise, you'll drive yourself absolute batshit crazy.  I know that's easier said than done...TRUST ME, I know.  But it's highly beneficial to your well-being to practice taking one day at time and taking a few minutes to yourself to just breath and refocus your mind when things become too overwhelming.

Oh, I also got some new tattoos a couple weeks ago!

I'm going to try my best to keep up with my blog, but my therapy journal is priority over my blog as it's aiding me in sorting through my mental health struggles.  Blogging helps my mental health too, but my therapy journal is being monitored by an actual professional, so that's why it takes priority over the blog.